Rainy Journal

[rainydiary]

I received a negative result for the COVID test and had an informative dermatologist visit.  I have to go to the dentist soon and then hopefully I can take a break from health/medical visits for a while.

I am noticing how bad I feel after work today.  I have fallen into some venting loops at work and it isn't feel good.  It is slowly creeping into saying things just to fit in and I don't want that happen.  I notice that the people that are supposed to help me deal with challenges are getting "too busy to care" - they don't say that but that is what their gaslighting of issues I raise is saying.  I think that may be why I am trying to relate through the venting - I am starting to feel on the outside again.  I also had to set a boundary with a work friend who has not tried to communicate with me at all for weeks until today.  I think this person and I just have different expectations of a friendship and I am not sure how to act right now.

I am just now becoming more aware of dissociation and gaslighting in my life.  I am going to explore these further when I have more energy.  There are so many layers to explore. 

[marta1234]

  I am sorry Rainydiary that those friends are gaslighting you and that you feel on the outside, I have been there so many times. But yay for you for realizing what's going and becoming aware of it
The forum will always be here for you, and sending you so much support and love 

[sanmagic7]

you're absolutely correct about the myriad of layers to explore, rainy.  we're with you as you discover them, a little at a time, and eventually know how to be.  love and hugs

[rainydiary]

Thank you Marta and San for the support.  I appreciate so much finding this community. 

I am not sure how I feel today.  I had some really positive student interactions this week which tend to get overshadowed by my interactions with my colleagues and other aspects of my life.  I am proud of the students I work with and am learning ways to be more responsive for them.  It is difficult for me to not read trauma into the experiences of many students I work with.  I would say that they actually do experience trauma and will and/or are experiencing CPTSD.  Now that I know about CPTSD I am working from a different place.

I am noticing that as I left work today feeling pretty good my IC wants to bring me down.  I noticed a picture on my husband's work desk.  It is a picture of his (really our) niece.  The whole situation with this child makes me so sick and triggered.  But I also think it's odd he has a picture of his niece on his desk but not me.  We don't have children of our own.  Which I have always believed is a mutual decision but I don't know if he has regrets.  I know his family puts pressure on him about it even though it would be my body carrying a child.  Of course that doesn't matter to them. 

I feel bad at how much I struggle to accept parts of my husband.  It isn't his fault he is enmeshed and that his family is so unhealthy.  I try to reflect on how much pain he might be in right now.  He hasn't seen his family in person since March.  Which I am honestly shocked by.  I know that they are putting pressure on him to come home.  Usually he gives in that pressure.  It's like he can't fully regulate himself without contact with them.  That makes me sad.  I try to reflect on how he is choosing to live in our state with me.  I am trying and trying and trying and maybe trying too hard.

So I begin to feel bad and wonder what is wrong with us and then I wonder what is wrong with me for always finding these things to be uneasy about. 

[sanmagic7]

rainyday, i think that because of our experiences we have become more sensitive to and knowledgeable about red flags in the lives of others.  i believe in trusting our gut - if something feels off, even if it can't be fully explained at the time, there probably is something off somewhere.  it may take time to recognize it, but i believe it will eventually show itself.  i don't think there's anything wrong with you at all.  you are more aware is all.  love and hugs

[rainydiary]

Thank you San.  I am reflecting on how I started listening to my gut in college and how powerful that was.  In the past year my gut has been lost.  It makes sense since it is just in the past year that I finally faced my trauma and acknowledged what happened to me as abuse and trauma.  I've been so disoriented and afraid.  I have been shaken to my core and it feels like I am rebuilding myself.

I re-read a lot of my posts last night and was struck with all the pain I've expressed about my husband.  I can see how all those things I wrote are me trying to protect myself. 

We went through the lowest point of our marriage last November and December.  His brother died.  That experience opened up my eyes to not only the abusive nature of my in-laws but also to my family of origin.  Because I was deeply hurt and mentally unwell, I could not be there for my husband in the way I wanted to.  My survival instincts kicked in and I isolated myself even from him.  My husband wanted to be with his family for the entire month of December and I refused to go.  I believe I needed to do this as I did not feel safe around his family after I had given everything I had the week his brother died.  When he left, I felt abandoned by him and deeply deeply hurt. 

Yet I recognize a fellow trauma survivor in my husband.  I am making assumptions about his trauma and his experience but after experiencing the gaslighting and narcissism of his family, I think that I triggered his deepest down fears when I refused to go.  I sent him on his own into that unhealthy environment where he was trying to find comfort and instead found himself trying to hold everything together for all the adult children in his family (which is all of them).   While I felt abandoned by him, he felt abandoned by me. 

Today I recognized that if I did not feel safe in my relationship with my husband, I would not have been able to face my past and begin my healing journey.  Yes, he has said and done things that both activated and added to my trauma...and yet, he has truly accepted me and learned from me and helped me.  Today I saw him taking time for himself away from me which made me happy.  We can both grow in the recognition that we are individuals with individual needs that were denied to us as we grew up.  I realized today that I don't think he even has a concept of privacy because his parents were always violating his boundaries.  He manages that by being closed off and quiet.  Yet I hope he is finding some freedom in genuine time to himself. 

I slowly feel myself finding a new way in my relationship.  I hope that he will keep doing the same.  I am still deeply afraid of being abandoned by him...and yet, I have felt that way with him and found a way through it.  I can do that again and see where I end up.

[sanmagic7]

   yeah, you can.  love and hugs, rainy

[C.]

I am struck by the committment you show to understand your journey.  Thank you for sharing it here.  Your description reminded me of research i came across years ago about marriages where both people are healing from abuse.  I believe that is the case in my marriage as well.  Perhaps as you mention now with this awareness you will both be able to provide in a way for eachother as mature adults something that neither received, or can receive now from your foo.

[rainydiary]

I appreciate your words and support San and C. 

Today I just feel deeply how out of step with others I have always felt.  That is just on my heart. 

[Hope67]

Hi Rainydiary,
Sending you a supportive hug, if that's ok    I really respect what you wrote about your relationship and the boundaries within it, and I want to say something, but can't find the right words. 
Hope 

[rainydiary]

Hope, thank you for what you said.  I appreciate it.  I also appreciate the feeling of not having the words.  I feel your support and that is so powerful. 

I could have sworn that as soon as I learned about CPTSD I told my husband about it.  I would say that it didn't sink in for him.  I brought it up again yesterday as we were listening to a musician we enjoy that I believe experiences CPTSD based on his lyrics.  Later in the day we watched a movie about a woman that had a difficult childhood and was struggling with her adult life.  My husband said, "She has that thing you were talking about earlier."  I hadn't even thought to identify the character as one with CPTSD but I would say she did.  It was cool that he noticed that because it gave me the opening to remind that I experience CPTSD.

This exchange made me feel so much better.  I think that now that he knows what it is called he will do his own research and it may be something we can talk about more directly. 

Today I began facing my fears at work and called a parent that I find extremely triggering.  I think that by facing a conversation with this person I grew a little.  I wish that I could face my co-workers in the same way but each conversation that I have is helping me step closer to expressing myself the way I hope.  I am honestly disgusted by my colleagues today.  They make decisions on my behalf or say things about our students that are just not accurate.  If they wanted my expertise they could ask.  I offer it anyways and it goes in one ear and out the other. 

[marta1234]

  sending you much love Rainydiary. I'm happy that you found recognition by your husband. sending you lots of strength with your coworkers, they seem to never know when to stop. And I'm glad you had the courage to make the phone call. Sending also healing energy your way

[rainydiary]

I appreciate your support Marta - it really stood out to me how you mentioned the coworkers that won't stop.  It really made stop and think why I continue to stay.  I appreciate this spark.

Today we had a student confirmed to have tested positive for COVID - a large number of students and several teachers have been asked to not come to school for 14 days.  So now we have to be prepared to teach in person, on line and teach students that are temporarily at home.  It is so much.  I don't feel fear just anger over how ridiculous this feels.  How long can we continue as we are?

Today a coworker made comments about a student that bothered me.  I am bothered by what she said about the student and hope to find the strength to keep standing up for my students even against people who are supposed to help them.  What bothers me a lot today is that it felt like she did that on purpose.  I confronted her about the way she talks about this student earlier this year and she got really angry at me.  Today I know it was on purpose and an attempt to gaslight me because later she said to me "You know I'm kidding right?"   

I vowed to give this job this year.  I don't want to keep working with these clowns but need a job right now.  I don't even know how to think about a new job right now.  I will try to make the most of where I'm at but it is so hard. 

[sanmagic7]

hang tough, rainyday - we're hangin' right beside you.

having to deal with destructive colleagues is wearing.  i wish you were in a different situation.  the whole teaching/school thing seems to be so out of whack to me - i appreciate your care and concern for the students.  we need more like you.  love and hugs

[rainydiary]

Thank you San - I do what I can and hope it helps. 

Our school had another positive case and we've been asked to work at home for a while.  It is so stressful.  I didn't come into contact with the person that tested positive but they were around a lot of people I do work with regularly.  So of course I am feeling a bit freaked out.

I'm pretty sure the "symptoms" I'm feeling are stress related.  It was triggering today to watch my colleagues pack up their materials and leave.  And then to be told we were not coming back for a few weeks.  It hurt in March to suddenly be told to stay home and to not see our students until recently...and now we have to shift gears again. 

It just sucks.