Rainy Journal

[rainydiary]

Thank you Buddy - I appreciate the words.

I spoke with my friend at work today and I ended up crying based on our conversation.  I shared something deeply personal that I wish I hadn't said out loud.  Her response really hurt. 

It's interesting how I notice myself making more connections but the people I feel closest to are hurting me the most. 

I am going to go run and see if exercise helps. 

[buddy9832]

That's tough rainy I'm sorry to hear that. I can appreciate how much that must hurt and how vulnerable you must feel.

I think that's why outside of here and my wife I have a hard time sharing my story. For fear of rejection. 

[rainydiary]

Thanks Buddy.  It is tricky to share with others.  This friend has been helpful on my journey but she also has her own stuff going on.  I think there are some things I just shouldn't talk to her about anymore.  I wish I didn't have to learn things the hard way....

I have been having really intense dreams.  This often happens when I start a new school year.  I think it also relates to healing and trying out new ways of being that make me feel good.  I hope the dreams loosen up soon because they make me feel less rested and I wake up hypervigilant. 

My brain has been too full of work things and just getting through each day to process much else.  I feel lonely right now.  This journey feels lonely a lot of the time.

[rainydiary]

I've noticed that my intense dreams are occurring in the last hour/hour and a half of my sleep.  I woke up this morning about two hours before my alarm and went back to sleep.  I woke up from an intense place.  I can't remember what the dream was about. I had to remind myself that I am safe.

Someone posted a question to a group I am in on Facebook and the question helped me realize how far I have come.  It also reminded me that for a long time my CPTSD hid behind other labels I use to describe my identity.  And now that I understand I am a trauma survivor those labels don't feel the same.

I heard a quote today from Judy Heumann that said "Independent living is not doing things by yourself. It is being in control of how things are done."   I heard this quote on a podcast that also made the point that we are interdependent and need other people. I struggle with this.

I struggle with because the people that brought me into the world weren't able to care for me in the way I or my siblings needed and that left me with all these wounds and gaps and loneliness.  These people are now reaching out because someone my dad works with someone that tested positive for COVID.  My parents will be going to be tested soon.  They haven't shown any illness but I don't know if they would even tell me if they did.  And what I am I supposed to do about it?  I have empathy for them but I also feel like I need a boundary.  Why couldn't they have figured out a healthier way to cope when I was growing up?  Their abuse lasted well into my 30s.  A short 5 years ago when my grandfather was dying I went to visit and I'm sure my dad was stressed.  But that is no excuse for him losing his cool with me while he was driving and calling me names and telling me I had no right to stand up to my mother who was stirring the pot like she does.  I could feel his anger and his violence.  I could feel how much he wanted to hurt me simply for me being human.  And then my mom has the audacity to tell me he didn't mean it and I had the audacity to say "I deserved it." And now I am supposed to want to be a part of their COVID scare? 

I am struggling with how my wounds led me to marry a person enmeshed with his family.  He talks to his sister (who has a baby but does not have a job and lives with her parents) several times a day.  I find the whole situation so off and odd.  Not only that he is emotionally unavailable almost all the time.  I knew this about him since the beginning of our relationship but it feels different now.  I don't know how to deal with this now.  Before I didn't notice as much.  But now when he tells me all he wants to do is quit his job, I wonder what other unspoken things are going on in his mind.  Relationship advice seems to assume someone capable of having a conversation.  He avoids any difficult conversation and then because I feel unheard when trying to have difficult conversations, things end up in a big fight that has long lasting damage.  I cannot forget him telling me he hates where he live, that he needs to be closer to his family (but that even 8 hours away is too far), and that he only lives where we do because I want to.  He hasn't tried to make where we are a home.  He compares it to his hometown which it is not like at all.

I am trying to ask myself what I really want.  What do I actually want versus what have I said I want to make other people happy?  I am still working through that.  I know that I want a partner.  The partner I have is part of the reason I am where I am now.  And yet the power of his enmeshment is so strong.  It scares me to death.  I recently heard someone say "You cannot take my healing from me" and I am afraid they will try.  I don't want to let them and yet don't know how to stay away when my husband feels like he needs them in his life.  I was reflecting how often when he has a problem he is still going to them first.  I am his wife and I am the person he seems to want to share with least. 

In January, I promised myself that I would give things at least a year as grief and traumatic events take time to integrate.  I'm not sure where I'll be in a year.  Maybe finally moving to the city of my dreams like I wanted to when I was 22.  Maybe staying where I am because I finally have a job where I am finding success.  I want to feel less alone and like the person I live with cares. 

[marta1234]

When I read this, I wished I could envelop you in such a big hug because I know you need and deserve it.
Sending you much love and support, Rainydiary❤️

[rainydiary]

Thank you Marta.  It seems I am getting deeper into some wounds and these ones are big.  I'm not exactly sure what to do right now.  My mind is telling me a lot of "shoulds." 

[rainydiary]

I finished my first full week of work.  Overall I felt like I managed well.  I didn't come home with any headaches like I have in the past.  I will be interested to see how that goes when I actually am working with students and talking to parents. 

My husband and I talked a bit more today.  His job is burning him out which I can understand.  It hurts me that doesn't realize he can tell me that without a lot of prodding and pulling.  His relationship to his family continues to eat at me.  I wish he would stop talking to them so much.  In my mind they hurt him more than anything else.  Next week is his birthday and given the big weird deal his family makes out of birthdays I imagine they are giving him a really hard time for not being at "home" (because our home together is not really home) for it. 

This week I've also been really reflecting on some "norms" in our life.  If I didn't say, "good morning," "I'm going to work," and "I'm home from work," we could go over 12 hours without talking.  He doesn't greet me in the mornings, he doesn't seem to care when I leave for work, and he doesn't say anything when I come home.  We can also sit in the same room and not speak for hours.  I used to think this was only about being 2 introverts. 

But then I reflect on time I've spent with his family.  They don't talk to each other at all.  Except for when someone else needs something.  All the pressure for family time and togetherness is just to have everyone sit in the same room.  None of them really have a strong identity without the rest.  They need that time together to feel like people and to regulate themselves.   I don't think the way he communicates is only about introversion.  It is something else.  From my experience his family's lack of boundaries also doesn't help.

I can tell him what I need but I don't know if he will become more communicative.  I also reflect that while I get upset when he doesn't tell me things, I see that I don't always feel comfortable telling him things.  It's hard for me to say things and to get no response.  I also don't know how much of what I say gets shared with his enmeshed family. 

I hope to have some quiet time this weekend. 

[rainydiary]

Today was the first day I had a moment of being fully present for the first time in a while.  I cried a bit, not fully sure about what.

I am realizing that my husband's low mood is triggering me.  It is triggering childhood experiences as well as difficult experiences we've had together.  I will have to wait to see how this unfolds to see if he handles this stress differently than the past.  I will have to explore how to take care of myself and not get stuck in trying to handle his stuff myself. 

[rainydiary]

I woke up from weird, bad dreams.  I am also feeling annoyed and frustrated at my persistent muscle tension.  I am realizing how it makes sense my muscles are tight - I held on inside for a long time.  I feel annoyed and frustrated because it seems like they "should" loosen somewhat with all the work I am doing.  I am stuck in the shoulds but mostly want to feel more comfortable without such tight muscles. 

[rainydiary]

Ironically my bad dreams last night (the ones I remember) were about my husband.  In my dream he told me things he hadn't been telling me in the worst possible ways.  I have this narrative about him that he doesn't tell me the truth until it blows up somehow and then feels worse. 

Today he shared how much he is struggling in his job and wants to have a new job.  Of course the way he said it is "If they don't do this, I am quitting this week." 

I obviously don't want him to be in a job that makes him miserable.  But this whole situation is so triggering because of past experiences when he has been in a job he didn't like. 

The last time this happened was about 7 years ago.  We made a quick move to a new city (leaving his hometown.  He went out a month before me and instead of telling me he wasn't happy before I got there, he kept quiet.  So I was the last to find out that he was miserable.  I found out because his parents showed up "to figure out what to do".  Then proceeded the worst three months of my life up to that point that ended with us having a serious car wreck.  If there can be a positive side of a car wreck the only physical damage was done to our car but I got to add more to my trauma and CPTSD bank.  We then moved back to his hometown and then I had the loneliest year of my life up to that point. 

He's worked for the same company for the past 5+ years.  I completely understand if he wants a new job and he has supported me in changing jobs.  But this whole situation makes me wonder how much his parents are talking in his ear just telling him to quit.  They have no problem living in debt and having no financial plan.  They also like to encourage their kids to make poor decisions so they can come in and be saviors.  It is all annoying and disgusting and I am sick of it. 

I will say that despite having the worry that his parents are egging him on, I didn't bring that up.  I feel like I handled the initial conversation well and he seemed a bit relieved after we talked.  I thought about what he said to me for several hours.  I realized that I am triggered.  I asked to talk to him more about this.  I said that I think he should have another job lined up before quitting.  He got short with me but I think I heard what I said.

We are in a pandemic and just because he thinks he could get a job with a place in his network does not mean he actually will.  I am sick and tired of him not recognizing the role his parents play in making things a mess, them trying to call the shots, and our collective well-being is not being considered.  I guess we will see how we move through this.  I am grateful that I am at least responding differently and trying to help us not make the same mistakes.  I can't guarantee my husband will act differently but I am trying. 

[buddy9832]

 

Rainy, I've been away for a while but I've caught up on all of your posts. I'm sorry to hear what you are dealing with. That's got to be overwhelming. You certainly don't deserve it. I can also think about my previous experiences and how those were fairly similar to your husband. I can imagine the pain and hurt you must feel as I can recall when coming out of my own fogginess realizing the pain and hurt I inflicted on my wife.

That's not to say that is ok. I hope your husband will be able to find healthier means to navigate life, use you as a sounding board and heal. At a minimum it's what you deserve for your own healing.

[rainydiary]

Buddy - I appreciate your message and perspective and support.  I am bothered by how worked up I get about something and the next day I'm like "meh."  Emotions are so tricky with how up and down they are.  Today my husband and I seem to have less tension between us.  I'm not sure how to adjust my thinking and perspective with him.  It makes me feel like a bad wife.  I have always felt that if our relationship would end he would be the one to end it.  I'm afraid that what I am saying is that I want to end it with all the things I say and think.  Deep down that doesn't feel right - but I don't really feel clear on what I want right now.  Everything feels so confused. 

I spoke with a friend last night about my worries.  I am finding it difficult to maintain relationships with friends because they don't get CPTSD.  She fixates on how I sound anxious.  For me it is so much more than anxiety.  So then I get frustrated with her and pull back.  I can see how she was supporting me the best she could - no one has all the answers.  But now I will hold back for a while because it is hard to open up and feel so misunderstood. 

I did not sleep well.  I think it was for a lot of reasons but it made today feel weird.  I don't feel heard or seen at work.  I feel like I could not show up and no one would really notice.  I don't think that is actually true and I think I am more appreciated than my brain allows me to see or can accept.  It's mostly just sad to be at work in general.  At least my school is taking COVID seriously but it all feels for nothing because I don't see how illness can be avoided. 

I hope a better night of sleep helps.  I hope my brain will give me a break and not give me so many crazy dreams.  I hope that I figure out what it is I am seeking. 

[rainydiary]

Today a student shared something that triggered me a bit.  I first felt sad by their comments because the comments reflected lack of acceptance of themselves.  I also thought how they didn't want to talk to me on video calls earlier this year and I wondered today if it was because they couldn't have privacy in their home.  Later I realized that I was triggered.  I know this because I wanted to talk to people about what happened, I wanted to feel like I could help this student, and I am still thinking about it.  I posted a question related to the experience on a Facebook group and got some good help from that group. 

I think I experienced almost all the emotions today.  Now I am drained.  I get to work from home tomorrow.  That may help. 

[rainydiary]

Life stress and my CPTSD are getting to me today.  It is my husband's birthday.  I have seen the pressure his family is putting on him about this day and I get so upset.  They can't just leave him be.

I am worn out but am having trouble calming down.  It feels so complicated that I feel like I use good self care techniques but they don't feel like they work. 

[marta1234]

  I feel you Rainydiary, about the birthdays and everything else. Such a struggle for me too.
I'm sorry you're unable to calm and relax when you use good self care techniques, I always battle with them not working and then being afraid that they won't work. Sending you a hug and a nice cooling blanket for comfort (I'm assuming it's hot, might be wrong...)