Rainy Journal

[rainydiary]

Today I started Complex PTSD: Surviving and Thriving in audio form.  I listened to the introduction and first chapter.  The experience was one of relief mixed with grief. 

I've been putting a lot of labels on my experiences that seemed to be symptoms of Complex PTSD.  I feel overwhelmed because  it feels like I take one step forward and ten steps back.  Healing doesn't seem to follow any rules or sequences.  It seems that I need to take those single steps so that I can be ready to take the next ones.

I was hesitant to listen to this book as an audio book.  I love reading and wanted a paper copy.  But I am going to persist with the audio version as I think I was engaged differently.  It helped me stop looking at my phone and being distracted.  I think when I read I try to incorporate every sentence I read into my experience immediately. 

I am glad to be learning about CPTSD and look forward to the journey.

[rainydiary]

Today I listened to chapters two and three of the book.  The whole time memories and EFs came up and I would pause to record those. 

I appreciate the information in the book and the details resonated with me.  It is a lot to unpack so I ordered a physical copy of the book as well as The Body Keeps the Score and plan to refer back. 

What resonated today was how emotions can be seen on a continuum from a more negative experience to a more positive one and how we are often expected to focus on the positive and deny the negative. 

I found it harder to focus today on the book.  Because it is waking up and stirring up my past, I noticed myself avoiding to cope.  My shoulder also started bothering me - I now associate the shoulder discomfort with my inner child.   

Unrelated to the book, my H and I had a large number of positive interactions today including one conversation about his family (which is a tremendously triggering topic for me).  I believe that my H is a fellow survivor of childhood abuse and neglect.  He does not see that and I am not sure he will.  But I have noticed that by focusing on my own healing and adjusting to healthier behaviors it is helping our relationship. 

I am going to take a break from reading this book over the weekend.  I am training for an ultramarathon and weekends tend to focus on running and rest. 

[owl25]

Hi rainydiary, glad to see you've started your journal here too Sounds like you're ready to tackle this thing called CPTSD. You're right that focusing on yourself and your own healing does help in a relationship. Your husband may not be ready to face things. It's hard when we are ahead of those closest to us and they can't see things yet that we're learning and discovering. We are all on our own journeys in the end, but it's nice when those we love can walk alongside us for parts of it.

[rainydiary]

I am not feeling very well physically, emotionally, or mentally today.  While identifying CPTSD as a part of my experience is helpful it is also overwhelming. 

As the world and my country are going through difficult experiences, I hope we will come out on the other side better.  Yet, all I take away from each conversation is the loud inner critic that screams at me that I am not good enough and haven't ever done enough.  My toxic shame is overpowering me.  I struggle with the process of learning and growing because I was punished growing up for not "knowing better."  I am also a quiet person by nature and do best when I have a lot of down time and me time.  This need was criticized by my parents as I grew up and has not been accepted in adulthood.

I have been pushing myself physically, emotionally and mentally.  Even though I am doing things that are technically nurturing for myself, it isn't working right now.  I feel like I have no place to feel the way I do because on the outside my life has been good and I have opportunities not available to all.  Does it still apply to be good to myself first and then others? 

I have always wanted to live a quiet life with limited contact with others.  I've resisted that desire and push myself to behave in ways that seem more acceptable to others.  It is catching up with me today. 

[owl25]

We need to be good to ourselves first to be able to be good to others. Otherwise we burn ourselves out, and we can't be there for others at all when that happens. It's okay to take care of you and what you need. In fact, it's a necessity. I hope you can be kind to yourself today and get some rest.

[rainydiary]

Thank you for the words of encouragement Owl.  I noticed that you posted about discouragement on another page and that resonated with me today.  I had an argument with my husband and in reflection I realize that he triggered me which is why I responded with fight.  But also he and I have had many difficult experiences and part of me doesn't trust that we will move forward in a different way so I worry my reaction was also sabotage.

I listened to more of Pete Walker's book today and cried.  I don't remember specifically what part or what brought the tears but they came.  I appreciate that recovery is not linear and will likely be a lifelong process.  But it makes me so sad and tired. 

Today it occurred to me that some of my professional difficulties relate to being triggered and being stuck in EFs.  I hope to explore this understanding.  I had an idea to disclose this to someone at work but am not sure I can trust her based on past conversations.  Perhaps she can still help me without me sharing why I am asking. 

The world feels heavy today. 

[Jazzy]

Sorry to hear you're having a rough day rainydiary. The healing journey can feel overwhelming sometimes, and slowing down may be a good idea when that happens. It takes time to work through and process everything. Also, its okay to take time for yourself. Some people are more introverted, and that's fine. I hope you feel better soon. All the best!

[rainydiary]

I slept poorly last night for reasons I don't fully grasp.  I've been training for an ultramarathon and my body would not cool down - I think I overworked myself a bit.  I also was in a place where it felt like I wasn't asleep but I think I was somewhat.

I might have been worried about a doctor visit I had planned for today.   It was a wellness visit and went well despite the prodding and probing that is part of it.  I appreciated that my physician appeared trauma informed and asked preferences and was willing to describe what she was doing.

As I've been on my journey of learning about trauma, I have started seeing my students in a new way.  I work with high school students with disabilities and most of them have brains that work very different than mine.  I have been learning to set aside my own perspective and agenda to try to give them the chance to voice their experience.  Many of them aren't able to do that well yet given their age as well as the high probability that other adults don't help them learn this.  I have also wondered how many of them are coming from a place of trauma too.  Being told that you need to do and be something your brain doesn't do must be traumatic.

I am in a Facebook group for other professionals with my position and a colleague asked a question about how to support student motivation.  One person responded, making liberal use of all caps, how they are bluntly honest and tell students their deficits and "hey, that's just how I am."  Other people piled on how we can't sugarcoat for kids and they need to learn because the adult world is rough.  The points they make aren't exactly untrue but I was angered by their tone.  I hope they are kinder to students in person but I doubt it.  If I was their student, I would feel terrible about myself especially if what they expect wasn't within my ability to do.

I was going to ignore what they said but decided to post a response being as direct as I dared to be.  I wasn't as "blunt" as they like to be, but tried to give a different perspective.  I don't know if anyone will notice.  I worry someone will start an argument with me.  However, as I read today from Haenim Sunim:

"Though I am lacking in many ways, I want to be a person who can bring some small comfort to people, who can give them courage, like a ray of warm sunshine."

[rainydiary]

I am realizing the extent to which I experience EFs at work.  Given the nature of my work, I have many opportunities to observe parent child interactions.  I also work closely with the parents and other educators.  I have always noticed strong reactions when parents are tough or critical of their children. Now I am also realizing that when parents or other adults speak to me in certain ways, it triggers an EF.

I previously associated these EFs with being an introvert and needing more time to process.  That may be part of it, but I think the truth is that my flight-freeze response takes over and I am left feeling like the little kid that was punished for daring to have an opinion and speak up. 

I hope to process this a little more before returning to work in August.  It has made work unbearable at times.  Now that I understand why, I hope I can take steps to address it. 

[Jazzy]

That's great that you've had such a realization. I hope you can work through it when you return to work.

[Not Alone]

I was going to ignore what they said but decided to post a response being as direct as I dared to be.  I wasn't as "blunt" as they like to be, but tried to give a different perspective.  I don't know if anyone will notice.  I worry someone will start an argument with me. 

Good for you for voicing your thoughts. I hope that it does cause some people to think about dealing with their students in a kinder fashion.

If someone does start an argument with you, you have the option to not engage/respond, if you want.

[owl25]

These are some huge insights. This will help you work on these triggers. It makes total sense to me, I think I have a similar trigger.

[Three Roses]

Yes, great insights! 

[rainydiary]

Today started off rough with an EF.  I haven't had one in a while so it felt really big.  Right now my chest feels like it was broken open.  It does feel like a broken heart when I grieve.

The books Complex PTSD: From Surviving to Thriving, The Body Keeps the Score, and Love for Imperfect Things have been the most meaningful reads of 2020 for me.  I've started randomly opening up to a part of each book to reread.  Today the three parts really connected - reminders about: how my experiences with early attachment etched in my brain a set of expectations that I relive over and over, that I experience abandonment depression (as Pete calls it), and that often resisting something makes it worse than it really is.

I was able to see earlier this week how triggering parents I encounter in my work are and today started to acknowledge that my in-laws also trigger me deeply.  Today I began to acknowledge that I often felt unloved as a child.  I think I denied this because my parents would say what they do is out of love and as an adult I can use my perspective taking skills to understand that they learned unhealthy behaviors from their parents.  Yet, the little girl in me that hurts and was unloved and not accepted does not need to rationalize why her parents acted so poorly. 

I think I will feel sore the rest of the day as my wounds heal. 

[rainydiary]

I had an enjoyable day with a lot of "me" time.  Then as evening approached, I hit a wall.  I received a series of emails from some list serves that made me so exhausted.  There is so much fear in the world.  I already have a ton of fear inside.  I'm feeling angry at how fear is used to call people to certain actions to serve the purpose of a group.  It shuts me down.