Buddy9832’s Journal

[rainydiary]

Buddy, thank you for sharing about your challenging day.  Right now we are trying to accomplish conflicting roles in small places without the space and rest we need. 

When you talk about having Pete Walker's words in your mind as you go about your day resonates with me.  I don't have children of my own but I often will say or do something at work with my students where I wonder if they will be crying about it in their 30s like I have been.  I am trying to take that pressure off of myself because everyone is so different and what may be traumatizing to one person might not be to another. I had a moment like that this week where I realized I had triggered a sensitive topic for a student and he went on a rant to me in front of his entire class and his teacher. 

When these things happen I realize how easy it is make mistakes but also that how others react is complex and not really in my control.  I am a speech language pathologist and work with people on communication.  The more I learn about communication and see the challenges people face with communication the more I realize how impossible it is to get it right.  More we use communication as a tool to navigate the ups and downs the best we can. 

I see awareness in your post where you recognize that something didn't feel right to you in your day.  Little ones need us to learn to regulate their emotions and it is tough when we weren't given the tools to regulate ours.  It is also more challenging when we are trying to fill conflicting roles and can't be everything to everyone. 

I hope your days get smoother.  Reading Pete Walker's book was intense and triggering for me but I am glad I did it as it helped me understand myself more. 

[buddy9832]

For my records I wanted to post this here in addition to the having a hard day thread.

//=================
Well last night was one for the books. I managed to completely disrupt my FIL's birthday.

For some context I've been absolutely wound up burning the candle at both ends. I don't have time for self care, I don't have time for much. I'm a project manager in pharma and due to COVID let's just say we're overworked. To my wife's family, I feel like my family (my wife and kids) are second class citizens. My wife works nights so I'm the child care in the day. We can't afford day care nor do we have any kind of help available. My parents aren't around and my in laws are not dependable. My point is, we are drowning in life.

I've been getting so angry and irritable lately. Snapping at my 3 year old daughter. Then be chased by guilt of the emotional neglect and abandonment I felt as a kid. We can't keep up with house chores we simply don't have time. My SIL has a nanny 4 days a week and her in laws to watch the kids. She has options where as we don't.

I am providing all this context simply to describe how I've been feeling. I feel low like a second class citizen to my in laws. We can't rely on them for anything yet they expect things from us. They are way more reliable for my SIL. We are drowning. I'm drowning at work and failing as a farther. Each day I am so incredibly irritable and I watch myself snap at my daughter. To me it's like watching the generational torch of emotional neglect and abandonment be passed down to her and not be able to do a single thing about it. I feel pretty low.

Over the weekend, it was my son's birthday. He is our little pandemic baby. For me his birth marks the start of the pandemic. At the party my SIL's son hit my daughter hard and caused her to cry. We obviously comforted my daughter but nothing else happened to my nephew.

Fast forward to the other night it was my FIL birthday. It was a pretty big day as the year before he was more or less knocking on death's door. Everyone was over for dinner my SIL's family and kids my wife's grandparents and my in laws. I watch as my nephew hit my daughter not once, not twice, but three times. My MIL tried to diffuse the situation but it was insufficient. Everyone at the dinner table was aware what was going on but no one did a thing. On the fourth time
My daughter was hit, I absolutely snapped.

I went into full blown irate sailor mode. I told my SIL with a handful of expletives to go parent her kid instead of sitting there. I lost it. I was so angry. I scared the children at the party and needed to spend the rest of the night outside in the cold air.

My in laws were concerned that I abuse my kids and wife, I don't.

I just could not watch my daughter get hit and not a single soul do anything about it. I couldn't handle it. Something snapped in me. I'm not sure if this was an over reaction. If this is something I experienced growing up. But I snapped.

As I got home the usual toxic shame and self loathing kicked in. I was at least ideating self harm. I called my T and Psychiatrist for assistance.

It was bad. I'm not sure what I should do. I feel like I should check myself into a VA PTSD clinic.

[buddy9832]

A couple of days have passed since my incident. As I'm sure you can imagine I had a slew of appoints with my psych, T and couples T.

More or less my psych and T told me I'm tapped out and need to find ways to relieve the pressure. I suppose that implies my reaction to Wednesday night was an over reaction? The problem is I've been struggling to find adequate solutions. Alternative child care is not an option. We can't afford a nanny, day care etc. The only people we can rely on are my in laws. My parents are out of the picture. My in laws at best have been inconsistent with helping us. We will plan on them watching the kids one day a week, schedule far in advance a day for them to help only to find the plans fall through 24 hours before hand. It's incredibly frustrating to me. I witness my SIL having a nanny 4 days a week and two sets of grandparents watch the kids other times; meanwhile R and I are drowning and can't even get consistent help one day a week. I hear comments from my MIL how she has one meeting to attend at work and therefore can't watch the kids. Meanwhile, I have to find a way to watch two screaming children while I'm in meetings all day and my wife is sleeping.

R actually had a direct conversation with her parents the other day on this and as expected it wasn't received well. Apparently, we are ungrateful. It was a blowout. I'm just so tired of this dynamic. I feel like I'm an alien living on another world. I don't understand how we are the ungrateful children, when we are the ones always available for all family events. Bend over backwards when we are asked help. We only want consistency!

I think I've exhausted my cards. I think it's time for me to speak to my parents. I don't even know how to begin this or how it would be received. I'm thinking of speaking with my sister first who is a T as well but more so she's closer to our parents. Perhaps, I can get some information I wouldn't be able to gain otherwise? And on the same hand, I couldn't help but shake the guilt as it came to the realization that it's been 10 days since B's birthday and I still haven't had him open up my parents presents. I feel pretty horrible about that.

I just feel like a ball of stress. I feel incredibly wound up and on edge.

I was hoping writing would help a bit, but I don't think it did.

[rainydiary]

Hi Buddy, What I see when I read your post is that people you are reaching out to (psych, T) are saying things that don't come across as validating of your experience.  They say release pressure and you are asking how?  My experience is that it is difficult to relieve pressure when there is so much uncertainty and no end in sight.  It sounds like you have a plan and I hope you are able to some support that feels like support. 

[buddy9832]

Thanks Rainy, I'm really happy to have read your response. As of late I feel like I've been leaning that way and have been considering switching Ts. I've been in therapy for about three years and it feels like I've reached a plateau or in fact I'm starting to go back down the hill again. That's probably more appropriate. The T I had was originally recommended to me as she specializes in eating disorders which my wife is recovering from. It helped navigate the initial steps but as it's coming clear that I have cPTSD, it's probably time to switch to someone who is a little more focused on trauma and emotional neglect. I scheduled an appointment with a psychologist who specializes in PTSD. The person was recommended by my Couple's T. To be honest I feel kind of horrible switching Ts but rational me knows it's time.

//=====TW======

I've been struggling as of late. I guess that's an understatement. When I had my episode. I went from absolutely irate at my in laws to the extreme lows of self loathing. It's was definitely one of of those points where I know the tools to use to pull me out of the pit of self hatred, I acknowledge they are there. But then decided, no buddy, your not worth it you should suffer. I even acknowledge that this comes at the expense of my family and that can't pull me out. R was very concerned that night. She locked away all my medications and wouldn't leave my side. I can't blame her. I definitely hated myself but I'm not sure anything would come about of it.

Work is only getting worse. I found out one of my fellow PMs is leaving. It leaves just two of us plus one who was just recently hired. In short there is absolutely no way we can keep up with our own work now. If we're assigned my colleague's work it will lead to utter failure. My friend (the other PM) and I have mutually decided that we will no longer accept new projects. I've been advocating that we're being overworked for months. Still no changes have come. We are severely understaffed and it's taking a toll.

Switching gears my wife and I think that I should consider a partial hospitalization program. It feels progress is not being made or perhaps declining. I'm on the fence about it. Realistically, I'm sure it would be a benefit for me. I'm obviously at a roadblock and need to find new ways forward. On the alternate side, that implies that I'm fracturing, have issues and am not as strong as I thought I was. It requires vulnerability that I'm always hesitant to give up. I'm not sure where I stand. Furthermore, how can I justify a leave of absence especially when my colleagues are drowning? My friend, the other PM, indicated that he's having mental health problems as well. I can't leave him with my projects in addition to his. Lastly, I selfishly don't want to be replaced on the COVID project. I guess I kind of equate it to I suppose people working on the Apollo program to the moon. Everyone understands the gravity and that they are living through an existential crisis in which the work that we are doing will have real value.  That opportunity, will not come about again. I don't know where I stand.

I do know I'm struggling. Today was an incredibly tough day. I've been on edge most of the day watching the kids. My daughter is being three and I've snapped at her a few times. Me snapping doesn't do anything to help me or the situation and I just find myself adding more fuel to the self loathing fire because it feels like I'm setting her up to relive my life.

[rainydiary]

Buddy, I wanted to let you know I've read your post.  Your questions and wonderings and dilemmas resonate with me.  Something I am seeing in my experience is how stigmatized these questions we face are and how mismatched mental health support is in our country.  I start judging myself for not talking to someone about what I've been through but finding the right person to share that with is so challenging.  I hope that you find your next step which works for you. 

[Blueberry]

Buddy I read your post too. I'm sorry you're struggling so much atm. Good on switching T when you know it's time to do so

I can empathise with some of your thoughts about going into partial hospitalisation or staying on at work and not leaving co-workers in the lurch. (Not the Covid project though, my work didn't involve anything ground-breaking like that.) In the end my body decided for me - I collapsed physically and remained off work for months before going into a full hospitalisation programme. Just after my collapse, two of my colleagues had accidents and were off work for weeks and weeks. The company managed, so did the remaining co-workers.

Sometimes it takes time to come to the right decision for oneself.

Buddy, you are worth pulling out of the pit of self-hatred. You aren't the problem. What was done to you that caused cptsd is the problem. 

[Pioneer]

Hi Buddy, just stopping by to give my support. I resonate with what you said about snapping at your daughter (I've been there many times) and feeling like I'm failing her, and also feeling the deep self-loathing. The fact that you recognize that you snapped at her and care about her wellbeing shows that you are seeking to not neglect her emotional needs. I think that goes a long way!

You seem like you have strengths in loyalty, caring for others and protectiveness. Those are great qualities! I realize that you may not feel like you are, but it shows. Now you are in the process of figuring out what it looks like to care for yourself. It's a confusing, often painful process. Hang in there!

[buddy9832]

Thanks rainy, bb and pioneer for your feedback and encouragement. I appreciate it.

This week was incredibly hard. Wednesday, I get an email from my boss how I'm still slow on following up on emails and that she doesn't like "my tone " in my my responses. I must therefore cc her on all communication moving forward.

I was livid, the fact that she has the audacity to critique me after being overworked. When there is only two of us fully operational and realistically we would need another 4 more people. Furthermore, and I know this is a Navy leadership hold over. Her team is suffering, if I was in her shoes I'd be doing everything I can to get more man power. Her critique stung. It felt like validation of my lack of self worth.

I responded to her in an professional manner. I told her how I was unexpectedly out sick for two days. This was because of my episode which work doesn't know about. It's been two weeks since being out sick and each day I've been sincerely trying to clear my inbox. Even after two weeks, I still have over 700 unread emails. Of which a majority I probably need to read. I also reiterated to her that I'm overworked and have been on a sprint for 5 months. This is not sustainable.

Thursday we had a town hall to go over 2020 earnings. It's no surprise why the PM team is overworked. We had the same staff numbers since 2019 but found we doubled the number of projects to manage. Essentially, in order to do the job well with current staff loads we would need to work 16 hour days. Not feasible. Meanwhile the scientific staff and other ancillary staff has doubled meeting the change.

Lastly, Friday sucked. I had my annual review and I was eviscerated. On a scale of 1 to 5 I usually average somewhere in the 3s to 4s. She rated me at 2 for underperforming. I can't say she's wrong but it's entirely due to circumstance. This review stung. I could feel my IC and perfectionist self unloading on me. But what can I do? New boss, this is how she saw my performance. It felt like a validation of my lack of worth.

Fortunately, today I was able to think it through more and counter the narrative:
This performance review is not a reflection of my performance, it's a reflection of the circumstances at work. No one would be able to keep up with what I'm dealing with and if they are it is at great cost to themselves and their family.
I need to remember the Sun Tzu quote "keep your friends close but your enemies closer". She is the ticket for me getting what I want.
I don't agree with my boss' leadership style. She definitely is not about taking care of her people. I cannot change how she manages. But her inability to take care of her staff will be her downfall. Her inability to provide solutions to a growing problem will be recognized and remediated.

[Not Alone]

Reviews are not only about our performance, but also reflect the perspective of the supervisor. In a previous job, I had a supervisor who expressed gratitude for me doing X. Later, a different supervisor commented on the exact same thing and basically said that I didn't go beyond to help, because I only did X.  Your circumstances at work do seem impossible.

[buddy9832]

Thanks notalone, I appreciate it. Most days they really do feel impossible. There's just no way to keep up.

I've been reading Pete Walker's book from surviving to thriving lately and it has brought quite a bit of reflection. On the one hand I still have days where I find myself in denial, that I don't have cPTSD. But when I peer into the book, I've never found something that had characterized my experiences so well than cPTSD. Just about every aspect fits like a glove. If I was to look at MDD, I think it's no surprise I have depression but it doesn't nearly fit as well for an example.

Though the characteristics and symptoms of cPTSD fit like a glove, I struggle with the root cause. My experiences  are not so cut and dry. Yes, I've had traumatic experiences in the Navy but to this day it is hard for me to accept them as 'PTSD worthy'. Which would lead me to my childhood. Yes, with hindsight it's obvious for me to tell that I was depressed a good portion of my childhood. But to my knowledge I wasn't abused, I wasn't hit nor sexually assaulted. That really only points to one last causal factor: emotional neglect.

I struggle with accepting this regularly. It's obvious to me that my father could support emotional neglect. He worked all the time and was incredibly stoic. You could probably read the emotions of a paper bag better than his. My mother on the other hand, was nothing but loving. At least what I can recall. The only time I can attribute her to being emotionally neglectful would be when my grandmother was sick with cancer, my mom taking care of her. And after my grandmother died, my mom switching gears to take care of my handicapped grandfather. But this happened well into my childhood. I was probably in 5th or 6th grade when that started. Not necessarily the formidable toddler years.

I had a roof over my head, never went hungry, went to private school through high school (and at great sacrifice from my parents). Never did I want nor need. It's hard for me to come to terms that emotional neglect is likely the causal factor but where was it and when?

I find that I largely fill the flight and freeze characteristics of the somatic nervous system. One thing which I've been reflecting on a lot lately is an excerpt in which Pete Walker characterizes I believe flight with a tendency to take on too much, overwork oneself to complete exhaustion and then require extended period of time to rest an recuperate before overextending oneself again. That defines me in a nutshell. I burn the candle at all possible ends and then crash. I don't know why I do this. I know it's to keep my mind occupied. The times where my mind is not occupied are the times that things are the worst. I recall after graduating college so desperately wanting time to rest. The navy wouldn't let that happen. Taking 30 days of leave was nowhere close enough rest to recharge. Why can't I handle my own mind? Why must I work myself to the bone and exhaust myself?

[buddy9832]

Just feel the need to vent. After months of reflection, I have decided to terminate services with my T and move on to a T who is more focused on PTSD. My original therapist specialized in eating disorders and was quite helpful when I first started therapy as my wife is recovering from an eating disorder. I've been working with this individual for at least three years and I do admit I've made strides on my healing journey. But as I've discussed in previous entries of my journal, I feel like I've hit a plateau at best or at worst am falling backwards. To me I feel like I need to make changes, I feel that will help me move forward. I think she was great for getting me to where I am today but I now need an alternate therapist to help me move forward with the next steps.

I informed my psychiatrist that I switched therapist and can't help feel like I was getting chastised. I was being told I'm moving too fast. Furthermore, there was discussion on self-diagnosis with cPTSD. I understand cPTSD is not a part of the DSM and I have not been professionally diagnosed with it from my psychiatrist. With that said, I have been diagnosed or at least she explicitly told me in the past that I have PTSD. I've never found a condition, that fits my experiences better than cPTSD and I've been looking just as long as I've been in therapy. cPTSD may not be recognized and let's say for the sake of argument it is not real. The fact that it fits the mold better than anything I've looked at to me at least implies that it warrants further investigation and understanding as perhaps it will let me understand why I am the way I am.

I spent the last 45 minutes justifying my decision to change therapist. I'm tired of defending myself. I feel I do nothing but that at work. Nothing but that with my in laws and now my shrink?

I just want to understand why I am the way I am. What contributed to it and what I can do to heal. Why do I need to defend that.

[alliematt]

Fewer things are more frustrating than feeling the need to explain/defend a decision that you made that you believe is the right one for you.  I'm sorry you're having to deal with this!  (Hugging you virtually if that is OK.)

[buddy9832]

Thanks Alliematt, I appreciate it.

So yesterday was my last appointment with my T. I have mixed feelings. I do recognize that I made considerable progress in the three years I worked with her. I'd say they focused around acknowledgement.  Three  years ago I would have never admitted I was depressed or had anxiety. I wouldn't have even begin to come to terms with emotional neglect and that it came from my parents. In that progress had been made. I wouldn't have acknowledge the aspect PTSD and cPTSD has on my life.

I do feel like I've reached a plateau and acknowledgment is the furthest I've gotten or can get to in this present juncture. I need change and I'm hoping with using a therapist that is more focused on trauma will help with the next steps.

I also can't help that it felt like a break up. Please call me out if my behavior was unacceptable, but I terminated services by leaving a voicemail. It was very professionally done. I said something to the effect of how I appreciated the work that we've done together and I'm surprised with how far we've gotten but I feel like I'm at a plateau and need to move on. I mentioned how it was a very difficult decision for me to make (which it was).

We ended up having one last call Friday in which we reviewed the progress made. She mentioned how she was thrown off that I made this decision on the phone. I suppose I didn't really think that making that decision on the phone was in appropriate as I saw it more as along professional lines than personal.

Anyway it was done. I started work with a more trauma focused T and I hope the next steps of improvement will come about.

[Blueberry]

I once terminated sessions with a therapist-type person by writing her a letter which was a bit strange. Phoning would have been normal and speaking on voice-mail if I couldn't reach her. But I wrote my letter because latterly when I spoke to this T-type person, I couldn't stay in my Adult part which she found inappropriate.

I certainly wouldn't "call you out" on your method of ending the therapy. Your T seemed taken aback but maybe that's her thing. 

Good luck with your new T! Sometimes a change of T is necessary.