Buddy9832ís Journal

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notalone

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Re: Buddy9832ís Journal
« Reply #195 on: December 06, 2020, 05:06:39 AM »
Buddy, I would have found those comments about suicide extremely disturbing also. You've talked about your trouble getting close to your in-laws. All people have events and people in their lives that affect their trust of others. I would also say that there are different levels of trust and some people are more trustworthy than others. For example, I have a few people in my inner circle of trust, some at the next level, others who I trust their goodness but not their ability to handle my pain well. Maybe your in laws are safe to trust at a certain level and in certain areas, but not so much in other areas. I hope this is helpful and not confusing.

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buddy9832

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« Reply #196 on: December 08, 2020, 02:25:05 AM »
Hi notalone, thank you for your response. I'm glad to see (that's not the right phrase) that you found this quite disturbing as well. Of course I second guess myself whether, I should be affected by this as much. Thank you for your commentary on trust. I've honestly never looked at it that way and I suppose that would be a good means in helping me move on. You're absolutely right, I don't think I will be able to let them to the "next level" of trust but I can trust their goodness. Overall, I would say their intentions are well. I think it would be quite difficult for me to distinguish the two but at this point honestly that probably the most viable way of looking at things and finding a realistic path forward.

I suppose this would also apply to my parents as well. I'd say their intentions were well meaning but obviously the emotional neglect lead to where I am today. It's not the only thing, but it is definitely a large contributor. I know I'm longing to have a normal relationship with them, but rational me knows that will never be possible. It's not clear to me how I could mend these bridges and heal my wounds. But I suppose the way you look at trust would be a good starting point.

On other notes, I finally got Pete Walker's book. I'm interested to see where it leads. I can already seem similarities. Hopefully, it will help.

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buddy9832

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« Reply #197 on: December 15, 2020, 03:12:45 AM »
I took time off last week, not because I was doing anything in particular but it was use it or lose it before the end of the year. Having time off was nice but there were certainly times where it felt wasted. My goal while I was off was to continue finishing my basement my FIL and I had started two years ago. I have a bit of electrical to do. Wiring can lights, putting in switches, plugs, networking, etc. I find working with my hands is one of the few ways I can relax and de-stress.  I wouldn't say I'm good at it, it just seems like one of the few times other than playing drums where my mind feels free. It's also quite enjoyable to put a ton of effort into something attainable and see the fruits of your labor.

The week didn't go as I expected (likely due to unrealistic expectations on my part) and I think that caused a bit of disappointment. It will sound terrible, but I was really looking to be able to spend more time in the basement by myself. Realistically, I was only able to spend a couple hours a day if any in there. Over the course of the week I actually got a bit done but it doesn't feel like it. The weekend leading into vacation R was working and therefore I was on kid duty. It was pretty tough as T fought me every step of the way. We've been starting to have bed time wars. Her bedtime is typically 7-8ish and she's bee fighting me well into 10 - 11. Really what that translates to is I get no time to myself. I'm with the kids all day and then I go to bed. Monday, even though I was off, I had to work. My work schedule really hasn't changed. I'm still working close to 11-14 hour days and honestly should be working more to ensure my projects run smoothly. I had to make sure remaining tasks were in place before I could disconnect. I also had to hold a meeting with one of my jerk clients (I typically use other words) while I was off. It's been extremely frustrating. It feels like they have been doing everything they can to make their project difficult and worst off they are doing things to take advantage of the situation through trying to take advantage of the scientists. I'm finding my tolerance for this is null. This client expects the scientist to move mountains when they are already flat out, working late hours, ignoring their families, missing holidays and vacations. That stings deep for me and I'm not willing to let that go without a fight.

We also had couple's therapy which as of late has been a bit difficult. The focus has been on me and more so my relationship with R's family. I've explained it before but I'm finding myself hesitant to get close to her family. Coincidentally, since this pandemic has started I'm finding my relationship with them is getting more and more difficult. I think part of it is because I don't want to feel pain again "when I'm inevitably abandoned". I find family events triggering, I dissociate and apparently it's very visible something is askew. Plus, I rationally understand that no family is perfect but when I witness their flaws it cuts deep. It's like I lost my original family for this dysfunction. It's incredibly painful. I spoke specifically about my FIL and as of late how he's been making me upset. I brought up his thoughtlessness on suicide and the incident that happened in January. I mentioned how during the start of the pandemic my wife was having a panic attack on the floor of the bathroom. She called him and he basically dismissed her. The cause of the panic attack was that her parents were not taking the pandemic seriously. I spoke about how on occasions he has told R and I to "f* off". I suppose as he is now the father figure in my life, I hold him to a higher standard and when that standard is not met it's like taking 10 steps back for each step forward. 

What has been most difficult is explaining my position to R. Specifically, as it relates to family events. She has admitted she wants to understand and that she finds it difficult to be empathetic. Each time I try, I fall short. How do I explain to R the pain I feel each time I'm at a family event? How do I explain to her whenever, I find reminders of my childhood or dysfunction within her family it is excruciating? How do I explain to her that I'm on edge and why I'm on edge? How do I explain to her that it's incredibly painful negotiating the holidays with her family as they are not flexible? If we miss one Christmas event they are deeply upset.

Switching gears, I'm back to work this week and wish I never took time off. I came back to over 900 emails that I need to read (200 related to my COVID client alone) and I have fires to put out. It is going to take me forever to catch back up and each day that passes is a client that is upset at me for my slow response. It's been a challenge to check my perfectionist self. I suppose it has gotten easier but the trade off is to my self esteem and worthiness. Without perfection obviously there are failures and failures lead to pain.


//============================TW=============================
We also found out Friday that R's unit has become the secondary COVID unit in this geographic region. She's is terrified of the trauma she will suffer. Her fellow nurses have spoken about how terrible the first wave was (she was on maternity leave during the first wave). How people die without saying goodbye to their families. How there is very little, even now, that they can do. How they've been in situations where the only thing they can do is watch their patient die. She knows this is going to mess her up. I am scared because I don't want her to feel even an iota of the pain/symptoms that I feel. Plus the more I learn about cPTSD (and likely will be her case PTSD) the more I understand what a difficult road recovery is. I don't know if it is selfish, but I can deal with me having to deal with cPTSD. I don't want her to go through that or PTSD. She has a T and I have encouraged her to schedule weekly appointments with her while she's doing this work. I've also suggested that she gets a psychiatrist to get in front of this.

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buddy9832

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« Reply #198 on: December 18, 2020, 03:49:06 AM »
I am an absolute ball of stress and anxiety right now. This week has absolutely sucked. I return from vacation to close to 1000 emails to go through. In addition to that during the day Iím in nonstop meetings so I donít have time to look at my emails. R worked a few nights this week which implies Iím on kid duty making work even harder.

The sheer volume of emails that Iíve been getting makes it difficult to even detect when new emails come in never mind assess their urgency to my projects. Things came ahead today and Iím not sure if Iím entering/been in an EF or this should be a natural response. The holidays are coming and as a result we need to ensure revenue is recognized for my projects. Typically this wouldnít be an issue but as one of my project has been a COVID project, work has been moving at light speed with the business side of things being very slow to catch up.

My boss was off Monday and Tuesday this week during which time I worked with one of my peers in ensuring billing was arranged. Come Wednesday, I enter a meeting with my boss and canít help but feel I was being chastised. I snapped at my boss which is definitely not me. Fortunately she took it well.

Every morning this week, Iíve woken up and seen multiple emails, messages, etc all requesting feedback from me ASAP for something ďcriticalĒ. It has been making me so angry and feel so worthless. I canít keep up with my projects to be proactive and everyone wants a piece of me. I feel not valued and that the ridiculous  amount of time and effort that Iím putting into my projects is unrecognized.

Today things came to a head. Multiple clients needed my feedback on things and ultimately one of the client requests in particular came to the attention of my bossí boss. She sent me a nasty gram about how my communication is unacceptable and I need to make things right. I canít say sheís wrong, my communication was severely delayed but I attribute it to the sheer volume of emails. I had no idea I ever received a response from my client. I felt no I feel so little and worthless. I feel defeated. I feel furious. I am literally neglecting my kids, been so irritable and invested in these projects that the negatives are being felt by my family. I feel like Iím messing up my daughter, playing into the same emotional neglect that my father played into me. Iíve been advocating myself for going on three  months that Iím overworked and balls are going to drop and clients will be upset. But when the balls drop it feels like there is no recognition of these warning signs. Nothing has been done to help my situation. I feel so defeated.

To add to it, I was working tonight and my daughter came into my office to give me a LEGO creation she made. She startled the living daylights out of me and I gave her a very irritable face and Iím not sure if there were expletives in there as well. I apologized and explained to her that she scared me. She responds about how she made a LEGO thing for me. I feel like such a horrible father. To add icing on the cake, I bring her to her room and sheís apologizing to me and defending herself that it wasnít her fault and that she wasnít trying to scare me on purpose. Thatís like a knife twisting in my gut. Sheís three, I know she doesnít know better but I can see the signs all there. It pains me.

I am just so tired and there is no end in site. Iím screwing up my daughter and I feel like thereís nothing I can do about it. I feel worthless, no I feel unworthy. I am defeated.

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Hope67

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Re: Buddy9832ís Journal
« Reply #199 on: December 21, 2020, 07:29:56 PM »
Hi Buddy,

You've got a lot on your plate at the moment, and I hope very much that you can get some rest, and that you feel a bit less tired.   To me, you sound so caring about your daughter - I wanted to say that, because it's what I thought when I read about what you said - you tried to explain to her what happened, and why you'd reacted with surprise.   You cared about her, and you care about her.  I think that makes you a caring Dad in my opinion.

I hope you don't mind my saying that. 

Sending you a hug, if that's ok  :hug:

Hope  :)

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buddy9832

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« Reply #200 on: January 08, 2021, 02:50:02 AM »
Hi hope thank you for the response. I appreciate it, really it means a lot!

//======================TW=====================================
So I have no idea where this post is going to go, but I feel the need to process what happened yesterday in DC. I'm not here to discuss politics, to advocate for any side or advocate violence I just need space to process the happenings on.

I don't know what to say. I'm ashamed, I'm embarrassed. I wish I wasn't American. For a long time, especially since the Navy, I have had a hard time associating myself with this country. I imagined at one point in time, having a house with a large front yard and a big ol' flag pole with an American flag. That type of idea has been long gone. I don't want to associate with America any more. I don't want to be a part of it. When I was on deployments, it's so readily obvious where priorities lie. It's all a game for politicians. Let's piss off Iran and spy on their boarders and wonder why they send small craft to investigate us. If they were doing the same and some countries do we would be upset and send out our own ships. Let's blow the crap out of Libya without considering the consequences. When the consequences arrive such as the refugee crisis let's pretend it's not our problem. Let's continue to have a presence in Libya because ISIS now exerts influence due to us creating a power vacuum. Let us support these oil wealthy middle eastern countries because we will get oil out of it. We can turn a blind eye to there other disgusting policies on things such as homosexuality and women. Let's start two wars one in Iraq that has no ties/minimal ties to the war on terror. Let there be insufficient planning not have a back up plan and an exit strategy. Let's fail to realize that our lack of commitment will yet again cause power vacuums and organizations like ISIS to emerge to now get us bogged down in yet another war in Syria.

The lives that were lost all for a game.

How did we get here? This nation is so incredibly ill. To allow for the emergence of race riots and on the flip slide let's call it what it is an attempted coup d'etat. To allow for what has been happening clearly indicates there is something significantly wrong with America. Is the country in its death throws? What happens next? In trying to look at the past 4+ years objectively, whether I am looking at the BLM movement or the right wing movements to me is a symptom of a major illness. To me there's got to be an underlying illusive problem. I think I'm starting to get a firm understanding with the BLM movement, police shootings,etc. what got us here from the left side. But what about the right? There is so much anger and vitriol. People don't plan an insurrection unless there is something seriously wrong. The question remains how did we get here? You see, Trump is just yet another symptom of the problem. Yes, he incited the riots, yes he has been stoking his side for years. But ultimately, the people chose him implying something was wrong way before hand. How and why did we get here?

Where was the security? I am not advocating for violence by any means. What I do know from my time in the Navy is that those police officers would have been absolutely justified in using deadly force. Whether it was for self defense, the protections of others, or the protecting a major government building. Those all met the requirement for the use of deadly force. Where was it and why wasn't it used? Why was any force used? After all this was not a protest but a planned insurrection. They found pipe bombs and molitov cocktails. This was premeditated. Where have we gone wrong?

Again I'm embarrassed. You realize the places that have caused my nightmares part of the reason why I am here have more peaceful transitions of power than this.

I was hoping this would help me process things but I still got nothing. How did we get here?

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dollyvee

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« Reply #201 on: January 08, 2021, 11:02:43 AM »
Hi Buddy - I read your post about all the work emails and feeling like you can't keep up and I can relate. I know when things come up like that and I get so stressed and frantic, I've most likely gone into people pleasing mode and I have lost myself. It becomes a game of catch up and I have to do all these things, but underneath I'm just repeating an old pattern. I'm trying to get better at setting boundaries and finding myself in the busyness. To me, good management knows that sometimes people need time to do the work as long as you come through in the end and manage peoples' expectations along the way about what is happening. Tho, I've had many bosses who didn't and this is how I learned who to give my time to.

Hope you find a bit of space  :grouphug:




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buddy9832

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« Reply #202 on: January 11, 2021, 02:34:59 AM »
Thanks dollyvee, I appreciate it. You are absolutely right. Itís people pleasing and perfectionism at is best. It rears itís ugly head and itís hard to escape from. I know itís a symptom of my cPTSD more than anything. It always has and it has come close to costing my relationship with my wife in the past. As of this year Iíve definitely been better at setting boundaries. I try not to work on the weekends unless itís absolutely necessary and I stop work at 10pm no matter what. But it does mean the problems go away. They are still there I am still hopelessly behind. And Iíve. Even advocating for myself to my boss yet very little happens.

As for today I donít really know what happened. Itís been a really tough day. I guess itís an EF? Iím not sure. But I e definitely felt irritable, angry, helpless, and worthless. The day started off fine. I had a nice breakfast with the family and was able to spend some time finishing the basement. I really enjoy working with my hands. I canít say Iím skilled but I do find it therapeutic at a minimum. My parents have been unusually forthcoming and they coordinated a video call to chat with the kids and my sister joined. The conversation wasnít too bad and not as superficial and readily obvious of the emotional neglect as it usually is.

Thatís when things began to change. T was acting out. Jumping on me and doing things to cause a ruckus. I know she just wanted the attention. She later asked to go to the bathroom she did her thing and then ran through the house with a roll of toilet paper while I was talking with my parents. That when I blurted something out like ďyou kids are driving me f-bomb insane!Ē

It was kind of shocking to my sister, I think my parents were embarrassed and stated that our grandparents used to swear at us as kids. And something changed in me like a flip of a switch. The rest of the day couldnít be saved. I was irritable, angry and on edge. I snapped at my wife for no reason at all. It was too the point where she didnít know where it came from whatís going on with me. But kind of forced me to go for a walk to reset.

I went for a walk in the woods. It was nice, but it didnít help me reset. It continued. I obviously felt mike a horrible father. The shame and the guilt was there too. I couldnít shake it. It continued into the evening.

R suggested that I do something like yoga to help and I actually found that it did. Iíll have to remember that and keep it in my toolbox. Iím definitely at the point where I just want the day to be over and reset tomorrow.

Hopefully tomorrow will be better but I already have apprehension as itís a work day and Iím woefully behind.

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dollyvee

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« Reply #203 on: January 11, 2021, 09:30:21 AM »
I'm glad and hope I'm not putting too much of my own experience on yours. This is just what it took me a long time to recognize that's happening inside.

I find being around my family a huge trigger and no matter how much I prepare for it, it always puts me off. My father used to have an incredible temper. He had an alcoholic mother and came from pretty dysfunctional parents and it was just how he coped with being upset. I'm sure he took it all out on himself. I could tell though, that he tried. When I was young and he would lose his temper, he bought me cards that said, I'm sorry, and I knew he meant it. This was just something he was battling. At the time, it wasn't great but looking back on it, my dad did the most he could to encourage who I was and support me, even though he couldn't always be "there" for me, and I feel like that's the stuff that shines through. That's the stuff that really mattered.

I think kids are much more in tune with what's going on than we know. Perhaps she can feel the shift when your parents are there and senses something is up.

Hope you get your reset  :grouphug:

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Hope67

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« Reply #204 on: January 15, 2021, 01:34:12 PM »
Hi Buddy,
I'm glad that doing some yoga was helpful. 

I read what you wrote, and wanted to send you a hug of support, if that's ok  :hug:

Hope  :)

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buddy9832

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« Reply #205 on: January 16, 2021, 03:13:09 PM »
Thank you hope and dollyvee for you feedback and support.

Iím having a tough day. I guess for some background. When I was in the Navy dealing with all the things I was, one of the few things that helped me get by was the idea of finding a nice piece of quiet land that I could live the rest of my days.

We found that land in a rural town. It has views of the hills nearby and is in a quiet neighborhood. The person that owned the lots before hand placed an easement by our house in hopes that if the large amount of land behind our house opens up he could build more houses.

Well fast forward today. My jerk neighbor cleared an ATV trail on my property thinking it was his. He didnít even bother having the land surveyed. And the land behind us is for sale for cheap. One of neighbors has purchased it but we can tell that the builder is scheming to get his piece of the pie.  The easement literally cuts across the front yard of my neighbor. If the builder put in a road it would little bisect the majority of my neighborís front yard.

We looked into buying some of the land behind our house. We were very optimistic we would be able to get it. But legally it sounds untenable. Since the ATV trails went in a good portion of our neighbors bought ATVs and seem to have little to no respect that they are driving on our property tearing up our land.

Lastly, this last year has been eye opening. It has become apparent that a majority of the neighbors here donít take  COVID seriously. My neighborís across the way, one is a cop, and she throws parties on a weekly basis with no regard to COVID or the laws and regulations surrounding it. To put it simply, she thinks sheís above the law. Itís been very hard for us to watch this, especially my wife as she is a nurse.

To me putting in the ATV trail, the lack of respect for my property, and routine parties is a slap in the face to everything Iíve ever wanted (my quiet piece of land to live the rest of my days). Itís actually painful for me to witness it feels like Iím being toyed with and is yet again more validation of my lack of worth.

With all of this said Iím not yet ready to move. My wife and I have put way too much work in this house and after less than 5 years Iím not quite ready to part ways. R on the other hand, her Gypsy blood is flowing. She wants to move.

Today she came home from work and expressed how she found a new plot of land. 5 acres right next to a farm on rolling hills. Sounds great, but it feels like a kick in the face. It stings. Just 36 hours ago I was plugging  away in the basement putting up insulation. The weekend before I spent the entire time finishing up carpentry. Before that electrical. It feels like she has just invalidated all the work that we both have put into the house. Again, it stings. It feels like yet another validation of my lack of worth. The work you put into this house doesnít matter. I want out.

Whatís the point of continuing work on the basement? Whatís the point of even maintaining the house if it doesnít matter to you? Iím sure this is an overreaction but it stings. I havenít put work in this house just to increase the value. I put my blood, sweat and tears into this place. Anyway. I feel pretty defeated and pretty worthless.

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marta1234

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Re: Buddy9832ís Journal
« Reply #206 on: January 16, 2021, 06:38:06 PM »
Buddy, Iím sorry youíve been going through so much. I completely understand how moving already could be invalidating towards the amounts of work youíve put in your house.
Sending you support and care while you deal with this unknown, and hope you feel a bit better the next days  :hug: Please still be kind to yourself these days (if itís ok to say), I know youíve been struggling a lot lately  :hug:

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buddy9832

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« Reply #207 on: January 25, 2021, 03:22:13 AM »
Hi Marta, thank you for your kind words and support. I appreciate it.

Well last week was Bís 1 year birthday. For me this really marks the start of the pandemic. My work offered 6 weeks of paternity leave which was amazing and upon my return to work, I was on site two weeks before working entirely remote. It brings about it a lot of reflection and sadness. So many people have seen my son but my parents havenít. They didnít get a chance to see him when he was born and once the pandemic started we decided it would be best not too. For all my parents faults their decision not to see my son was actually very thoughtful. They wanted us to get settled. They missed the entire first year of his life.

We had a small party today for him just family within our ďCOVID CircleĒ. I found it hard being present. I pretty much forced myself to do all of the cooking. I didnít want to be around people. I wanted to be alone in my own mind. R clearly notice and would check in on me routinely. Iíd just tell her I was fine.

//====TW======
On a separate note, work has been hard. Itís taking a toll on all of us. We are woefully understaffed and as my boss is new to the role I donít think she really knows or understands she should be justifying additional project manager positions. I opened up to my colleague about a week ago, which is very unusually for me. About how Iím drowning with work and how itís really starting to take a toll. Last week I checked in with him and he kind of mentioned the same. He revealed that in addition to the ridiculous pressures at work heís having some home life issues to include a suicidal friend. It sounds like he had to take his friend to the hospital at least once.

It was interesting to find him in that position. I mentioned to him while I was in the Navy I had to take a friend to the hospital twice. It felt almost validating on the sense that Iíd be able share my experience with someone who would understand. And perhaps Iíd be able to help him get through these times.

On the alternative it caused me to have intrusive thoughts of my coworker who committed suicide at my last job. In my thoughts I was kicking myself for not doing anything. For being naive or at least plain blind. Iíd already had a few experience in the Navy and there were times when I saw this individual she looked so miserable. Iíd think about sitting next to her and talking to her to see how she was doing. But in the end I decided she probably wanted to be alone. Shortly after that she didnít show up to work. A week went by and we all including myself thought she quit. As time went by we found out that she killed herself. Iíve been questioning my involvement or lack thereof with her. I worked directly with her on projects. Perhaps during those times where she sat  alone even if I just engaged with her. Sheíd still be here and likely out of most people at my job I would have been the one to have identify something wasnít quite right. Not that I think that I would have been able to heal my coworkerís struggle but I did fail in identifying and engaging with her and perhaps that could have helped even slightly.

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sanmagic7

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Re: Buddy9832ís Journal
« Reply #208 on: January 25, 2021, 06:51:28 AM »
 :hug:

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buddy9832

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« Reply #209 on: January 27, 2021, 04:36:11 AM »
Well today was a day.

Iíve been reading Pete Walkers book From Surviving to Thriving. Of course Iím at the section that discusses emotional neglect. Today was the tough. It was a fairly constant and painful reminder of how emotional neglect can carry over to the next generation.

My son had a doctors appoint which my wife took him too. Afterwards she needed to sleep to get ready for work which implies I had her kids just about all day. I had no patience for my daughter today. There were times where I parked her at my desk to watch movies on her tablet so I could work. I essentially kept a screen in front of her all day. When she would want to do something else, acted up etc. I had little patience for it. I felt like I was witnessing the emotional neglect being placed on my daughter yet there was nothing I can do about. I canít help but feel yet another generation is effected and that she will end up messed up like me.

As the work day ended I watched it blow up causing me to pick up the pieces tonight. I feel like T could sense my preoccupation and anxiety with work. I was thinking of all of the tasks that I needed to resolve. I feel like she acted out because she could sense that tension from me. She would not go to sleep taking me away from work. It took me two hours to get her to bed. Again I had no patience. She kept getting out of bed. At one point, I explained to her that if she kept getting up I would need to put a baby gate up. She wouldnít have to sleep but she would have to play in her room while I cleaned up from the day. She freaked. I could hear her crying upstairs as I was trying to clean the kitchen and feed the animals. I could only think about the discussions in Pete Walkers book about abandonment and how I was inflicting that on her.

I feel pretty low. I suppose I deserve it.

Iím just so tired. Iím tired of this pandemic. Iím tired of being over worked. Iím tired of not getting help. R and I are drowning yet we still have no one to rely on except ourselves. I know others have it worse, it would just be nice to have some help we could count on.