Intense flashback - very confused. *trigger warning

[EJHMH]

Hi. I'm new here so hopefully this is the correct place for this post. Apologies if I ramble, I'm not great at explaining!


A bit of background - my parents are alcoholics and my CPTSD stems from emotional abuse and neglect, some physical neglect and some very minor physical abuse. I'm currently living with them (details not needed for this post). My mum also has bipolar disorder. I call my dad a 'functioning alcoholic' because he's always managed to work and drive etc, whereas my mum hasn't. My childhood was hectic, my parents have a toxic relationship but the house has generally been calmer for the last 10 years or so (it's still not calm, but it's better than it was growing up). Throughout that childhood, the police were called a handful of times for allegations of abuse, to talk to my dad about speeding and I can't remember what else.

As a child, I begged my parents for a divorce and my mum left the house a few times for various things, including for rehab, for a shelter, and a couple of stints in hospital for a broken leg. This was the only calm time I experienced. Fast forward to now, and this week she told us she was leaving, but on account of accused mental abuse from my dad. I'm okay with her leaving, we had no relationship beyond a few words here and there and now she is gone, all contact will be ended. As far as I'm concerned, this should give me some peace and also improve my sleep, as there won't be arguments every evening. As far as I know, her allegations are false but I will say I may be too close to the situation, and too habituated to the situation to say it with conviction. Anyway, before she left, she had trouble getting into a shelter and someone advised her to call the police. They couldn't help her but she found an alternative the day afterwards and has been gone since Saturday.

The police coming triggered a MAJOR emotional flashback for me, but I can't fully understand why. My usual triggers are confrontation and things like my dads attitude, a feeling like someone is being too pushy, things like that. My usual reaction to a triggering situation is to either remove myself and have a panic attack in private if I'm in a familiar situation (home), or to freeze, accept whatever is happening and later, panic attack and try to backtrack (e.g. agreeing with my boss to do work I wasn't comfortable with, going home, panic attack, messaging to apologise but I couldn't do the work). Before the police even arrived at the house though, I was shaking and while talking to them, I almost couldn't talk. To my memory, I've only experienced that kind of full body shaking when i'm having a full blown panic attack but I couldn't cry or hyperventilate etc while they were here. Since then, I've been locked into an anxious an angry state. I don't usually experience anger during flashbacks, but I vaguely remember a time in my childhood when I felt some very all-consuming rage against my mum. Saying that, I have had much worse experiences than the police visits to my house, so I don't understand why it's provoked a more severe reaction than other situations.

In short, it's been a * of a weekend. I haven't processed any feelings about my mum leaving yet. I know what other people expect me to feel, but I feel as though the experience with the police has overridden my ability to process anything else right now. I thought I was beginning to understand my flashbacks, but now I'm just confused. If you've made it to the end, I appreciate you reading!

[Jazzy]

Sorry to hear its been such a tough week for you. Hopefully it gets better soon. As you said, the house will be calmer.  For a lot of us, LC/NC is the healthiest option when it comes to our parents (or those who have treated us so badly), so I understand your feelings in that regard.

Its good you've identified what you're going through. These kind of EFs do happen. Sometimes they last for a while, but usually if you can process it and understand what exactly is going on and why, it will help it pass.

I think for a lot of us, our CPTSD was caused by an authority figure, and so it makes sense that authority figures could trigger a flashback. I have a lot of trouble with authority myself, and certainly difficulty dealing with the police. I've had the exact reaction you described, shaking, difficulty speaking, mostly frozen.  Its really hard to go through that, and it certainly leaves a lasting impression.

Things will get better, just hang in there. I hope it passes soon. All the best!

[Three Roses]

I think for a lot of us, our CPTSD was caused by an authority figure, and so it makes sense that authority figures could trigger a flashback.

True for me, too.

You're being inundated with a lot of different, stressful situations. Covid19, the riots, your mom leaving (which seems to be dredging up conflicting emotions, relief and sadness perhaps), then on top of all that the police are called. Could it be you're overwhelmed and it's catching up to you? 

You mentioned you have Pete Walker's book on cptsd but here's a link to managing flashbacks from his website - http://pete-walker.com/flashbackManagement.htm

You may want to give our sister site a visit to see if there's anything there for you, since your m has bpd, and that site is for those of us who are in relationship to people with personality disorders - https://www.outofthefog.net/forum/index.php, https://outofthefog.website

I hope you find some relief soon. Just know that you're not alone, we get it, and we're here to support you however we can.

[Not Alone]

I read your post and hear you. You are experiencing those feelings for a reason. I know that for me it is even harder when I don't know what the intensity is connected to.