Rainy Journal

[sanmagic7]

 

[owl25]

Not being heard and others taking control and not letting you have any influence is really triggering - I find that I struggle with that quite a bit, and it sounds like this is what's going on with your co-workers. They very clearly have their own issues that they likely aren't dealing with. It's really hard to be assertive and push back in situations like this.

Is there other work you can do in this field? Could you potentially become a tutor full time? I'm not sure what other related jobs might be available for teachers, but it might be worth trying to get creative around this.

[rainydiary]

Owl, I have thought about private practice.  That brings on a whole set of fears for me but it is something I've been exploring.

Today I had more challenging conversations.  I got an unexpected email from a parent whose communication style is very confrontational.  It triggered me a bit.  I also had a meeting where I shared information I really believe in but I know goes against the grain.  I just feel vulnerable for speaking up and have been tired since. 

I think I keep holding myself to a standard I can't live up to.  I still want to be perfect after so many years of thinking perfection would stop my parents from treating me the way they did.  I get so upset when I don't stand up for every injustice I see or when I make a mistake. 

I hope to sleep through the night tonight.  Tomorrow is Friday at least. 

[rainydiary]

I find myself in an unfamiliar emotional place this weekend.  I feel good.  I feel the effects of healing.  I have more perspective. 

I am realizing how rare it has been for me to feel good in my life.  I would like to explore that more this week - I think I could count on one hand times my life felt good.  That makes me sad and in this time of healing and recovery it makes me wonder how I will recognize and be able to live in a place of feeling good. 

This past week wasn't great in many ways yet I am noticing how more aware of myself I am.  I realize that Mondays, Tuesdays, Wednesdays are hardest for many reasons - they are my busiest days and include a lot of interactions.  Thursday and Friday are often days I feel completely drained.  I am wondering how I can take more care on Mondays, Tuesdays and Wednesdays. 

I also spoke with someone on Friday that validated an experience I am having.  I have a coworker who is a liar and manipulates situations.  This coworker has hurt me on a number of occasions and I cannot get any support because she is so sneaky that other people don't see this side of her.  The person I spoke to on Friday is aware of that situation as she has experienced it too and her saying to me "I believe you" has helped me take some of the pressure off of myself.  That coworker's lies and behavior are not at all about me - she probably sensed someone that she could push around and bully.  I hope that I can feel less reactive to this person in the future.

In general I am noticing I am less reactive to things that typically trigger me.  I am still being triggered but am able to catch it sooner than usual. 

There will continue to be ups and downs and I am sure I will find myself down again at some point.  Right now I hope to get acquainted with what it feels like to be up and to teach myself I deserve to feel good too. 

[sanmagic7]

having someone believe you makes all the difference, i've found.  love and hugs

[rainydiary]

Yes, San, it does. 

Today hit me hard as I expected but not in ways I expect.  I had two interactions with two different people that I finally processed fully and now am in tears over. 

I notice that in order to function at work, I keep pushing down some feelings and thoughts I have.  I put pressure on myself to not do that.  And yet, the way these folks talkers to me today is not ok.  I tried to assert myself and they push me over.  It feels like the more I grow and show them my strength the more they fight back.  Their behavior isn't nice and it hurts. 

I am going to start keeping a log on my personal account of moments like this.  Some of it is gaslighting and I would like a record. 

I tried advocating for myself with some administrators and worry I just ended up making it worse. 

So m triggers today are from the lack of success I've had with these colleagues in the past as well as the deep down feelings of what happens when I make a mistake.  I am waiting for it to all come down.  I wish these feelings wouldn't all come up before I go to bed.  I already had trouble sleeping last night. 

It's complicated to realize I can know these early days in the week will be especially hard but I rarely know what is actually going to make them hard. 

[rainydiary]

It's hard to put my experience into words today.  My day wasn't exactly bad but I experienced gaslighting and that is a trigger since it is emotional abuse. 

I try so hard to stand up for myself but feel like I just reenact my trauma.  I keep waiting for someone to tell me I'm bad and wrong - which silence and not acknowledging my experience often does communicate that to me.  I feel like my attempts to stand up for myself are awkward and off so then people just dismiss me. 

I am trying to learn to express positive needs but it is hard.  I feel so much anger and just want to scream and kick and hit.  I want the anger out of me.  But I don't believe I deserve to feel it.

I want a new job but am not sure how to change right now.  It is important to me learn from my current experience.  I promised myself I would give this particular job another year (by year I mean school year). 

My husband has been very supportive of late.  I want to tell him I notice but he is so non responsive to me doing stuff like that it isn't very motivating to tell him. 

I recently uncovered an aspect of our dynamic that I hope to explore more - in our relationship, he sees himself as the "good" one because his unhealthy family dynamic made him entitled to believe he is the best.  That certainly comes at a cost to him, but he has often approached my reactions as "bad" especially if they challenge his belief he is "good."  His parents, especially his mom, have often told him I'm bad.  This is all very hurtful. 

I'm trying to take it easy tonight. 

[sanmagic7]

 

[rainydiary]

Thank you for the hugs San.

I woke up this morning in an EF.  I wasn't afraid but ashamed and couldn't get out of my shame.  I read some excerpts from some books that have helped me a lot. 

While reading them I was reminded of how I am falling into an old habit of being perfect in order to avoid hurt and humiliation.  Yet it doesn't work because I make mistakes, still feel hurt and humiliated, and am triggered.  I go into my trauma response and feel abandoned. 

I am trying to believe that I am a light to those around me especially my students.  I can feel safe and experience my feelings so that I can keep helping them. 

After I thought of all this, my husband brought up how his parents want him to visit for the holidays.  This is the type of conversation that we typically avoid until it blows up in our faces.  We had a somewhat productive conversation.  I could tell my husband wasn't telling me all that he wanted and he let out some hurt about how I typically speak about his family.  His comments were hurtful yet not unjustified. 

I got to work and had a text message from him.  He apologized for speaking in a way that was hurtful.  This is the first genuine apology I have had from my husband in the course of our 12 years together.  On one hand that makes me deeply sad.  On the other it makes me incredibly happy because it reflects growth in him and in our relationship.  It means that what I am doing is helping and that I am on the right track. 

There is still much to be done but feeling a sense of relief today. 

[rainydiary]

I spent a great deal of time this afternoon and evening crying.  I don't know if I feel relief.  This week has been difficult and I feel terrible emotionally.  My work colleagues are being super icy toward me after I advocated for myself and it has gotten to me today. 

[Three Roses]

I'm sorry you're going thru this. Hang in there.   

[rainydiary]

TR - thank you for the hug and support.

Last night I mostly cried because a coworker shared that a new person in our building feels unwelcome.  I cried because I know that when I sit in the space with these people day in and day out, I absorb some of their toxicity.  I cried because I was worried I was hurtful to this person.  I sent her an email to say I appreciate what she is doing and to offer help.  She talked to me today and I think that we are ok. 

I think my school is on the verge of being closed again for COVID related things.  I may still have to be in our building to work directly with students with many disabilities.  I am upset about this on many levels.  I do want what is best for a student but our decision makers keep making all these caveated decisions that make it impossible for me to function.  Because I work with such a broad range of students whose schedules conflict it is impossible for me to keep up.  And that is without being a trauma survivor with CPTSD.  That adds a whole layer that people do not get.

I feel like I am screaming into the wind.  At work I feel like the hurt little girl that could not get her voice heard over people who act like they know everything to cover up their own pain and confusion.  I am in a place where I question my own sanity and experiences and I am calling myself bad.  I am punishing myself for all these "shoulds" - I should be able to handle this, I should be able to collaborate, I should be able to work with others.  And yet, my colleagues give me the cold shoulder, ignore my emails, and invalidate my experience.  I can't tell what is mine to take care of and what isn't.  I try to hold on to the experiences that prove that "shoulds" right - with people who act like adults and treat me with respect, I have success.  It is not my fault that there are 2 people who regularly treat me with respect.  The rest............

I am pretty sure I need to start finding a way out.  This isn't worth it.  I don't want to work with people that gaslight me.  I understand that we are all under a great deal of pressure but these behaviors were in place before COVID and now they are intensifying. 

I did yoga after work today and in that time realized the ways I haven't cared for myself this week.  I put so much pressure on myself to handle it all in the moment and not let things build up.....but I am a human and am having to reparent myself.

[marta1234]

  sending you much love and safety Rainydiary, I'm sorry your work environment is so toxic. Please take care of yourself ok? Sending you comfort and hugs

[rainydiary]

Thank you Marta, I will keep trying.

My husband and I had a conversation yesterday that I am trying to make meaning of.  It was a more direct and productive conversation than usual where we aired many challenges we are facing as a couple.  It feels like that should be a good thing and yet I find myself questioning.

I notice that my husband has difficulty accepting responsibility for his own actions.  He was raised as the prince of the home and he has a lot to live up in that role including being perfect and a saint.  He is quick to place blame for things at my feet - or at least that's how it feels to my brain.  In an effort to build our relationship our try to acknowledge his perspectives and share where I am coming from.

Yet I worry that I take too much blame on myself.  I am realizing that the only time I can relax is when I am by myself.  In the case of my husband (and most people, he is just on my mind right now) I am constantly assessing how he is doing and adjusting my behavior accordingly.  I thought I had stopped doing that but it is coming up again. 

I don't know how to break this pattern in myself and in our relationship.  It makes me sad to have a partner that does this and that I allow in many ways.  It makes me sad that I am celebrating the "adult" conversation we had for the first time in almost 12 years of being together.  It makes me sad to feel like I am growing only to get stuck in old patterns when another person is around.

[rainydiary]

I raised concerns about my work schedule over the past week.  Today I got an email from my evaluator to schedule a meeting with her and the principal. 

This is definitely a triggering thing for me.  Even though I have raised concerns and hope that the meeting will be space for me share those concerns, experience with the principal and administration at my school tells me this will be me being told how I am wrong and need to adjust.

I am worried that my coworkers have been complaining about me and that this is actually a reprimand in disguise.  I don't have evidence of that and my coworkers wouldn't have the courage to name real actual concerns about me.  But I am still really worried. 

I planned out some things to say but again experience has taught me that the principal will frame things in a way that disarms me and leaves me struggling for words. 

All I want is to be heard and for someone in charge to say, "I hear you and see how hard you are working.  You are right, it isn't physically possible for you to do the things people expect of you.  I have your back."  I don't think that will happen. 

We'll see how it goes. I hope I can sleep tonight.