Rainy Journal

[rainydiary]

Today I am really struggling with how long it took me to both realize that I had been abused and then to name it as such.  Emotional and psychological abuse were the fabric of my upbringing - how would I have known any better?  I am grieving for how I have behaved for so many years given these wounds I didn't realize I had.  I am trying to appreciate where I am now but the road that led me here still gives me so much pain. 

[marta1234]

  I feel you, rainydiary. I think most of us have this feeling that comes up every other time. I wish I could say something better, but just know that although your past that brought you here you were alone, now you can track the road with support and people. 

[saylor]

I am grieving for how I have behaved for so many years given these wounds I didn't realize I had.  I am trying to appreciate where I am now but the road that led me here still gives me so much pain.

Hi, rainydiary,

I'm sorry that you're grieving and in so much pain.

I can really relate to what you expressed

[rainydiary]

Thanks Marta & Saylor for your words - in many ways I am at a loss for words over my experience.

Today I am reflecting on the decisions I have made with my traumatized brain.  Sometimes I wonder if I consciously chose something or if my choices reflected the need to re-enact past traumas and "finally get them right." 

Growing up I did not have a lot of choice in my life.  I grew up without much of an identity.  Things I publicly identified with were chosen for me by my parents.  As an adult, I feel like what I thought was my identity has shifted a great deal over time as it was really dependent on context.  When I met my husband, the main thing I had that was my own was yoga.  I pretty quickly took on his hobbies and habits (I still hung out with my friends) because they were different than mine and I wanted him to like me. 

Fast forward to now and I wish I hadn't done that.  I didn't do it for the right reasons and now I am in a position of forcing myself to do things I don't want to do like I have my whole life.  The things aren't horrid - we are talking about camping and bicycling and hiking.  I don't mind them in moderation...but we are preparing for our 3rd camping trip in 2 weeks and I am beat.  I am training for a long run and it is taking a lot out of my body.  It is also hard to leave my cat. 

This has its roots in a moment I distinctly recall from childhood.  I was in our home reading - I love to be inside and to read.  I don't remember exactly how old I was but it was somewhere in the 2nd to 3rd grade range.  I remember my parents approaching me and insisting I go outside.  The implication was that I was going to grow up as a hermit - and I now see how ironic it is in that they didn't model for me any healthy leisure behavior so I have no idea what they thought would come of it.  The message I also received is that the way I am is wrong and that my preference for being quiet and reading and indoors is not acceptable.  Growing up this was also accompanied by a lot of emotional/psychological abuse. 

I continue to feel this way as an adult.  I don't feel accepted for the person I am.  I would say I feel supported by my husband but given his own family dynamics and issues (enmeshment and PD parents) I sometimes wonder if he had healthier relationship skills if we would have even made it very far - he is used to dysfunction.  The enmeshment he grew up with is really telling right now - he doesn't know how to get what he needs and he doesn't know what he needs so we get into these weird struggles where I have learned to be ready to drop everything to do what he wants.  It has gotten better over time, especially if we aren't around his family.  But I also haven't officially or effectively stood up to it in some instances.  He often asks my opinion on something and then warps what I say into what he wants (such as if I say I want to go out to Pho for dinner, he will say he doesn't want that and we will go where he wants).  I'm left not wanting to offer my opinion because our decade together has taught me that it is his way or no way in small things like where we go to dinner as well as big things like where we live.

I have spent much of this year trying to extract myself from this dynamic by focusing on what I need and what I want.  Quarantine life does make it more complicated.  I am getting better at knowing what I want and need and am starting to say it more.  I am now at the place where I want to assert myself more to my husband and be strong enough to not cave when he deploys his codependency and guilt on me.  I am encouraged because I have started doing this somewhat and he has responded well to it.  I can tell he is trying.  I am afraid that I will outgrow this relationship.  It is difficult to watch someone stay in the FOG.  I try to be supportive but this is definitely a take care of myself first situation.

I have committed to giving my current life more time.  COVID makes it challenging to make other plans anyways.  I am working to further identify what I want moving forward. 

[rainydiary]

Every day feels different - today I am deeply exhausted.  I am not using some of my usual coping tools (mostly mindlessly watching TV).  In some ways it is helping me face what I have been avoiding for a long. Yet I also wonder if I am pushing myself too hard.  I am questioning if I have self care skills as things I previously thought were self care just seem like ways to avoid.  I would say yoga has become more effective for self care.  I feel like I am building my adult self for the first time. 

[rainydiary]

I have had difficult dreams the past two nights.  Last night I dreamt about a friend that has been really helpful to me on my journey.  I can say anything to her and she accepts and understands and validates.  I haven't seen her or heard much from her since March.  Realizing I feel abandoned by her.  She has her own journey and needs right now and so I am not upset.  I just hope that we can reconnect soon.

I am realizing a general sense that I wish I felt safe. 

[rainydiary]

Next week I am planning to speak to a colleague at work about being trauma survivor.  I am worried about how exactly to phrase things.  Work is such a different context and there are so many ridiculous, unwritten rules we follow.  I think it is important for me to share a version of my story.  I work with high schoolers and so much focus is given to student mental health...while we as adults are supposed to pretend like we have it all together.  I personally think that kids realize this and it is messed up.  They need guides and models - not the message that is stuff you push aside and deal with "on your own time." 

It feels important for me to share because I realize how often I am triggered at work given the relational nature of CPTSD.  I can't avoid other people.  There are certain situations where I am more likely to be triggered yet it can also just be someone's tone of voice, a facial expression, or a body posture and I am in it.  It really sucks.  I believe the work I do is important but I also can't take being so exhausted all the time. 

That is why I want to share some of my story with select people.  Perhaps they can help.  I have trouble trusting others and hope that this person does not disappoint me.  But my current way of trying to take the world on my own isn't working either.  I have more information than I did before.  I want to feel respected at work, not run over like I do now.  Depending on the response I get, it will help me know if my current situation is one I want to keep working in. 

Mostly I feel shame at my trauma.  I don't have words to express how crappy it is to have such an unnurturing upbringing.  But I have struggled for so many years and did not understand why.  I don't want to keep holding back and trying to hold myself together by holding my body so tight and keeping my words to myself.  I'm tired of people walking all over me at work and I'm tired of taking it. 

[saylor]

I did this at the very end of my last job, but in my case, I hadn't planned to do it. It came up spontaneously in conversation (but at least it was with someone I really trust). Afterwards, I started to worry about maybe having said too much, e.g., possibly burdening my coworker with TMI (or maybe I was just being paranoid—? I guess I'll never know...)

I can understand the desire to do this, though. It's terrible to have to hold everything inside all the time, and I also found the work environment to be very triggering (worsened by having to spend most waking hours there). It's like, the place where you're most likely to need support is the place where you're most expected to hide your struggles. Argh!

Good luck, rainy, however you decide to proceed.

[rainydiary]

I appreciate you sharing Saylor.

Today I completed a meditation on an app where the meditation leader named an emotion and the task was for me to observe the reaction in my body to the named emotion.  I was already a little overwhelmed going into this.  For the more "negative" emotions I noticed reactions in my body.  For the "positive" emotions I had no reaction I could observe. 

It is taking me a lot of effort to actually feel the "negative" emotions because I was punished for doing so when growing up.  To cope, I numbed all emotions even good ones.  I have days where I feel good but at this point these days feel good simply because the negative feelings are absent.  I don't use words like "happy" or "excited" or "calm" to describe myself. 

I have a feelings wheel or chart available when I am journaling.  In the course of my work with students, I have been introduced to the concept of interoception.  It is basically the sense of internal states that are physical like hunger as well as emotional.  Many of the students I work with have different levels of proficiency with this sense, as do I.  I am hoping that as I focus on this more with students that I also learn for myself.  Yoga has been helpful for me in this area, but I find myself needing more information on how things feel in my body. 

This all has been so exhausting.  I feel so much shame at being an adult learning how to feel safe in the world and that I matter.  I am realizing the myriad of ways that I don't actually think or act like an adult because I get stuck in EFs.  I believe I am on a better path but it is going to be a long journey.

[rainydiary]

This evening a lot of emotion came up.  I am working so hard.  I wish others knew that and I wish it didn't feel like the world keeps knocking me down. 

[marta1234]

I am so sorry Rainydiary that's you're feeling this way. I've felt the world knocking me down quite a bit, sometimes too much. I wish I could take your hand and guide you (if that's ok), but all I can say is that you're not alone. I'm sorry you're going through such a difficult time. I read all of your realizations that you've even making so far, and I see myself in them. Maybe that's why they're sometimes hard to read. But I want you to know that you're not alone in this. We all support you here, and are happy for the progress that you're making.

I hope you feel better soon.

[rainydiary]

Marta, I appreciate you sharing.  What others write about also resonates with me and it is both painful and instructive.  I appreciate that we have each other and can support one another.  I find myself much less hesitant to post in areas outside of this forum as it doesn't feel as safe. 

I have found it useful to have a list of feeling words available on my phone as well as in written form in areas where I journal or work.  I am not good at naming my feelings.  Today the word that seemed to resonate was "content."  I had time to do things I wanted to do today and that was nice.  I sent my mother a text to check in as she had shared the other day that one of her dogs is unwell.  I am usually hesitant to reach out because I can never tell how an interaction will go and if I can handle it.  Of course mom launches into asking me tons of questions that go straight to the core of all my issues.  I didn't react today but rather responded.  I realize that because she is hurting she is trying to cover that up and making things about me.  Does it ever occur to her that I don't want to talk about my terrible in-laws?  Does it ever occur to her that I don't tell her the whole truth of how things really are because I know she can't handle it and will turn it into somehow being my fault? 

I am glad that the interaction didn't fully derail my day.  As an adult I can see how my grandparents grew up in abusive homes and passed that on to my parents who in turn behaved abusively toward me and my siblings.  Our particular family line are of the ones who did different than their families - my grandparents left their abusive homes to make their own lives.  So each generation has been trying to leave the abuse behind.  I hope to be one that heals.  I do not plan to have children of my own but work with children and hope to pass my lessons on to them. 

In reflecting on the emotions that came up last night, I think they relate to what I am reading, learning, and all that is going on in the world.  I am rereading the Harry Potter series which I do every year.  I am struggling with this rereading for many reasons.  For one, the author's true colors are coming through and have truthfully been there all along.  I am working hard to examine my own biases and it is tough.  This work is in my nature to do but adding the layer of CPTSD in the mix is making it all more complicated.  Such that I now read CPTSD into the characters in the novels.  I am reading the third book and for some reason reading the dementor scenes where Harry flashes back to his worst moment have really gotten to me.  I thought the parts where the descriptions of Harry's abusive family would get me more but they weren't.  It is the dementors. 

Last night I began to visualize the dementors as CPTSD and how they trigger the IC.  The characters learn the patronus charm which I began to visualize as the ways we learn to manage the IC.  I decided to pick my own patronus (a phoenix which I call Luz) that I plan to call on to help when my IC gets loud again. 

I appreciate a calm day.  I work in public schools in the US and have no idea what things will look like for my job in the fall.  I do anticipate it will be so difficult especially since I work in special education.  Many of the families I work with were already on edge in May.  I am afraid I won't be able to handle their stuff as I continue to wade through my own.  But that is not something I need to focus on today. 

[Snowdrop]

I often reread the Harry Potter books too. I love the idea of picking a patronus to help you fight off cptsd symptoms .

It sounds as though you're making good progress, Rainy.

[rainydiary]

Thanks Snowdrop - it feels like it comes and goes!  I recently saw a meme or visual on social media that referred to progress like a spiral where you cover the same ground.  The message was that you see something new when circling back but I think it could also mean that progress is painful because we do go over the same ground. 

Today has been really weird.  I have a meeting with someone tomorrow and I think the change in routine is stressing me out.  I also wrote some letters here on the site and doing so triggered a small EF - I kept waiting for something bad to happen even though I wrote them on a site not everyone has access to and didn't send them to the people I wrote to.  I worked through my EF and it didn't seem to derail my day like EFs can.

I mostly feel neutral today.  I pushed myself too hard to finish reading a book that will help with my job.  I am also starting to think ahead to work even though I have no idea what that will look like since the US is such a mess with COVID. 

I hope I can fall asleep tonight on time and have the courage to be brave in my meeting tomorrow. 

[rainydiary]

Today I spoke with my coworker about my trauma history.  She is a psychologist so I figured she would be receptive to what I was saying.  As our meeting approached, I noticed my OC acting up.  I was really afraid of talking to her - what if it didn't help?

It ended up being a good conversation.  My main goal was simply to share my story with the bonus goal of gaining an ally.  I would say both of those goals were achieved. 

I hope good comes from sharing.  I felt supported by her.  Ultimately I know that an ally can't do the hard things for me but I hope she can help in ways I can't see right now.

I am super exhausted after that conversation.