Rainy Journal

[rainydiary]

My hips have been incredibly sore today.  At first I thought it was from my exercise this week but began to observe and noticed that the discomfort was actually from memories wanting to come out. 

The discomfort in my hips brought up:

A memory of a classmate who always sat alone at lunch.  I wanted to go sit by that person but never did.  I was being bullied by other students at that time and didn't want to bring more attention on myself.  I don't think I have ever acknowledged that I was bullied in middle school. 

A realization for how deeply I cared for a friend in high school and wish I had had the courage to explore a more intimate relationship with him.  We are still friends and I admire him deeply. 

An acknowledgment that deep down I feel like no one likes me and that I don't think I will ever get over that feeling. 

These things came up doing a trauma response activity in an app I have.  These all speak to my experience growing up of feeling unheard, unseen, and unsafe.  I didn't feel safe to be myself because whenever I tried I was shut down. 

I haven't really explored my inner adolescent.  I think there are a lot of unmet needs there that feel more difficult for me to face for some reason. 

[sanmagic7]

always amazing to me what our bodies hold for us until we're in a place where we can consciously deal with it.  i feel a lot of compassion for my back and muscles - they hold so much pain i haven't even acknowledged yet.  i'm glad for you that you were able to dig deep and understand what your hips were really telling you.

well done, rainy

thanks for sharing - it helped me make a positive connection w/ my own body.  love and hugs

[rainydiary]

San, I'm glad you were found connections to your body as well.  My hips continue to be speaking and I would like to share.

My hips began to feel the discomfort this morning when I heard my husband talking to his sister and niece.  I also did a meditation practice that reflected on shame.  I don't think I fully acknowledge the role of shame in my thinking and being. 

What is coming up from my hips today;

Deep shame around sex - my initial sexual encounters are best described as sexual assault.  I haven't ever talked to anyone about that including my husband.  I didn't define these encounters as such for a long time because the partners were people I knew, I felt like I had put myself in the position to be take advantage of, and alcohol was involved so I wasn't in the best place to make informed decisions. 

Deep shame around how my relationship with my husband began.  I keep wondering if I had felt more whole as a person if I would have put up with some of the things that happened. 

General shame about my body.  In an effort to keep me "safe" my father in particular scared the crap out of me as it related to "what boys want" so I have always felt shame over my body.  I dressed in unflattering ways and kept my distance from guys until I didn't which led to those not truly consensual sexual encounters that added layers to my trauma.

I hope to explore my shame some more but it is feeling pretty tough. 

[Sceal]

Hello rainydiary,

Exploring your shame is a really hard thing to do. It requires brute strength and guts to do it. I think, from what you're describing, that you're doing really well figuring out where your shame belongs, and hopefully in time you'll be able to place the shame where it should be. On your father, and on those people who didn't ask for your consent.
Alcohol or not doesn't matter, it doesn't make you not consenting any less valuable. You are allowed to flirt, without also being allowed to say no. Your body, your rules.
I think that also applies to your history, if you don't want to tell your husband, that's for you alone to decide.

I think it is really nice that you managed to isolate where the shame sits in your body too. I've never even thought of that as a thing, but I think it is worth exploring too. Thank you for sharing that.

[rainydiary]

Sceal , thank you for your affirmations and thoughts.  I notice that since yesterday I feel like my emotions have "shut down" some.  I think I have much more exploring to do with this awareness.

Today has been odd.  It was hot, sunny, and around 95 degrees F yesterday and today it is dark, snowy and around 32 degrees F where I live.  I had super weird dreams last night but can't remember details.  It's also weird to start the work week on a Tuesday - I just feel behind. 

I continue to struggle with my "work parents," one in particular.  I asked her last week if she wanted me to set up a virtual meeting for students I would work with today.  She said yes.  This morning I have passive aggressive emails from her about how it's confusing I sent out a virtual meeting request because she did too and what do I think I want to do about it.  Clearly the answer is to use her meeting requests.  I told her I did what I thought we agreed on and got a "sorry" and an emoji.  Later in the day she sent me a text to tell a student would be late to my session and sent me another emoji.  She insisted on me meeting with our share students at the end of their school day (which is seriously the worst time because the kids are drained) and then kind of sabotages me.  It feels like the whole thing is a sabotage.   It's hard to describe how inappropriate the emojis were in the situations.  The emoji I wanted to send her was the one of a middle finger.

I am struggling with shame at work which is why I think this particular person gets under my skin so much.  She senses that in me and pushes on my sensitive spots.  I did send her and other people my philosophy on something related to my training that she is not approaching appropriately.  I am sure she won't acknowledge it but at least I put it out there and hopefully other people will. 

I am trying to make the best of my work situation but it stinks so much. 

[rainydiary]

I've been noticing over the past few days how I am not feeling much emotionally.  It is unnerving me especially after spending so many months (and years) of feeling so much. 

I will explore and see what comes up. 

[rainydiary]

I can tell there is something under the surface in me that wants to be heard and addressed but what exactly that is isn't coming up yet.

My husband left today for a short work trip.  It is the first time we've been apart overnight  in 6 months.  At first I felt extremely scared at how big the space felt without him here but now I am glad for some time to myself.  Right now I am having trouble knowing if my questions or challenges I have with my marriage are about him, me, or some combination. 

This hasn't been a great week.  Nothing particularly wrong just so much stress and unpleasantness at work as well as country and world stress.  Most interactions I have with others are so tense and unpleasant that I've felt incredibly alone and disconnected.  No wonder my emotions may be shutting down - I am overwhelmed.

There is always a part of me that just wants to walk away and go live by myself somewhere.  I don't feel like I have a place and that I don't belong.  I see value that I bring to the world yet it is so painful that I feel so out of place in it. 

[Not Alone]

Right now I am having trouble knowing if my questions or challenges I have with my marriage are about him, me, or some combination. 

I understand. I have had the same ongoing struggle. With help, I am understanding myself and him better. It is an ongoing process. As a friend used to say, "People are messy." I know it is hard. Really hard sometimes.

[rainydiary]

Thank you Notalone.  There are so many layers and levels I keep getting lost.  I am trying to be ok with not knowing all at once.

I am realizing how much power and/or control I gave over to my husband when I met him.  I didn't think on this at the time, but a part of me has always wanted to be rescued and I thought he would.  I pretty much stopped existing as an individual for much of our relationship.  I am adjusting that but this realization is making me sad. 

This week I was reflecting on touch and intimacy.  I realized that I didn't feel intimacy or the comfort of touch until I was in high school.  I hold on to a fantasy of a person I knew in high school simply because we shared a daily routine that was the most intimate interaction of my life at that point.  I think that because it was the first time I'd felt intimacy with someone else as a growing human that now as an adult I want it to have a lot of meaning.  I also was thinking about dances in high school and how overwhelmed I felt at the touch of partners when we danced.  I was starved for touch...and I still am.  Right my husband pretty much only touches me to initiate sex and it upsets me so much. 

I've always been hesitant with hugging other people and I've told myself this story that I am "not a hugger."  I think that story is wrong and false.  Touch now just overwhelms me and is often triggering.  I don't really understand what this is meaning to me right now. 

[rainydiary]

Right now I feel deep in grief. 

I had complicated dreams last night where all the feelings of not belonging and trying so hard but not getting it right were present. 

I cry at the sight of the words like "family" and "community."  I don't feel like I fit anywhere.  I feel out of step and awkward regardless of what I do.  I feel eternally alone.

I am so deeply sad that I feel this way.  Why was I born to people that couldn't love me or look after me in a healthy way?  I cannot move past the feeling that I am deeply flawed.

I don't want to ever see my in-laws again.  I can tolerate seeing my parents once every few years.  I don't feel capable of friendship.  I struggle to be a wife and to be married.  I want to push it all away because it hurts too much.  And I can't explain to people without CPTSD how it feels or receive understanding. 

I think I need to rest yet there is no rest from a brain changed by CPTSD.

[marta1234]

  we're here for you Rainydiary. We understand you and I hear you. Cptsd never goes away when healing from it. Sending you blanket to keep you safe (if it's ok) 

[rainydiary]

Marta, thank you.  I appreciate the comfort that you offered. 

It's taken me all day but I realize that I was having a sneaky EF earlier today (and likely was going in and out of it over the past week).  It was sneaky because it is presenting as "feeling sick" and feeling numb as opposed to some of the adrenaline pumping EFs I've been having the past few months.  I think this type of EF is more habitual for me and I wasn't naming it as an EF.

I have a lot of parent meetings coming up and I didn't catch how much that is bothering me.  It is partly having to talk to parents but also how my colleagues treat me during these meetings - I get triggered on many levels and it is exhausting.  I have 7 or 8 of these coming up in the next 3 weeks (and way more than that in the next several months).

I'm not entirely sure how to take care of myself yet given this aspect of my job.  One thing I am doing right now is writing down the dates I have these meetings in my journal so that I can remind myself they are coming up.  I hope to find some preventative and after care activities that will help me feel better.  I may need to add a task or reminder at work too so that I keep it in mind as I tend to go into overdrive at work and don't always attend to my emotional needs.

There are so many layers to this.  I hope that my dreams give me a break tonight. 

[sanmagic7]

just a comment on your shame around those sexual assaults - the shame belongs to the other individuals, not to you, dear rainy.  we may not always be in a place where we can make rational decisions, but you said these were not consensual.  therefore, you were assaulted/abused.  i'm sorry your hips hold that shame that belongs to someone else.  hopefully, as you continue in your recovery, they will be able to let it go and send it to whom it belongs.  the shame is not yours, not for a moment.

i've also made 'consensual' decisions, but i can realize now that my thinking was distorted by irrational beliefs, teachings, and grooming that put me in places where, if i had been taught to be my own person w/ my own sense of boundaries, i would not have consented.  and, i relate to what you said about feeling bad about my body, about being a sexual woman, also messages from my father.  it contorted so much of what i thought about myself - i, too, have worn baggy clothes most all my life because of fear of how i would be negatively judged in my family.

lots in common, at least on this front.  sending love and a hug filled with 'i get it - you're not alone'.  and, neither am i - thanks for sharing.

[owl25]

Being a part of a family and/or a community is so important. I think for most of us, that is part of the problem and the trauma, we didn't/don't have those things. I am getting glimpses of what it feels like to have as I am trying to build up some friendships, but it feels like a long road and a long way away. Those glimpses show me how important it is and no wonder we feel as bad as we do without it. We need those things like we need air. I am not sure what you can do to break out of your isolation, but any small steps toward it would be a win. I didn't try for ever so long and I wish I had sooner. On the other hand, I may not have been ready, I'm not quite sure. I do think it is a really important, critical component of healing. Easier said than done, I know. All in all to say, I hear and relate to your pain around that.

I hope you can find a way to make the parent teacher meetings a bit more manageable. Do you know what exactly triggers you with the other teachers? It's really good you are recognizing ahead of time how challenging those meetings are for you. It gives you a chance to try to prepare and to look after yourself as best as possible.

[rainydiary]

i've also made 'consensual' decisions, but i can realize now that my thinking was distorted by irrational beliefs, teachings, and grooming that put me in places where, if i had been taught to be my own person w/ my own sense of boundaries, i would not have consented.

San - this really captures something I've been thinking about too.  I am trying to find my individuality yet feeling really bad about things I have done because of the way I was raised.  I hope to make peace with this. 

Owl - thank you for what you said.  I agree about taking small steps.  I thought I had found some people but they have their own stuff going on and continuing friendship with them is hard as they find their way on their own healing journeys.  I will keep trying especially with the support of you all. 

I made myself a log where I can try to write down what things help and what I notice around these meetings.  Today I made it through the first one.  I think that my colleagues were the harder ones to deal with than the parent.  This particular parent really triggers me because I think they are abusive toward their child - it is the kind of abuse others wouldn't recognize as abuse.  My colleagues don't hear my ideas and push me into their way of thinking.  In this particular situation it isn't worth the battle.  If they want paperwork to reflect something, great - I will keep doing what my heart tells me is right.  I don't feel like my degree and expertise matter - there are some people that think they know everything and want to be in control. 

I am really struggling with my career today.  I have made the same amount of money for the past 10 years.  Education in the US feels designed to keep people from advancing and making more.  Money isn't everything but it is crazy how this works.  Plus my district is talking about the deficit they will be in next school year - it makes me wonder how safe my job is and why I try so hard when there are these forces bigger than myself at play.  I don't know what else I would do to earn money. 

My workplace is so negative right now it is difficult to show up.