Rainy Journal

[rainydiary]

Thanks Buddy - I appreciate the support!

As the day went on yesterday I realized that I had been triggered way before those situations.  I was listening to a podcast and the topic triggered me back to the time of my BIL's death last November.  That time keeps coming up more and more of late and I don't really understand why. 

I was reminded yesterday that I will never get rid of being triggered.  The goal is more to work with what is happening and try to find my way back to the place where I am not triggered.  That makes me feel better but also sad for the reasons I am triggered. 

I am worn down today.  I think I might go to bed early. 

[rainydiary]

This morning I think I started to understand why the time of my BIL's keeps coming up.  From the moment we got the news up until now, no one from my ILs, including my husband, has asked how I am or how the experience impacted me.  I think my husband asked me once during the week I spent there when my BIL was hospitalized, but the rest of the time I was there and until this moment I've had to take care of myself with it. 

At the time, I understood as the family was in crisis.  I also know them that they don't have a lot of emotional resources in a normal time so I wasn't surprised.  But the wounded inner me was like "here is another example of why you are worthless."  My BIL's death led me to understanding my own trauma history so I also had that to deal with.   

I am beginning to see how I have felt abandoned by now only my family of origin but also by my family of choice.  While I haven't truly been alone during this journey, these two "abandonments" feel the worst. 

[owl25]

That sounds so hard, rainy. To not only have your original family but chosen family to let you down in a similar way. It may not have occurred to your chosen family that you might be affected by your BIL. They may think you're okay because you are "new" to the family.

I find the hardest part with all this trauma is having to cope alone. It seems to be part and parcel of trauma. I think had we not been alone when the bad things in our lives happened, we would have recovered. Maybe a little scarred but not a whole lot worse for wear. It's really hard to come out that pit of isolation and pain. I think the healing comes from making new connections with others, and no longer being alone. I think abandonment  is so traumatizing because we're left on our own with no one out there that has our back. By definition that is a loss of safety.

[rainydiary]

Owl, thank you!  Your reflection captures where my mind and heart are today. 

As the day has gone on, more of my grief related to this experience has opened and I am becoming aware of how alone I have felt for the past 10+ years even when my husband is in the same room.  Most of the loneliness isn't even from anything in the present or about him.  I am seeing that I have been stuck back in time. 

There was a period of our relationship when we first met and even when we began to work through difficult things where I felt so connected and free.  I had found my person.  And then we moved to his hometown.  I think it was when he asked me to move there that I began to shut down.  My heart said don't do it but I did anyways.  After hearing his mom say to someone "I got him to move back home" I shut down some more.  By that point I wasn't listening to all the alarm bells going off.  And after I told him his mom said that and he said "Oh she just means she's glad I'm back," I shut down completely.  I have been waiting since that time to find my way back to him.  I couldn't bear the pain. 

But that pain and the pain of my upbringing has been eating away at me for years.  I cried several times today.  I didn't realize I had closed down parts of myself.  I hope more will keep unlocking.

Today I am also finding peace in the awareness that to be mindful and well doesn't mean preventing and/or avoiding difficult and bad things.  That thought is taking a lot of pressure off. 

[buddy9832]

Rainy, it sounds like today you are managing it well and if that is the case that's awesome. Abandonment sucks. As I read your past two entries I can't help but feel your pain. It brought Th t back memories of my own abandonment, how I am still stuck back in time and can't seem to move on.

I can understand the alienation you feel from your in laws. I find mine very triggering. I get incredibly angry that I lost my family to now inherit my chosen family who is just as dysfunctional.

My point is I think I can imagine your pain. And it sounds like today is a victory and that your managing it well. If that's the case, I hope you can celebrate it. It seems like a big step to healing

[Hope67]

Hi Rainy,
I also find my equivalent of 'in-laws' to be triggering as well - and I also think that abandonment is really tough and feeling stuck back in time and can't seeming to move on - that resonates with me - sometimes I think about being in a 'waiting room' of some kind - not sure what's ahead, but feeling alone.  Your description in your journal reminded me of that.

I hope you felt some relief when you cried - you mentioned that you hope more will keep unlocking, and I hope so too - and that it's in a way you can manage and cope with.  Sending you a supportive hug, if that's ok 
Hope 

[rainydiary]

Buddy & Hope - thank you for your support and understanding.  Despite my "aha" I feel like it is going to take some time to integrate and I don't feel as clear as I did the other day.   

I was reflecting today that another piece of this is that I didn't want to move to my husband's hometown all that time ago and I did it anyways.  I liked where I was living at the time and could have gone to grad school there.  I made the choice because I wanted to continue my relationship with him and it seemed like our relationship would fail if we stayed where we were.  I see now that I was being over accommodating of my husband (he wasn't my husband then).  I also see that I didn't give him a chance to not go home.  I already knew it was his pattern - branch out to something not done by someone in his family, fail, have his parents jump in to "save the day," and move back home.  My lack of honesty with him and with myself created a whole new series of traumatic experiences for me (and likely for him as well).  I've been focused on my childhood trauma that I haven't even really dealt with trauma experienced at other times, including in college and with my relationship to my husband. 

I officially started back to work today and am exhausted.  I would say I can feel a difference in myself in how I approached my colleagues.  I was more confident and connected with them.  I do have one coworker that triggered me back in March and we have not repaired our working relationship.  She did not acknowledge my presence today but I also did not initiate.  I imagine we will find a place of "good enough" and today I just didn't have it in me to go there.  It is going to take time but it still hurts. 

I appreciate the understanding and support.  It is helping me. 

[rainydiary]

I'm also just remembering that I had a dream about a person I knew a long time ago.  When this person is in my dreams it is comforting.  They were someone (a classmate) that truly accepted me for myself when I was growing up.  They saw me and heard me.  They were someone deep down I wanted a more intimate relationship with but could not handle it at that time.  A part of me has held onto them since that time.  I feel incredibly foolish for it.  We have stayed in touch over the years through social media and it seems like we would not have been a good match.  Yet there is a part of me that wonders, "What if I had been able to be open to them when I was younger?  Would I have started healing sooner?"  I feel embarrassed about this part of myself. 

I have noticed over the past few days that something happens in the morning and I "forget" about it until later as I am processing the day.  I am still not in a place where I am acknowledging the impact on me and I push ahead in my day while not realizing "hey this is affecting me." 

[rainydiary]

I recently was listening to a song called Creve Coeur by Hobo Johnson and it includes the line: "She holds her breath all day and f@&$ing gasps for air at night."  This mine spoke to me as I think about how my days go.  I'm often more okay during the mornings and then as the day goes on and I get tired I feel like I am gasping.  I then see how I've been "holding my breath" all day.

I am noticing how my IC is trying to use progress I've made in healing against me.  I am working to not avoid dealing with certain types of interactions at work.  But I have been avoiding responding to an email from a person I don't know whose email triggered me.  I thought my colleagues were going to coordinate a response but I don't know.  The person that sent the email is getting more persistent and started calling us now.  I wish this wasn't what I am thinking about on a Saturday but it is.  I am doing my best which this random person doesn't know. 

[marta1234]

  I'm sorry you're struggling so much lately, sending a gentle hug of support your way. I know the feeling, and I've pictured myself doing the same thing as you described "holding my breath all day and gasping for air at night".
Tw: mention of dro*ning
Although I add the fact that I'm drowning and trying to stay afloat. Somehow the water adds the pain and struggles of living with cptsd everyday.
I admire your strength and courage to delve into your emotions and thoughts everyday. I just wanted to send you much love to you and your parts, for all the work you've been doing on yourself and just because you deserve so much love ( i hope I phrased that right, I'm trying to not be triggering...). 

[rainydiary]

Marta, thank you for your thoughts.  I would also add water to my experience.  Your message was well received and not all triggering to me.   

Today my husband and I visited a local coffee shop that has a mission we value (supporting vocational development and hiring neurodiverse people to work at their shop).  It was a nice "break" from the pandemic.  Before going I also had a nice conversation with a friend and it was uplifting to talk to her.

When we came home I watched a professional development talk that triggered me quite a bit.  It was triggering for me because it highlighted ways I have unintentionally made mistakes in my work.  These mistakes relate to biases I naturally hold as well as to the way I was trained - I'm glad to know a different and more responsive way to work but it does hurt to see how I contributed to toxic approaches. 

Making mistakes is inherently triggering for me as I was almost always punished for mistakes growing up.  I also am reflecting on my work from last November on.  I am seeing areas where because I was so unwell mentally I made a ton of errors.  I honestly was not doing my best work.  I was trying really hard but I missed things that seem so obvious now and my IC is trying to make me feel terrible for it.  I am afraid of there being consequences and I think my brain is getting carried away with what those consequences would be. 

With some rest and courage I know I will move forward to face these things.  I often wish I would be rescued from my trauma and my brain. 

[rainydiary]

Also just want to say how badly I want to break up with my in-laws on social media.  I hate how I post something vulnerable and they always feel the need to like it.  What it does is makes me mad.  It makes me think how phony they are.  I don't need their support.  There would be drama if I ended our "friendship" but it seems like it would be worth the peace of mind.  I will see.

I had something else I had thought of saying but I can't remember what it is.  I hope I can get some sleep tonight. 

[rainydiary]

My second day back to work is complete.  I am exhausted. 

I am realizing that I haven't really calmed down or settled down for several days now.  My hypervigilance tends to kick into overdrive at the start of a school year.  This hypervigilance feels different than my usual.  Usually I am avoiding a lot and use being busy to hide.  I am doing that a little bit now with some situations.  I find it much easier to be "ok" with people who are direct and open with me. 

I hope to be able to settle soon.  I can't sustain this high level.

[rainydiary]

I think I am slowly adjusting to being back at work.  It is exhausting though and it feels like so many things happening at once.  I feel like making a list:

1. I feel farther away from my husband as we now see each other less - I have been going to bed and getting up early so our time together has gone down

2. I feel worry that my husband works remotely and doesn't others in real life very often - my worry is based on him saying it is my fault this is the case in heated arguments and that his weird relationship to his mom and sister will fill the void

3. My mom told me my dad had a co-worker test positive for COVID - I am still navigating my relationship to my parents after recognizing their past behaviors as abuse and question if they would even tell me if they actually were feeling sick

4. I have been triggered a few times at work and have so far managed those moments - I am still feeling more hypervigilance overall and it is making me doubt if I actually am managing as well as I feel like I am

5. I unintentionally missed a credit card payment which has never happened to me before and my IC is freaking out even though I paid the bill

6. I still don't always behave like an adult - I often hold back on doing things I want such as buying a new vehicle because I don't feel like I can

7.  I blocked my MIL on one social media platform and boy did that feel good

Overall I am afraid of things falling apart.  I don't want to deal with my in-laws or my parents as they get older.  I don't want to deal with inevitable drama that will come up as the holidays approach.  I want my husband to learn to deal with his trauma.  I want to feel like my husband chooses to be my partner first rather than putting me after being a son and sibling. 

I get so uneasy this time of year because so many difficult moments in my relationship to my husband have occurred from around now  through December.  I get all primed for something terrible to happen.  I am just so tired of always feeling ready for danger.  I think that is why I don't want to engage with family stuff - I am finally coming into my own and feel like they would try to take it away.

[buddy9832]

Hi rainy, I don't have much to say at the moment other than I've read all of your posts and I hear you. I can sympathize on just about all the things you discussed.

I hope this year turns out better and you find your actually managing/healing more than last year.