Rainy Journal

[Snowdrop]

Well done, Rainy. I'm so glad it went well and you felt supported.

[buddy9832]

That's awesome! Congrats rainy, that sounds like a huge step forward in the right direction!

[Not Alone]

Glad your conversation with your friend went well.

[rainydiary]

Thank you not alone, buddy, and Snowdrop. 

Mostly it feels good to be believed.  I have been physically drained since the conversation.  I think I have been holding a lot of tension in my body as that conversation neared.  I worry I will feel this drained once work starts again.  I will be trying so hard to manage my brain while also trying to do my job.   

I also found out that when work starts up again at the school I work at that we are planned to do school in person.  I don't know what to think about that.  I'm not sure it's safe.  I haven't heard what our schools plan is to keep us safe as adults.  I don't want to get attached to any worry or plan because things could change.  Working in a school is a complicated deal anyhow and this adds layers I don't know how to deal with right now.

One thing at a time - for now it is a countdown until I can go to bed. 

[owl25]

You did great to talk to your co-worker, I am glad that went well. I hope you get some much deserved rest tonight, 

[Not Alone]

It makes sense that you feel drained. It was a risk to talk to your friend.

[rainydiary]

Thank you Owl and Notalone, it took me a while to wind down last night but I did get some rest.

I've been reflecting on the phrase "trauma survivor."  It has made me feel a lot and I wasn't sure it was a phrase I could resonate with.  I still feel a great deal of shame about my trauma. 

But today I found myself becoming emotional during a haircut.  The stylist is a gentle person and she always asks for consent for things she does.  At first that really annoyed me about her but I now appreciate her doing that so much.  Today I especially felt how much she cares and I tried my best to accept her care.  Based on previous interactions with her I knew I could trust her with a version of my story and I used the phrase "trauma survivor" while sharing that I appreciate her care and approach. 

I now see that phrase as a way to share something that I know is heavy but doesn't have to go into details.  For some reason I feel like if I disclose my past it needs to be super detailed.  Because of that, I feel hesitant to share.  Yet I don't actually think most other people need the details.  And truthfully the details aren't what still hurt me.  What hurts me are my IC and OC and the horrible way I talk to myself and feel about myself.  Those horrible things feel smaller when I can share with people that I trust. 

Right now I feel in a good place like I am managing.  I hope I can continue to carry that forward.  I appreciate all of the understanding and support here. 

[Not Alone]

I have found that people can be supportive without knowing details. On OOTS, I have received a lot of support, but have shared very little detail.

[rainydiary]

Thank you Notalone - it is helpful to know that!

CW (mention of suicide) ——————————————-

As the day has progressed, the memory of my BIL dying by suicide last November has crept up.  I don't really understand why it is coming up.  It might be because today I realize my MIL's birthday is next week.  Last year on her birthday my BIL registered to be an organ donor.  When the organ donation people that spoke to my ILs during my BIL's hospitalization mentioned the date he registered, my FIL said "oh he wanted to honor his mother."  I had a very different perspective - to me it was a message of how much pain she caused.  My BIL and I were not close.  Looking back I realize how long he struggled with mental illness and I didn't understand that until recently.  I think I feel guilt that I didn't know him better.  I can see how he tried his best. 

His death pushed my awareness of my trauma history forward.  His death put a divide between my husband and I that left me feeling abandoned by my husband.  I am afraid of what will happen as the anniversary of his death approaches. 

End CW —————————————————

My husband and I do not see eye to eye about his family.  From the outside I can see how abusive my in-laws are but my husband does not.  He treats me in some of ways he learned from them and a lot of our work has been for him to choose more respectful behavior.  If I had the choice I would never interact with them.  I already only interact if they come to our state and then usually for only one of the days they are here.   

I dread the future and how my husband will respond to the demands of them as they age.  His siblings have a lot of issues that he has been groomed to believe he has to solve and take care of - they are not functioning adults. He tries talking to me about our future but I can't let myself think about it because past experience has taught me how quickly he will say "how high?" when they say jump.  I keep seeing ways he grows with me which is why I am still here with him.  But I am so afraid it will all be too much for him. 

I'm surprised all of this is coming up.  I have been working so hard on myself and I think this is an area that continues to leave me feeling powerless.  I am afraid my husband will have his own awakening one day and will realize he doesn't love me.  Or that we will outgrow each other.  I am always waiting for him to abandon me.  I hate that I am preemptively preparing for what might happen in November in July. 

[rainydiary]

I posted this today on social media:

I've been at a loss for words for months now.  Some words that come to mind now: discouraged - disgusted - disappointed - sad - calm - overwhelmed.  I am finding it more helpful to consider that feelings I have right now are too big which make self-regulation a challenge. 

Recently I saw a post that compared healing to being on a spiral staircase.  The idea was that you circle back to a similar place and each time you return to that similar place it is with different information.

I am reflecting on how short sighted we are as people.  We are limited by how our brain works unless we bring active attention to our minds.  Yet that is so exhausting and we are still limited by our own experience.  We encounter the same things over and over and yet are slow to learn at the expense of many.

I am trying to embrace the opportunity to do better when things circle back into my life.  I am not sure how it is going - it is difficult to know the impact a single person makes but I aim to be a light.

[rainydiary]

For a while now, I'm not sure how long, I've been pondering the ways in which I don't feel safe.  I experienced abandonment and loss so often growing up I am not at all surprised it impacted me so. 

I am more aware of these in myself now but it makes me so sad and angry.

[rainydiary]

My IC, OC, and hypervigilance were on overdrive today.  I have been exercising outside on a trail near my house and got so overwhelmed by how lax people are with masks and social distancing.  My IC has been berating me all day for not being "nice" to many people I encountered today. 

It is very difficult to feel good about the future right now. 

[rainydiary]

Many painful memories are coming up today.  They are memories of times I really struggled in relationships to others.  They are memories of how poorly I treated others.  I was trying to keep myself safe as I did not understand myself then but I am deeply ashamed at how thoughtless and careless I was.  I am feeling overwhelmed by this because while certain people are coming to mind, I moved so many times while growing up I can't remember the names and faces of all the people I have hurt. 

I did a meditation today where the leader repeated the phrases, "I love myself.  I care about my suffering.  May I be at ease."  The part about caring about my suffering struck me.  As I suffer today, my habitual thought pattern is that I deserve to suffer.  That I deserve to feel bad because I am bad because I was not accepted or loved because I have human needs and am not perfect.  But I wonder if I can care about my suffering.  That idea is helping me break the cycle of telling myself I deserve to feel bad (at least for now). 

[rainydiary]

I had so much trouble falling asleep last night.  I think I exercised too late in the evening and then started thinking about my return to work.  I kept playing our scripts in my head of things I will say.  Needless to say this didn't do anything for me other than make me extremely tired today.

I came across two quotes today that spoke to me - one was on a podcast where Laverne Cox said something like "I'm glad I got to be a mess" and the other I saw online and attributed to Robert Louis Stevenson "Don't judge a day by the harvest you reap but by the seeds that you plant."  From these quotes I took away that it is ok to feel like a mess.  I hope that each thing I do to grieve, take care of myself, and face my feelings and thoughts will lead to greater things where I at least don't lay up half the night thinking of what I will say to people in a month. 

[marta1234]

Hey Rainydiary, I'm sending you lots of support and hugs. Your continuous work on yourself and your memories and emotions is so much, and the effort that you put in is amazing. I envy your courage, and especially your last sentence that you wrote before, "face my feelings and thoughts will lead to greater things". I'm so proud of you for finding these sentences that speak to you, and the two quotes that you mentioned above. I wish I could find a quote that speaks to me, but I think I have trauma to face before I can allow myself to be open to literature again.
Any way, know that you're not alone in this, and in the running thoughts that keep you awake all night (I've had them my whole life too when preparing for something). Sending you a basket full of gifts, and also thank you for writing in my journal. I have appreciated your support (I don't have the energy to reply on my own).