Rainy Journal

Started by rainydiary, June 05, 2020, 01:44:38 AM

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Snowdrop

#15
I think you're right, there's a lot of fear about right now. Anger too. I'm sorry you hit a wall after having such an enjoyable day. I hope you feel better today. Sending you a hug of support if that feels welcome. :hug:

rainydiary

Today I noticed myself begin to experience an EF.  It began with a remembrance of a difficult event in November of last year that I didn't really cope with at the time.  I referred to Pete Walker's list of managing EFs and began working my way through both dealing with some of what I couldn't deal with in November.  I was also struck by one of the items on Pete's list of considering where the EF was taking me back to.  I was going back to being a 6 year old, on the verge of moving to a new place, crying alone with no comfort as my brain realized I would never see my friend again and had no idea or understanding what was coming as my family moved.  I think my brain has more associations too that I don't have memory of as I know my family moved frequently when I was a toddler given my parents' employment status.  I was able to grieve some today and work through the EF.  I have more work to do but appreciate having Pete's book as a guide. 

rainydiary

A lot has been coming up for me recently and I feel so exhausted.  I am exhausted by myself and other people.  I am exhausted by revisiting my past.  I had taken a break from being as active in my recovery to deal with work. I felt ready to take more steps on my journey and now just feel fatigued.  I am especially focusing on my inner and outer critic (I even gave them names so I could dialogue with them).  I am realizing how much tension I carry in my body given my hypervigilance.  That is also exhausting.  I've also been really bothered by memories of events with my in-laws.  I often just want to leave it all behind and start fresh. 

I've been grieving for my younger self in her decision of where to go to college and what to do after college.  I am grieving because I ended up choosing paths that weren't what I really wanted and were "guided" by what I thought would gain my parents' approval.  I am grieving that I didn't see what they were doing and I am sad for being pushed into things when their approval could not be earned.  I am grieving for ignoring dreams I had simply because they put poison into those ideas.

I want to be believe that my life could have been different if I had learned to listen to myself sooner.  I understand that I would still have had pain and difficulty to overcome.  I don't understand why things have gone the way they have and it hurts. 

rainydiary

My H and I will be going camping tomorrow for the weekend.  I realize that I am extremely anxious about leaving home for several days.  I don't really like leaving my house for overnight trips.  I become anxious about all the things that could go wrong.  In general right now I am extremely anxious something bad will happen.

I've been upset by interactions with a coworker.  As I was reflecting I realized that things this person did made me angry.  Yet my response to that anger was to push it down and not name it as anger.  I realized that I don't really know how to feel angry.  I looked up "how to feel angry" and found a blog post that got me started.  I think the part that is hardest for me is that I can't go back and change my original response. I can move forward and practice.  But right now that doesn't feel like enough.

Overall today I felt incredibly alone.  I have a job that brings me meaning but COVID is changing everything and my inner critic is telling me I won't be able to handle what comes my way.  I've been doing my best to experience and feel as things come up instead of pushing them away or down like I usually do.  But as a result I feel run down each day. 

Snowdrop

QuoteAs I was reflecting I realized that things this person did made me angry.  Yet my response to that anger was to push it down and not name it as anger.  I realized that I don't really know how to feel angry.

I was like this too. I wasn't allowed to be angry when I was growing up, so I learned to push it down. Unfortunately this meant that the anger became directed inwards at me. You're definitely not alone with this.

rainydiary

I woke up today with a huge sense of anxiety.  I was having terrible dreams that I don't remember.  My H and I will be leaving home overnight to go camping.  All I can think about is how something terrible might happen.  There has always been a risk in leaving home which feels greater now during the pandemic.  I don't understand what this hypervigilance is about - feeling a sense of dread when leaving home for an overnight trip predates the pandemic but it feels so much worse right now.  All the worst moments of my life are coming back to me.  I tell myself that I "saw" those moments coming because I always had "feelings."  I now understand I've been hypervigilant and thus because I am always on the alert for something bad to happen when it does my brain thinks "I was right." 

I tried telling my H about my anxiety but he doesn't really get it.  This trip is about him feeling bored at home - I am fine with staying here.  Also struggling with how I show up in my marriage - my H has his own stuff and we have often related to each other in unhealthy ways.  I think we have made a lot of growth but still have a ways to go.  My experience is that we only do things he is comfortable with since I don't have a strong identity.  But then I experience a lot of pain when I continue the pattern of doing things I don't want to do to keep the "peace."  Where is the line between doing things to experience life and doing things for other people?

We are traveling to a place that usually brings me great comfort.  I hope that once we are on the road that I will be able to enjoy. 

Not Alone

It is difficult that this trip is causing you so much anxiety. I hope once you are there your anxiety decreases and you are able to enjoy your time. Regardless, we will be here to listen if you want to process when you return (or during if you have internet access).

rainydiary

Thank you Notalone for the supportive message.

The trip went well and my anxiety was not really necessary.  I am not entirely sure where this anxiety before trips is coming from - it may have many sources and as I get older and know of more tough things that can happen, perhaps I feel more of a sense of dread.  I will say that last night my H and I witnessed a huge train of emergency response vehicles congregating near a river - I can only speculate what happened but it did  fill me with grief.  Someone or some people had a terrible day and I hope that they make it through ok.

On my trip (camping) I was able to observe many families given the proximity of the camp sites.  Many children had meltdowns and I was struck by how responsive their parents were.  If that had been me growing up there would have been a much different, unhelpful response from my parents.  I suppose as I reparent I can consider the models of families I see. 

I had my own adult meltdowns while camping.  My H and I have come a long way together but he has a tendency to use his OC and a tone of voice (that I know he learned from his family) when he is under pressure/frustrated that really sends me into my 4Fs.  I didn't manage all of those moments as well as I had hoped I would, so my IC jumped in a bit.  I would say the change now is that I more likely to tell my H when I am upset by our interactions and we are able to dialogue more about it.  I also see that he is trying really hard and has his own longstanding habits. 

Today I had a moment I feel especially rotten about.  My H and I had a mishap in a drive thru and got some dirty stares from other people as we went away.  I was struck with how tough we can be on each other when we don't have the full story - the outer critic is out there in everyone at least a bit.  Then not too long after, my H and I were taking a break in a garden and I overheard this father instructing his children.  His tone and the words he was using rubbed me the wrong way and I see now put me in a mini EF.  I made a comment out loud to my H that I thought the father was being a jerk.  I am worried the father might have overheard me and given my negative experiences with people jumping to conclusions earlier in the day, I felt bad this happened.  My OC comes out a lot when I am tired and uncomfortable as I was after a weekend of mostly positive but still out of routine experiences. 

I am more aware which feels good and bad.  I don't always catch my EFs and I worry my IC is really acting up because I am on to it. 

rainydiary

After visiting a beloved place over the weekend, I am struck by how different the world feels.  There are changes because of the pandemic as well as changes within me.  I feel a sense of grief for what feels lost.  Change is always present but so much has changed so fast it feels like too much right now. 

Yesterday I sent my father a message for Father's Day.  His past behavior still hurts me to this day.  In a response back to me he said he is proud of the human I am.  I am learning to accept compliments but it is hard to accept his.  With an adult mind, I can see how abusive and neglectful behaviors were passed down in my family.  My particular branch of family are the ones who made different decisions from the rest of their family - left hometowns, began careers very different from their relatives.  I have always been proud of that aspect of us.  But there is a generational hurt passed along because we lacked the ability to manage the trauma that resulted from poor parenting that resulted from hurt people.  I have really been struggling with the word family and what it means.  I think the idea of family of origin and family of choice are concepts that resonate with me.  I prefer to be on my own or with a trusted other person, so the concept of family in general just makes me feel like I am odd and an abnormality - I just want to do my own thing. 

rainydiary

As today has gone on, I've been feeling more unwell physically.  I think I may have caught a cold while camping.  No other symptoms, feels like a cold.  Part of me is really mad at myself for going - I didn't want to and went anyways putting myself at risk during a pandemic.  Darker emotions are creeping up and I realize I might going into an EF.   

My H wants to do more camping.  We already have two more trips planned.  I told him I'm not doing more than what we already talked about which he is honoring.  He is always hesitant to do things without me which is how I've often been talked into doing things I wouldn't care to do.  Right now all the nasty thoughts I have about my H and by extension his family are coming up.  I have made strides to grow and it annoys me that he won't do the same.  When we lived in his hometown he always did his own thing and I was left alone.  I hated living there because his family lacks boundaries and it felt like my H was just continuing his life with his friends and family with me as nothing more than a roommate. 

It seems that I would not be where I am and achieved the growth I have if I had not met my H.  Yet sometimes I am so frustrated at myself for having found a partner with their own unhealthy patterns.  I see him growing and trying but it is all so complicated.  I just want to be left alone.  I don't get bored in the same way he does.  We had just been getting a better place of managing this when the pandemic hit and has made the ways we can meet our individual needs more challenging. 

I will say that he isn't trying to talk to me into going like he would have in the past.  I think that what is hard is this wakes my old self of wanting to please everyone else without regard for my needs.  I don't want to feel responsible for another adult the way I often do with my H.  If I knew the things I know now 10 years I would have made very different choices.  That also makes me sad.  We have to make a choice which excludes other paths. 


rainydiary

Really stuck in my head today about work.  My IC is both criticizing me for thinking about work (I'm off for the summer as I work in a school) and for not being able to handle some situations better. 

I generally don't feel heard or treated with respect at my job.  I do have a few people that hear me out and that I trust.  Yet, these people generally aren't ones that I interact with for the ins and outs of my job.  I have tried to speak up and have felt shot down. 

In working with students, I am able to be my best self and be understanding of them.  Yet I am not able to extend that same understanding to adults.  I believe I need to get better at having difficult conversations with the adults in my students' lives.  I don't really understand where my road block is with that.  Is it because they remind me of my parents and how I was powerless against them?  Is it because my OC rules when I am at work?  I don't know. 

I am debating how to have a conversation with someone in leadership.  She previously has heard me out but hasn't been too helpful from my perspective.  I think that before I wasn't very clear with her on what I needed.  I have more insight into what I need but also feel like I would disclose some personal things to her.  I don't know it would go and since it is a work relationship I feel hesitant to be too open. 

rainydiary

Last night I cried a great deal before bed.  The book I am reading included a moment where the main character had a truth about them self sprung on them suddenly.  It was a truth that they had a feeling about for a long time but couldn't name until that moment.  This resonated so deeply with me.  I recognized some of the big events in my childhood as traumatic...but I didn't see the underlying abuse and neglect.  I am sad at how my brain has been crafted in response to this trauma.  I am working on it, but have a long ways to go. 

Not Alone

Just want you to know that I've read your journal and you are heard.

rainydiary

Thank you Notalone!

Today I am reflecting on how tangled up my brain is.  Can I trust my own reactions or impressions of experience?  Or is the trauma speaking? 

I am wanting to assert myself more and use my voice more and be heard more.  I'm reflecting that this isn't so I will always get my way and things will always be easy for me but so that I can have a real conversation with others so that we can come to a consensus. 

I do feel confident in saying no if that is really my stance.  But there is so much gray area.  Minds change.  Hearts change.  Context and circumstances change.  I am so afraid of continuing to be drowned out, steam rolled, and not heard.  I am sad to say this but I know from this place of silence that I can withstand.  I have been strong for a long time.  Speaking up is a different kind of strength I'm afraid I won't develop. 

rainydiary

Trying to sort out an experience I had over the last 24 hours or so.  I had an interaction yesterday where I tried to assert myself and ended up "giving in" to the other person.  In the moment, of giving in I had tried to take the other person's perspective and decided that I could live with what they were asking for one day.  But as the day went on, I started to feel manipulated.  After I had asserted my boundary, the other person placed guilt on me.  I began to wonder if I "gave in" because I was trying to be a good member of the relationship or because I let guilt in. 

After that time my IC and OC have been in overdrive.  I ran 10 miles this morning and spent the whole time in a place of that I wanted to call rage as my critics argued.  All morning and most of the afternoon I could not shake my feelings.  I have learned in these moments to do yoga (specifically Yoga with Adrienne).  During her class, I finally said "I am angry" and slammed my hands on the ground and kicked my feet.  It felt like a tantrum but I would say that my anger response was probably shut down around the age that tantrums were normal.

After that moment, I realized that I had not consciously acknowledged my anger at both myself as well as this other person.  I went into a habitual mode of pushing my anger down.  By doing so, I think I triggered an EF which I am just now coming out of.

Learning to be human in a different way is so painful.  I question myself and want progress yesterday.  I am discouraged to have this brain and to feel like this journey won't end.  I am hard on myself because in many situations I am not seeing what is happening until after the fact.  I think the current growth is that the gap between these events is starting to get smaller.  I have small moments of success.  This will be a long gradual process that will always be a work in progress.