Rainy Journal

[rainydiary]

Today is starting off with all the elements of a rough day.  I can feel myself reacting.  I am hoping to use this day as a chance to practice things I've learned. 

[rainydiary]

Relief.  I made it through the day. 

I was able to share with trusted people my struggles.  I worked to respond rather than react.  It worked today.  My IC of course is saying "yeah but it might not the next time."

My main source of unease today was taking my cat to the vet.  We tried a new vet today - I think the cat and I both needed a fresh start.  I cried for the hour leading up to catching her to go.  Catching her did not go well but I am glad my husband was there to help because she almost got away and I cried more.  Overall the trip in the car and the experience at the vet was smooth and uneventful which was a relief.

Today I realized how my trauma is present even in being a pet owner.  I hope the tears I cried today were healing in that.  Also I am glad I didn't avoid going - I wanted to put off taking her but I think that would have made things worse.

In general though, I am growing increasingly worried about returning to work.  I work in a school and really worried about COVID.  I have gotten sick every year working in a school.  It happens.  The stakes are much higher now.  I am not sure what is stopping from me from just saying "I won't do it" and not going in until it is actually safe. 

[rainydiary]

During my run today, I listened to this podcast (https://podcasts.apple.com/us/podcast/radio-diaries/id207505466?i=1000482241093).  The way the father spoke to his daughter made me cry.  It was so heartwarming and supportive.

As I listened, it occurred to me how lonely I feel.  I cannot really recall anyone speaking to me the way the father spoke to his daughter.  I cannot think of someone in my current life that initiates an interaction just to say "I'm thinking of you and you are great."  Sometimes they say something like that after I have initiated such an interaction.  But it hurts.  I feel invisible. 

My husband felt the need to point out how our house is dirtier than usual this morning.  His seeming inability to verbalize any affirming feelings is a direct result of his upbringing but it still hurts.  I have worked so hard to heal myself and now his insensitivity hurts me more because I notice it more.  I have been speaking up for myself and I can see how he is trying.  But it is exhausting and feels like additional emotional labor on my part. 

[Tee]

 

[Three Roses]

 

[buddy9832]

That's tough rainy, I'm sorry to hear that. I obviously don't know your family but I hope good intent is there from your husband.

I'm not sure if it will make you feel better but I've found I've said a lot of stupid things to my wife when she was struggling and didn't even realize it. I chalk a lot of that up to not being able to read her especially before I started working on myself. I can be dense some times. What I do know is that when I have come to realization that she is struggling I will drop everything I can to help her through her pain. I hope eventually you will have a similar experience because you deserve it.

If this does not apply please ignore the message above. I'm so incredibly sorry for your pain and hope you heal soon.

[rainydiary]

Thank you for the support Tee, Three Roses, and Buddy.

I ended up talking to my husband about it.  It was weird - when he made his comment, I didn't think much of it.  While I was running, I finally processed it and realized that I didn't like it.  I think it is a habit to just push down my initial reaction.  He used his usual family line of "I was just joking"  (which is what his family says when they insult each other and the insulted reacts negatively).  But he was receptive and I don't think he meant to be hurtful.  He has a lot of unhealthy things he does because it is "normal" in his family but not ok to me.  We've come a long way and it helps me to remember that.

I had a relatively chill day otherwise.  I did try to explore the concept of shame more because I experience shame so often.  Because I am feeling more calm, my IC has been ramping up and throwing more and more memories at me as proof of why I am "bad."  Many of them are memories of times I wasn't able to really process before because I didn't have the maturity and tools to do so.  It also feels more effortful for me to stay with more "positive" even neutral thoughts and emotions.  I don't always want to default to thinking the worst of myself.  It's difficult to acknowledge the depth of my IC.  It's a system that has been reinforced for decades. 

I appreciate the support.  I am learning more about myself for the better (I hope). 

[buddy9832]

Hi rainy,

I'm glad to hear your husband was receptive, that's great. I am sorry to hear your IC has been ramping up. You are not inherently "bad" and I hope one day your mind will accept that.

[rainydiary]

Thanks Buddy - me too.

I am currently working through an EF triggered by my husband mentioning his family.  His brother is thinking of moving to the area where we live and just the thought of that and what it would mean is hurting me.  I know that it would mean my parents in laws visiting a whole lot more.  The EF is from all the times I tried forcing myself to put up with them and denying my voice.  At least my family is ok with us not all living in the same place and I can physically get away.  My husband's family are so enmeshed and want to live up in each other's businesses - it is too much for me.

I am proud that I caught this happening.  My husband noticed a difference in me which is interesting  - I told him I'm not in a place to talk even though I desperately want to but don't know how.  We do not see eye to eye at all when it comes to his family.  At times I will think we do but then the fear, obligation and guilt will creep it and push us apart. 

Deep down my fear is that my husband will abandon me.  He has a history of doing what his parents (especially his mom) wants and he has hurt me many times as a result.  He and his mom and sister speak several times every day and it is too much for me.  The other day he was fine and then I come home to him "not feeling well" after talking to them.  He does seem ready to see that they are causing him pain. 

This pain also goes back to the start of our relationship where I seriously misunderstood him.  When I met him I thought I met a person that wanted to make a life away from his toxic family.  Subsequent events made me see I had misread that badly.  A part of me is convinced that deep down he knows what they do is not ok.  But he keeps going back.  I am afraid that we have misread each other so badly and that one day he will choose them over me.

I have been trying to let myself actually believe that he can grow.  He has grown, especially since we've lived so far from his family.  I keep expecting him to falter though and feel bad that I do that.  As I heal more, I realize that I have no desire to be around his family.  They are hurtful and harmful people and try to bully me into accepting their worldview.  When I don't it causes problems.  I think right now I am only able to see in extremes.  I don't feel fully convinced my husband is with me. 

[rainydiary]

I'm not sure what to make of today.  I completed some professional development and it helped me reflect on my work from around March to May (but as well my work from last November on).  This is not my inner critic speaking but an honest reflection: I was not ok.  I had a series of extremely difficult things happen back to back to back and I see now that my resources were maxed out.  I see that my abilities and skills regressed because I was just trying to get through each day.  I was not my best self.  I think I knew that at the time but I have more perspective now and can see how I was struggling from a different place. 

I don't think any lasting damage was done.  I certainly have some relationships I can work to repair and I have a plan of how to approach things differently.  Knock on wood but my IC hasn't started berating me for this.  For some reason this true reflection of how I behaved that I came to on my own isn't as painful as what others might think or say to me because it is grounded in the truth. 

I still have much work to do but am finding small ways to make changes that I think will add up over time. 

[buddy9832]

Rainy, reading your previous post really resonated with me. Except my wife being in your shoes. My wife noticed the toxicity of my family for a long time. Especially, that from my mother. She would guilt trip, manipulate, deflect responsibility and what I assume unconsciously put me in the middle of situations and having to choose. This certainly didn't help with my low self esteem and lack of family. She would use our kids to make me feel guilty.

I was in denial for a very long time. In fact for the 10 years that I've known my wife it's only been really the last year that I've been coming to terms with what is happening. I'm not sure if you guys do Couple's but that is one thing that has been helping us a lot. I guess my point is there is hope. Hang in there!

[rainydiary]

Thank you Buddy - I appreciate the reminder that I am not the only one experiencing this dynamic. 

My relationship to my in-laws has always made me feel inept.  I've been shamed a lot by them as well as my parents for how I act toward them.  I'm sure I could have done better but they don't play by rules that healthy people play by.  I've learned over this year that I can choose the level of contact that I want - it is hard because they violate boundaries I set over and over.  It all makes me feel like I don't know how to be a family member.  I have a broader definition of family and it mostly includes people I choose.  But it is hard because I feel like I have somehow failed. 

I have seen my husband be put in very difficult positions.  He was raised by adult children that wanted to be friends with their kids.  That had turned out to not work well.  I see him trying to come to terms with things in his way and I think deep down he knows.  He hasn't seen her that he doesn't have to play their game.  I have learned that he listens to what I say so I am trying to be more mindful with my words.  It is tough for me because he isn't very good at putting his own experiences into words. 

My husband's birthday is coming up and his family obsesses over birthdays.  I'm sure they are pressuring him to come visit pandemic be darned.  I keep waiting for him to give in and go.  The first anniversary of his brother's death is approaching and I don't know how that is going to go.  His mom especially pitches a fit about him being there for the holidays.  I have no interest in giving up my free time to spend holidays with them.  Holidays are not pleasant with them and always end with arguments and someone storming out.  Yet that may mean us spending the holidays apart which makes me sad.

It is often hard for me to appreciate how far we have come.  But because he isn't great at putting things into words, I worry it will all build up and that I will be a convenient scapegoat.  I wonder why he married me - he hasn't ever put that into words and that hurts.  I am stronger now though and if that is how things would play out I know I would be ok.  I hope that isn't what happens.  But I'm also tired.  Sometimes I would like to live on my own and start over and try again.  That also makes me feel like a failure. 

We are going on a camping trip together next week.  I think it will be a good trip and hope I can relax enough to enjoy it.

[rainydiary]

Generally I am feeling better.  I think I am healing.  Part of me is waiting for the other shoe to drop but trying to hold onto new sensations that feel better. 

Next week will be a final trip to my favorite town before I start work.  It will be hard leaving my cat at home.  I am not usually up to journaling while on a trip - I usually don't need to. 

Work will definitely be a test of how I am able to use tools I have learned.  I hope my journey helps me do my job better.  I also hope to stay well and healthy. 

[Not Alone]

I don't often comment on your journal, but I want you to know that I read it and I'm for you. You have great insight into your motives, thoughts, and feelings.

[rainydiary]

Notalone, thank you for sharing this and for reading.  I appreciate the chance to read others' stories and I am not always sure what to say even though I would like to know exactly what to say to let others know I hear and see them sharing.

As I get ready for our camping trip, I understood more how traveling is part of my trauma.  I grew up in a military family and we moved a lot.  Moving is difficult for many reasons and we moved around 10 times while I was living at home.  My parents also moved see real times when I was a toddler and I can't remember them but I'm sure that my body and brain hold tension from this time.  The transitions I do remember always amped up the abuse given increased stress.  I've also had difficult moves with my husband two of which involved serious car wrecks (which add to a serious car wreck my brother, mom, and I were in when I was too little to remember but I'm sure my body and brain remember). 

I think that as I prepare for any trip, I am reminded of having my entire system flooded, overwhelmed, and not feeling able to cope.  This happened over and over.  I couldn't feel all of it at that time.  I am trying to let myself feel it bit by bit now so that I can heal. 

Something I have noticed as an adult is how I always feel this urge to move and move on.  I am hearing the voices of my parents go on and on about how I should go where the jobs are and how I shouldn't be afraid of going somewhere new.  But I think a lot of this was how they tried justifying how hard it was for us to move around.  I haven't ever really felt at home anywhere I lived and I think it was because I didn't feel at home in myself.  I also see how much I have avoided in myself and in growing for a long time because I just keep jumping around. 

There are so many layers.