Hello!

[Gabrielle4500]

Hi there,
I am new here, my name is Gabrielle and I suffer cptsd.

I recently read a book by Pete Walker named 'Complex ptsd: from surviving to thriving'. It really impacted me as I have had an emotionally and psychologically abusive childhood with parents very similar to many described in the book. It validated me to find written there, many truths I always knew where inside me but never allowed myself to believe I might be right after all!

I have had therapy for many years. Sometimes helpful and sometimes better left out. This is an onion with many layers, and I've also been my own therapist by reading many self-help books throughout the years. It seems however, that this is a lifetime battle, so here I am, still following my path and trying to hook up with fellow travellers.

I hope are mutual journey is for the benefit of everyone involved. 

Cheers!

Gabrielle

[Rrecovery]

Hi Gabrielle4500 and Welcome    Sounds like you are in the right place, glad you found us.  I have had a lot of therapy and done a lot of self-help work as well; so I know that it is a Hero's Journey so good for us  Walker's book is amazing, and challenging.  Hearing that recovery is a lifelong process was difficult for me at first.  But as I come to see it gets better and better and better and better, the heaviness of it has lifted a lot.  I have found this forum extremely helpful, validating and encouraging.  Good to have you here and I look forward to getting to know you better 

[Kizzie]

Hi and a very warm welcome Gabrielle    I'm so sorry you also have CPTSD, but you are in very good company here. 

Your example of the onion is a great way of describing the layers of trauma in CPTSD!   It can be slow going peeling away layer after layer but as Rrecovery suggests, the heaviness of it all does begin to lift as we do so.  You seem to have accepted that recovery is ongoing though and that's a hard one to get past. I found it hard to accept that this is or can be a lifetime of effort, but then I think back to where I was and where I am now and I am reassured that it's worth the effort.

I'm glad you've already found and read Pete Walker's book, it really resonates with a lot of us.  For me it was like seeing myself clearly for the first time in his words.  He also has a web site here - http://www.pete-walker.com/ you might want to take a look at if you haven't already done so. There are many good resources here at OOTS and more added daily so please have a look around.

Glad you found your way here! 

[C.]

Welcome Gabrielle,  I too found and started to read Walker's book and finally felt like I'd found someone who understood and described my experience perfectly.  For me it was a mixed bag of relief from knowing and becoming aware as well as the natural grieving over really knowing that I had a childhood experience that did not meet my emotional needs and injured me.  As you describe I think you've found a supportive community.  One that understands your experience.  One that can provide support when you need it.  I know that I've found those things here.  Welcome 

[Gabrielle4500]

  Thanks to everyone who welcome me here. You're very kind and I appreciate it.
I am just trying to find words to express a few things that have been going around in my head but then I find 'no words' or I feel that I don't know where to start.
So, maybe I will keep reading and replying to http://outofthefog.net/C-PTSD/forum/Smileys/classic/stars.gifposts until I can get my own firs
Again, thanks to you all!

[Sandals]

  welcome! I relate soooo much to the difficulty in finding words. What helped me was moving from thinking I needed the right words to just talking about what felt top of mind, sharing here and with my T and others, and hearing their words...the more I shared and listened, the better my words became. Before I never would have been able to express things like feeling invisible and dismissed because I didn't even have an awareness that those were ways to feel...even though it was exactly how I felt. Make sense?

You will get there, too.

[C.]

Exactly to what Sandals said. 

I think that you'll find this community very supportive and understanding, not focused on flaws or critical.  So whatever you write is "right" and acceptable.  I admit that I still often cut and paste from a word program, but as I become more familiar w/everyone I'm getting better at speaking from that spot where the heart, mind and tummy connect (spiritual, intellectual and emotional identity). 

I hear a desire to find your voice too which is an important step towards healing.  So know that you have a collective ready and interested in hearing your story and helping you find the words.  And that your words are important, whatever they might be.