Rainy Journal

[buddy9832]

Hi rainy, I can certainly understand the tensions related to moving and the military. To be blunt it sucks. Aside from the trauma I dealt with while being in; witnessing the toll moves and the military life played on my colleagues' children was a huge motivator for me getting out. Sadly, my experience was more often than not families were negatively affected by military life.

I don't think there's anything wrong with staying in one place. If you can find a place that feels like "home", feel settled and make a living that's more than half the battle.

[rainydiary]

I appreciate your words Buddy.  I think for a long time I tried to focus on the good the various moves brought but ignored the bad for a long time to cope.  I think that in addition to now feeling not at home with myself because of CPTSD, I also don't really feel like I belong anywhere. 

My husband I are on our trip.  We had a relatively pleasant day yesterday.  We both acknowledged we weren't really looking forward to the trip.  When I was growing up my family never took vacations as moving took up that time.  My husband's family I believe took trips but I would say he has a lot of hangups on trips which is stressful for me because I see them as things he is trying to overcome from his upbringing. 

For instance, despite the fact that we make plenty of money for the two of us, his aim is to find the cheapest accommodations possible.  Hence our plan was to camp this week.  As soon as we got to the town we're staying in, he acknowledged he didn't want to camp.  So we found a place to stay. 

Right now I am feeling homesick.  I miss my cat and my bed.  I don't sleep as well away from home and last night woke up overheated (so of course I start getting worried I am sick and have to spend time calming down my nervous system).  I had really complicated dreams that I can't really remember.  I do remember the essence of one where my husband was upset with me about where we live.  Deep down I am afraid our relationship also won't last because he feels immense pressure to live in his hometown.  Last year after his brother died and we hit a low point he told me hates where we live and wants to be closer to his family.  I think a lot of that was grief talking but it has left me uneasy ever since.  Will we be able to work together to find a place of our own or will his family's toxicity win?

We are preparing for our first day in town.  I hope my homesickness subsides. 

[buddy9832]

Hi rainy thank you for sharing. Even though it doesn't sound ideal, I hope the trip will ultimately turn into an opportunity to rest and recharge.

[rainydiary]

Thanks, Buddy - today went relatively well.  Many beautiful hikes and yummy food and slower times.

While hiking today, I thought about how for many years I had this deep down feeling/voice that told me my husband is my person.  I held on to that through a lot of difficult times.  I realized I haven't heard that voice or felt that deep down feeling since around Thanksgiving after his brother died.

This made me feel disoriented.  I don't think my feelings towards my husband have changed but I found so much comfort in the feeling.  It scares me that it is gone.  It was like a wiser part of me that knew this relationship would lead me to a place of healing.  And now? 

Nothing feels certain.  I've always known that things are not certain - it is a lesson I learned too young.  But that is feeling really heavy now.  I am more afraid of how my new self will respond and what I will want out of my life now.  I've spent so many years worried about everyone else and now that I am prioritizing myself, I am afraid of what I will choose.  I'm not sure why I'm afraid or if that is even the right word. 

I am trying to notice and manage my homesickness.  I hope tomorrow is a good day too. 

[rainydiary]

I am having a difficult day - still on my trip, still homesick, haven't felt well most of the week.  I think my IC and OC have taken over and I am having trouble quieting them down.  There have been moments of peace and enjoyment but I think I have entered into an EF.

I am bothered by how being outside of my routines and comfort zone are messing with me.  Before I recognized CPTSD in myself I identified the persistent challenges I faced with being an introvert and highly sensitive person.  I still think that I have a sensitive, quiet temperament and do better with consistency and routine.  But now I am all lost in worry - have I been hiding in my routines?  Do I work too hard to maintain a consistency because deep down I can't cope otherwise?  Why can't I just enjoy a week away from home?  Why can't I successfully get my needs met with the person I chose to live my life with?

I hope that this passes soon.  We are supposed to stay a few more days and I don't know how I am going to get by.

[rainydiary]

Unfortunately the day has progressed to conflict with my husband.  In the process, I'm pretty sure I triggered him.  I am also feeling terrible that while I am working to heal how I was treated growing up that I turn sometimes use those same behaviors.  Then I become upset that I too am an abuser and my IC takes off with the strong conclusion that I am in fact bad. 

It is a vicious cycle.  I am exhausted now and feeling very low.  My husband and I dialogued a little.  I'm just disappointed (mostly in myself) that I've been working so hard and still ended up in this place. 

[Not Alone]

Then I become upset that I too am an abuser and my IC takes off with the strong conclusion that I am in fact bad. 

I don't know what happened, but I wonder if using the word "abuser" is too strong. Everyone has some unhealthy behaviors and reactions. You are working on yourself to bring healing. Be kind to yourself.

[buddy9832]

Rainy, I'm sorry to hear you are having a tough day. Mark my words you are not inherently bad. You are worthy. You are worthy of peace and contentment.

[rainydiary]

Thank you Buddy and Notalone for your support and reminders.  I got way lost in my pain today and it really sucked. 

It was a weird experience to recognize that I had triggered my husband and to realize that he has been listening to me because he was able to use the vocabulary I've used when talking about being triggered.  Every now and then he reminds me in a big way that he listens to me even if it doesn't seem like he does.  In those times I always resolve to be more mindful in what words I chose because I don't want him to remember the hurtful ones.  I will keep trying. 

I am realizing that while I am getting better at listening to my body signals and realizing I need to do something to take care of myself, I'm not doing as well at identifying what I need.  Lately because I haven't had work I have just been doing yoga or laying down for a while.  That doesn't work in all situations and definitely won't work once my job resumes and it hasn't really been addressing what I need.  I opened up this page to help me when I need words to identify needs (https://www.cnvc.org/sites/default/files/2018-10/CNVC-needs-inventory.pdf).

I am worn out by this day. 

[rainydiary]

Last night was super rough - I was physically ill and  there was a mouse roaming around our room so we moved rooms at our lodging in the middle of the night.  This all added up to limited sleep after a trying week.

This morning my husband initiated a conversation where I shared many of the things I've noticed and worried about lately.  He isn't one to respond immediately and I am now sitting by myself feeling really alone.  It is hard to be so vulnerable with someone, especially a partner, and to get no response.  In my brain I can identify and understand reasons why he responds in this way but it hurts and I am tired of making excuses for him.  I can't make him do anything, I just keep hoping he will take it on himself to learn better ways to communicate with me. 

I am trying to take care of myself right now. 

[buddy9832]

Im sorry to hear you had a rough day rainy. I'm sorry to hear how vulnerable and alone you feel.

I see a lot of similarities in your dynamic compared to mine with my wife. If this doesn't apply please disregard.  Again, I don't necessarily want to speak to your husband because obviously I don't know your family  but for what it's worth, for the longest time, I treated my wife very similarly when she opened up to me and was vulnerable. I usually wouldn't respond right away, but I would listen. I would think about what she was saying but would be afraid to provide a response because I felt I needed to provide the perfect good measured response to her vulnerability. It wasn't out of any form of ill will or malevolence. For me, knowing the mental health issues that she suffered I didn't give her enough credit for her resiliency and thought I needed to treat her (through my responses) as a delicate flower. It wasn't until we started Couple's that I realized more or less the exact opposite is what she wanted. It took me a while to crack out of my shell, to work through my wife's vulnerabilities in the moment but it did come.

I hope things will get better. You are worthy and you deserve to heal!


//====EDIT========
Rainy, I feel the need to state I didn't write that to toot my own horn, like look at me look how wonderful my life is. I'm certainly no saint and I certainly have problems I'm dealing with with my wife. I just wanted to say that it sounds like your dynamic is similar and that I can see how you are feeling so alone and that I believe there is hope for you.

[rainydiary]

Buddy, I appreciate your thoughts and response.  Your perspective is really helpful and helps a lot.   I appreciate you sharing that with me.  I felt a lot of shame after I wrote that post.  I think my husband heard what I said and I think it will come out over time.  I am mostly disappointed that I have had such a hard week.  I thought I was getting better at managing and things imploded this week.  I suppose it doesn't mean that I am not getting better just that I needed some reminders of things I can watch for.   

[rainydiary]

I am back at home and experiencing many ups and downs.  I haven't been able to fully settle although I generally feel better.  I did smack the back of my head on the handrail to my stairs - I think I am ok, it just hurt.   

I started working again today - my official start day is Friday but our time is always taken by meetings so I try to get things important to me done the week leading up so I can get used to working again. 

At the start of every school year we have to watch these mandatory videos.  Most of the ones this year were COVID and health related as well as ones about active threats and abuse/neglect.  I decided to get them all out of the way.  I want to say that watching these is never a good experience and is actually traumatic each time I do it.  I do not understand how working in a school equates to having to deal with all these traumatic things. 

Watching these videos brings up a lot for me.  This is the first year I've watched since acknowledging that I have been abused.  The video about abuse has always struck a cord with me that I didn't realize was because I was abused.  It's a strange experience to watch something I've had firsthand experience with and yet no one noticed (or if they did they didn't say anything).  I noticed this time around that the discussion of emotional abuse is a tiny sliver of the entire presentation. 

I think what was good about today is that normally those videos really trigger me and I didn't know that before.  I think that I noticed myself getting agitated and was able to take care.  The world feels so heavy right now and I am discouraged and afraid of things I hear on the news. 

I heard this great thought on a podcast today where the speaker said something like "You can't take my healing away from me."  I get stuck in a loop where I continue to strive for perfection because a part of me still thinks all my problems would be solved if I was perfect.  I think part of my healing has been to realize this and to notice it.  I hope I can be  gentle and easy with myself this week. 

[rainydiary]

As I dig into work more, two things happened this morning that I noticed triggered me:

1) a parent asked me a question I can't answer

2) I received an email from someone I don't know questioning my work

I decided to start writing down when I notice a trigger and then writing down something I can do in response. 

For the first one - I am familiar with the parent and she is one of the reasons I typically avoid speaking to parents.  Her question was about one of my coworkers and why that coworker hasn't responded to her emails.  I have no clue - I decided that what I can do is tell her what I know (which is that I don't know my coworkers schedule and hopefully she'll respond soon) and refocused the email on the actual topic. 

For the second one - I asked for help from some other coworkers and am double checking my knowledge.  The work I do can vary from state to state and my instinct is that the question is a difference in how different states carry out the work.  But I acknowledge that I often do things with incomplete or inaccurate information and want to make sure I am not unintentionally doing things wrong.

So far I think I am doing better at not getting caught in a spiral.  We'll see how that goes when I have to interact with people in person....

[buddy9832]

Hi rainy,

Welcome back from your time off!

Jotting down when you notice you are being triggered and trying to identify a response sounds like a great idea. I hope it will help moving forward.