Need reassurance

[periwinkle]

Is my ability to bond with people permanently damaged because of trauma? Am I always going to be alone? I really wonder. I've always been more or less isolated because of social anxiety and avoidance interfering with my ability to socialize. I tend to be needy and overshare in some contexts, because of craving intimacy, too, even if it's kind of contradictory with being avoidant. I've been trying to improve on my social skills for years, and telling myself it's worth it to keep trying to connect with people, even though it's hard, and it hurts when it doesn't work, and it feels like it's something that's permanently not for me sometimes. I'm 26 and I still barely have any friends. I'm scared that as I get older, my ability to meet and connect with people is really not going to improve at all, because who's ever going to appreciate and respect someone like me -- with trouble holding a job and not much hobbies or excitement about anything because of depression? I don't think I'm alone because I'm hurtful. I take a lot of pride in not replicating the toxic behavior I was surrounded in through my family, like being manipulative or making hurtful jokes and things like that, but my way to relate to people is still not quite right. Like, I have a few friends but I feel like all my relations are asymmetrical, like others matter more to me than I do to them, always, and it scares me. I don't know if I'm unable to appreciate the proximity in the friendships I do have, or I'm genuinely a side character in the life of everyone who matters to me, it's hard to tell. I feel like I'm one step removed from being abandoned by everyone who matters to me, pretty much all the time.
I'm not in contact with my biological family. I feel like I haven't really had a family at all; any kind of parent figure to really show me safe and caring love, and give me guidance and reassurance. I wish I could have someone like that in my life. I really want a chosen family. I wish there was some kind of dating website analogue for that; messed up person looking for parent figure or sibling-like friend, anyone interested? But there isn't.
Can someone reassure me that it's not just me with these issues? That it can get better, that people like us get to bond with people and love and feel loved, too? That isolation and abandonment are things we can escape if we keep trying and believing it's worth it to reach out?

[buddy9832]

Hey Periwinkle,

I can assure you that you are not alone in having these issues and feelings. I've been having trouble coming to terms that I've been more or less abandoned by my family, especially during a time I needed them most. This feeling of abandonment has left me especially vulnerable to abandonment issues. Not too long ago, I did something to violate my wife's trust. She is really the only person I can rely on now. She openly discussed leaving, not knowing where the relationship would go and divorce. This pushed me to a really dark place.

I don't know if I can offer you much advice right now as I am still very much in the depths of trying to resolve my abandonment issues. But again I can tell you that YOU ARE NOT ALONE. 

[periwinkle]

@buddy9832 Thank you for the support! I'm sorry you're struggling with similar issues and I wish you good luck, working through things with your wife and also, importantly, with yourself.

[owl25]

I can relate to a lot of what you wrote, periwinkle. I have wondered the same things. I think with our kinds of wounds it's really hard to form close connections with others, for fear of being hurt in the same ways again. It's really hard. For myself, I really struggled for decades with barely having any friends. I recently realized that there has been a part of me that has resisted and doesn't want people in my life. It was a bit of shocking insight, to be honest! It took me a really long time to figure out, but for me, I think I need to do more work on myself before I'll be able to successfully start to build up connections with others and hopefully form close friendships. I used to think it was the other way around - if only I could make friends somehow, then I would be able to heal and be okay. But, I think once I have healed enough, I will have enough internal resources to put towards working on letting more people into my life. It's going to take some time and effort, because I am ambivalent about people - on my good days when I feel okay, I love to spend time by myself, I'm a big introvert. On my bad days I am desperate for someone to be there for me - that's not a good basis to try and start a friendship or relationship with other people on. So, I need to get to a place where I have mostly good days, and then I have to actively work on the part of me that, truth be told, can't be bothered to go out and socialize.

I've come a long way with the help of therapy, it certainly has made me more relaxed around other people than I used to be. I do show more of myself and am less invisible, but I still tend to hide myself around others.

It isn't just you with these issues. I think the social isolation is part and parcel of relational trauma. I also know it can get better, as I can see my path forward in this area now, which I didn't used to be able to. One thing that is making a huge difference for me, is the IFS therapy I am doing. I only just started that, and it's a game changer for me. It is absolutely worth it to keep at this. 

[periwinkle]

@owl25 Thanks for sharing all this! It helps to know other people struggle with this too, toxic shame tends to make it feel like every issue is uniquely my own & my fault but when stepping back & with some reassurance, it becomes clear that they aren't. Good luck with therapy & great to hear you have been able to notice some progress!

(I was really in distress when I started this thread but I'm back to feeling stable fwiw.)

[owl25]

Glad you're doing better now If the same distress pops up again, coming back to this thread may help. All of what you are feeling is totally normal given your past experiences. You're not alone with this. 

[Moondance]

I see this thread is 3 years old but Periwinkle wrote what I could have written, word for word. 

I am so sad that so many of us, quite possibly all of us experience relational difficulties as a result of the trauma. Cones with the territory I guess.

So many times now I have read someone else's story/experiences on this forum and can relate almost always word for word.

And each time I feel tremendous relief and some comfort and validation.  Unfortunately for me it is short lived but is so good to feel that in that moment.

I feel relief that it's not me, it's the trauma.  I feel that i have a lot of healing to do to really believe that wholeheartedly but thats okay.   I feel comfort
that this is a shared reaction to the trauma done to us. 

I have difficulty believing how I interact with people and process relationships will change.  That's probably the biggest challenge right now.  I've lost hope that I will or can change.  As mentioned in this thread I've also tried and worked at my social skills, relationships, myself for years and in the past 3 years find myself even more isolated than ever.  Perhaps the crashes over the past couple years have done me in and I will regain some strength as I heal. 

 

[Kizzie]

It is a bit of a relief that we are so similar I agree, but then there's the 'now what?' part of things. 

Just being here is one way of learning about relationships; that is, being open will not rain down awful things on you like it might have in your family of origin. It means you have a community of people just like you that will support you. 

I've started a Zoom group to trial how that goes for those who want to take another step in learning how to relate so we can discuss and share face-to-face within the safety of Zoom. I'm finding I really enjoy it and I hope that those feelings carry out into other non-survivor relationships. That's the plan anyway. This group is just a trial, but if it works out I may start another few groups.

I'm also hoping to start a live support group where I live at some point.  It's the only way I can think to actually learn more about relationships. I don't talk therapy can do it for us, it's actually trying on relationships for size in safe ways in real life that may.  Our bodies need to feel relationships can be safe, not just our minds.  That's CPTSD sadly.   

[Moondance]

Your right Kizzie, what now?!

I don't feel ready for zoom groups but I agree that we need to learn to feel safe in both our minds and bodies.  It is a great thing you are doing Kizzie and to me what you are doing seens gigantic as I struggle everytime I leave the house never mind involving others in my midst. 

So for me not sure what will happen next but I do want to learn more but more importantly I guess I really want to feel safer, regulate better so than there is even a possibility of considering joining in with zoom meetings, etc.  I have so much fear about deciding to really take part in anything again.

[Kizzie]

It's just recently I felt safe enough to try Zoom Moondance and I've been at this recovery thing since 2014. Sharing here is a good way to start IMO because we get a lot of affirming and supportive responses and eventually our bodies let that seep in I think.  So maybe take your time and let it seep in and you'll be ready for more when you're ready