Rainy Journal

[buddy9832]

I'm sorry to hear that rainy. I hope you got through the day good enough.

[rainydiary]

Marta & Buddy, the comfort you offered was just what I needed. 

Work is just too dang stressful right now.  Working in a school in the US during this pandemic feels so outrageous.  I keep asking myself why I don't protest, why I don't quit,  why I am going along.  Not only is the reality of COVID, but the financial consequences this is going to have are making me question if I will even have a job in a year's time.  This work also triggers me constantly.  Why am I doing this to myself? 

Part of it is that if anything goes wrong with my husband, I feel like I need my own income.  Part of it is that after working through a lot of things I finally feel more successful in a job than I ever have.  Part of it is that I love my students and I want to help them the best I can.  Part of it is I don't feel ready to not be there. 

But I am exhausted.  I have done so much work that might get thrown out the window the second cases increase.  My work is also paying for us to be tested for COVID and I will be going tomorrow to be tested.  Even though I have felt fine, I have a worry I've been an asymptotic carrier.  I'm also exhausted by the narrative of my country. 

I have dreamed of having my own practice and working for myself.  I have been afraid to take that step because I worry I would fail.  I worry I would get too overwhelmed and not be able to handle it.  And right now it especially feels like it wouldn't work.  But depending on what happens this year at work, I may more seriously explore this. 

[marta1234]

Hey Rainydiary, I’m sorry it’s been so stressful for you right now at school. It’s understandable. Sending you support and comfort, and maybe something that can help you feel calm?  Sorry that I can’t give you better advice, but I want you to know that your fears of being asymptomatic are not alone, I’ve also felt this at the start of this whole pandemic.
Hope you feel better afterwards

[buddy9832]

Hi rainy, I can understand your frustrations. My MIL is a kindergarten teacher and over the past five years or so she's become so disenfranchised with how the public schools are managed. How it appears families have little investment in their children's education.

How ridiculous it is that it has become a necessity for you guys to train for active shooters and bomb threats? That is something that I would train for routinely in the Navy. That's not something that should be a part of a schools training curriculum. Anyway, she's so sick of how things are going she has decided to retire this year. I'd say she's one of the lucky ones.

I can also sympathize with the exhaustion by our country's narrative. There's days, like today for example where I find it incredibly hard to have faith in humanity. Our country is sick and I'm not sure we will be able to recover.

As I'm writing this post I apologize that it is not so positive. I can understand your concerns related to opening your own practice. You certainly are more vulnerable. At the same token, I have to imagine it is more rewarding. I can also understand your fear of becoming overwhelmed and failing. But what if you are successful? What if at the end of it you are faced with these challenges and overcome them?

[rainydiary]

Marta - thank you!  I find your offerings so helpful, so thank you.  I had my COVID test and it made my nose bleed.  I live in a state with many active forest fires and the air quality has been nasty...so someone shoving a stick up my nose didn't help.  But it was ok and I will be interested to hear the results.  My coworkers have been testing negative so I expect that to be my result too. 

Buddy - agreed, we should not be worrying about active shooters and such.  I live near schools where some high profile school shootings have occurred so there is a general vibe of trauma whether people acknowledge that or not.  Every time a certain tone and digital voices comes over our intercom I (and probably everyone) is triggered.  I don't mind "not positive" posts - I appreciate all sides and emotional experiences so it is cool with me.  Hopefully when my brain feels less tired I can give some more attention to finding a way to do what I like without all of this extra trauma and stress. 

Speaking of all emotional experiences today I just feel angry.  The day started with a weird email from a director that basically said people with my job type "don't count" toward the number of people allowed to be in a room.  That statement was qualified a bit but it still enraged me.  I am still a human and if I can't safely be in a space, I won't regardless of what is expected of me. 

As the day went on, I realized that I worked so hard over the past few weeks and know that we are going to have to quickly shift to all online.  It feels like a game is being played of trying to say "look we tried" for reasons I don't really understand.  At the expense of all the people who busted their bottoms to be ready for students to come join us in person.

I've had several parents argue and/or shame me for students being expected to wear masks when I work with them.  These rules are not mine and I have to operate within the rules.  I think these arguments are nuanced and families are also dealing with a lot.  But come on. 

Ad I drove to the COVID testing site and was in a traffic jam for the first time in a long time, I felt so much anger at how much we all just want things not feel so f@&$ed up.  But there are realities at play here.  That are bigger than us all but also include small things we can all do. 

I vented a bit on social media and received some supportive comments from friends.  Of course my parents in law felt the need to add their 2 cents.  I don't want their input.  It is performative and selfish.  I am still working up the courage to block them on this platform.  But they aren't the only ones that annoyed me.  Some people just want to invalidate feelings and try to fix me. 

I hope that I am able to rest tonight and this weekend.

[rainydiary]

I woke up today with a general sense of unease.  My eye is sore and I'm pretty sure it is stress related as it wasn't sore last night.  I am worried about tomorrow when students come back to school.  I hope I can find ease today but I'm not sure I fully will.  Last night I read an article ( https://themighty.com/2018/06/anxiety-from-complex-trauma/) that helped me understand that when I experience anxiety it isn't about a general sense of fear of the future...it a fear of my past happening again in the future.  This was helpful to me.  And explains why I've felt frustrated when people
say to me "oh you're just worried about the unknown."  That hasn't felt true to me at all - my brain so confident and is like "uh, I already know what will happen and I don't want that again."

[buddy9832]

Hi rainy, I thought that article was quite poignant thank you for sharing.

[Snowdrop]

I found that article helpful too, Rainy. It makes a lot of sense, and it's helped me to view things differently. Thank you.

[C.]

Agreed great article.  Thank you. That article resonates for me.  Would it be possible to discuss the article on another thread?...I am so curious about perspectives and applying it to our healing...

[marta1234]

I agree, I remember reading this article when I first started out learning about cptsd. It was a huge sigh of relief that there was always something more to my anxiety.
I am sorry you've been struggling with the school anxiety ( I dont know how else to put it), sending you lots of care and support for tomorrow

[rainydiary]

I'm glad that article was useful to others too.  I have been feeling mildly triggered all day because I posted another thread about the article in the "wrong" spot on the site.  I am still working to accept myself when I make mistakes.   

Today actually went better than I had thought it would.  My husband and I had some time apart which I think helped a lot.  It wasn't super long but long enough that I could do a few things for myself.  While he was away I realized that I never grieved the person I thought he was so that I can more fully accept the person that he is.  I pushed that need to grieve deep down and it started to come up today.  I've been hurting for so long for so many reasons and I've felt lost.  I hope I am finding my way.

I didn't think too much about work although I think it is always in the back of my mind as I play out conversations and things I want to say and do.  I am part of a group on Facebook that has taught me a lot for work but is so intense that I considered leaving it today.  I was reflecting how it doesn't feel safe to post genuine questions on Facebook because it is hard to get people's tone - they may sound more harsh in writing than they would in person...but also I see it through the lens of trauma.  The particular thread I am thinking of was triggering for folks and their responses came from that place.  I go back and forth on belonging to work focused things on Facebook. 

I am not sure how sleeping tonight will go.  I hope that I will fall asleep easily.  Often my problem isn't falling asleep but sleeping restfully.  I hope that after this week my brain calms down some and that my intense dreams quiet down too. 

[rainydiary]

*sigh*

Of course after I post about what a good day I had and how I hope I get good sleep, my husband and I have an interaction that triggers an EF.

He shared about his frustration that we can't go anywhere inside because of COVID and outside in our state isn't much better given poor air quality from forest fires.  I say "I'm glad that I have you to go through this time with."  He doesn't say anything for a while and then says "Yeah but it still sucks." 

Enter EF.

I normally would have said nothing to him.  But I tried to assert my need and it wasn't smooth.  I at least shared that that response hurt me.  He said sorry but not in a way that made me feel better.

I am so sad at how misattuned we are.  He was trying to open up.  And then I was trying for connection.  And we just miss each other.  I am reflecting how my worry with him isn't as much about the future but I am feeling all the pain of times where I tried for connection and in response got this. 

My brain is going now.  All I can think about now is how his mom said she has seen my strength and how I want to flick her off and cuss her out at how afraid I am going to have to show more strength when the son that she won't allow to be an adult can't handle this anymore and leaves me here to run back to her because she is putting her weird passive aggressive pressure on him to come home.  I am just waiting for him to tell me he is going home. 

I am trying to see that he is on his own timeline.  But it hurts me so much to have a partner that I have to draw any words of affection out of.  I don't feel like we can talk about anything not just because of him but because of me too. 

*sigh*

[rainydiary]

I made it through my first day of school with students.  I was surprised at how smoothly it seemed to go and how it did seem "safe."  I don't actually believe we should be there and putting ourselves in this situation but I will say I appreciate that my school tried.  We won't end up on the news for packed hallways and no masks.

I am struggling with how rude parents are being.  They are stressed but if they think that for one second I am not also stressed then I don't know what to say.  I can take the perspective that they are trying to advocate for their student...but I don't think that needs to be done in an aggressive manner.  For me it is triggering anyhow.  I am trying to embrace working more with families but now that I open up more opportunities for us to communicate I suppose I should expect more difficult conversations.

I am exhausted.  I slept poorly last night and kept waking up.  I have learned to talk to my brain and try to ride my thoughts instead of pushing them away and to say I am safe.  It doesn't work perfectly but sometimes helps. 

[Blueberry]

You're going through a lot at home and at school atm. I don't know what to say but I'm sending support and a  if that feels good to you.

[rainydiary]

Blueberry - I appreciate your offering.  It helped me reflect that while I am dealing with a lot I am also putting a lot of "shoulds" on my shoulders.  I am being less hard on myself but still expecting a lot.  Thank you.   

I'm beginning to notice the people at work who don't have healthy ways of relating to others.  Some of them are people that I unfortunately still have to work with.  I feel worse after being near them.  I don't even think most of the poor relationship is about me but I am feeling like it is.  I hope I can find a way to navigate this as it is triggering me. 

I have had moments with my husband the past few days where I am like "oh yeah, that is why this person is my person."  I have been so disoriented over the past year.  I am working to share my needs.  I also can work on remembering that as I develop new behaviors and habits he will need time to respond differently too. 

I am still waiting for the results of my COVID test.  I thought I would have heard by now and it is stressing me out.  All of my coworkers have tested negative so I imagine I will too but my brain can't let the fact that I haven't heard yet go.

I have a dermatologist appointment tomorrow which I am not looking to.  I hope that I can find some ease this week.