Rainy Journal

[Not Alone]

Today we had a student confirmed to have tested positive for COVID - a large number of students and several teachers have been asked to not come to school for 14 days.  So now we have to be prepared to teach in person, on line and teach students that are temporarily at home.  It is so much.  I don't feel fear just anger over how ridiculous this feels.  How long can we continue as we are?

I used to teach. I keep wondering how teachers can be prepared to teach in the classroom or online or both. Wow. That's nuts. And sorry that the people who should be the most supportive of you are making your job more difficult. Even if they don't express it, your students feel your care. You being in their lives matters. You matter.

[sanmagic7]

i echo what notalone said, and agree with you - the situation sucks.  love and hugs

[rainydiary]

Thank you San and Notalone - my head has been spinning all day as I've been trying to figure out how to move forward.  I will do my best and try to get support from the few coworkers that are kind to me.  But this doesn't feel worth it right now. 

Today I had a dentist appointment and realized it so my first one since I acknowledged my trauma.  The dentist is oddly involved in my trauma.  While I was getting my cleaning I could feel my body being triggered.  Nothing in particular has every happened at the dentist.  My mother had a lot of stuff going on when it came to the dentist (which I don't fully understand) and passed that on to me.  My parents always took us to the dentist but I distinctly recall so many conflicts my mother had with dentists that got fought through me. 

I don't like my teeth.  I have an overbite and my bottom row is rather crowded.  I also have some discoloration due to a place we lived when I was growing up.  Working with children has been brutal because they comment on my teeth all the time.  My battle has been that I don't understand why my parents didn't get my teeth adjusted when I was young.  My mom has this story she tells me that some dentist told her they were fine.  I have no idea if that is true.  I hate going to dentists now who propose jaw surgery and orthodontics and all this stuff that I honestly don't see the point in doing simply for cosmetic reasons.  Maybe that is what my parents thought too - but it has been so painful as an adult.  If I was having pain or problems I would do something but that isn't the case.

I have honestly liked wearing a mask so I don't feel so self conscious of my mouth.  I had a good visit besides thinking about my mom and her weird battles with dentists.  I am drained now and hope I can relax.

[rainydiary]

I am feeling well emotionally or mentally today. 

I fell asleep relatively early last night and slept through the whole night without dreams (unless I just didn't remember them).  It was the first night like that in a long time.

As the morning has unfolded all these difficult areas of my life keep coming to mind and I feel some emotion stuck in my body.  I need to cry but tears aren't coming.  It feels like I am having a slow release EF. 

I will do my best to navigate this day but right now I feel deeply sad. 

[sanmagic7]

hey, rainy,

sounds like you have some grieving to do when you're able to put your finger on what's inside.  it'll make itself known when you're ready, of that i have no doubt.  i give you a lot of credit for being able to realize your sadness and let it be there. 

and so happy for you that you had a good night's sleep!  i know i always feel better, stronger, when that happens for me.  so, yay!

keep up the good work, and i hope you can be gentle with yourself while this is going on.  love and hugs

[rainydiary]

Thank you San - I noticed after I read your message this morning and started work that I pushed down what I was feeling.

As the day went on I started to feel worse and worse because I hadn't faced myself this morning.  My work is exceptionally difficult in this time.  I am not a teacher but a speech language pathologist and have to create my own schedule around everyone else.  Very few students prioritize my work with them as the things that give them a grade are most important.  Also when we are remote it is just hard. 

This is also coinciding with a large construction project the city is doing outside of my home.  They have dug up the street making it impossible to use my garage and the noise has been constant outside my home all day.  It is exhausting listening to it. 

As the day went on and I felt less and less successful and valued, my IC and OC began speaking and yelling.  In the afternoon I stopped to do a meditation and that slowing down resulted in tears.  It helped a little but the tears have continued.

I can just hear the lists and lists of deficits my parents threw at me as I was growing up.  I was never good enough.  The pandemic is waking that up because no one is satisfied with me.  I feel far away from everyone even when I try to connect.  I feel so alone. 

Today I listened to a talk where the person said our emotions are our teachers.  I am trying to find the lesson in this but think I am in an EF where it is hard to do that. 

[rainydiary]

After writing that I realized something: I spoke to two parents this week that listed all the deficits they see in their kid and what they think I should do about it.  In addition to all the other stuff going on, I think those conversations really got to me. 

[sanmagic7]

that sounds perfectly reasonable to me, rainy. they may have triggered you to remember hearing deficits about yourself.  sucks, but maybe a good realization for yourself that you can eventually face and resolve for yourself.  i hope so.

yeah, noisy construction work can be wearing, for sure.  plus, when it's interfering w/ your own needs, like using your garage, i think it's a double whammy.

i've never really had exposure to the goings on of a speech pathologist, but language is so important - how we are able to express ourselves to others makes a definite impression on people.  i think your work is something extremely valuable.  i don't think enough credit is given to those who work in the peripheral jobs of education.  getting grades is important, but there's so much more to education than that. 

and i say 'pooh!' to those ICr and OC voices.  they never took the time to look at, see, and hear you.  would it help to write those lists down, get them out of you?  not necessarily here, if you don't want to, but on paper, something you can look at and see for what they are - a bunch of hot air.  then, you can tear them to shreds, show your own power over them, maybe write down the reality of you compared to what you were told.  just a thought. personally,  i think you're plenty good enough. 

and, if those tears contain the poison of those messages, i think it's a good thing to let them drain it out of you.  you don't need that.

love and a hug filled with positive truths about you.

[rainydiary]

Thank you for all of these thoughts San!  I think this post will be a reflection on what you offered and what I've been thinking about since yesterday. 

This week was too much in general and I see how many things actually happened that were triggering and I wasn't necessarily picking up on.  So my IC and OC started in because I was overwhelmed and blaming myself. 

I have learned to journal about these things and I don't actually believe what my IC/OC say.  I think my struggle right now is just with the awareness of all these things - of my triggers, of my IC, of my OC.  It is so overwhelming.  But I learned areas where I can try to insert some self care before and after and see how that goes. 

I am also really struggling with getting my voice heard.  One off my superpowers is as an observer.  I think I tend to stay in my role as an observer and am not always sure how to assert myself.  Some of my pain this week is that I have been trying to assert and still feel unheard.  Or told that my experience is wrong or I'm not understanding. 

Another superpower is that I create space for my students to be themselves and explore their own communication.  My pain this week is also that when I am triggered, I get stuck and am not able to give students tools to help them assert themselves in the word.  Just hearing them out isn't always enough.  So then I feel like a failure.

I have never identified with the word advocate.  But I am one.  I am hoping to grow my advocacy skills both for myself and for my students.  This is going to be hard but I am really tired of feeling so bad about myself for things that weren't my fault and I am tired of watching adults do things to students that may result in them having their own CPTSD to manage. 

I want things to change much faster than they will.  I can see how they are changing for me which is good.  It is just very difficult too and I think there will be weeks (or longer....) where it just doesn't feel great.  Healing hurts too.  I am trying to move toward what I hope to carry with me moving forward. 

[sanmagic7]

it totally sucks when, no matter how hard we try, no matter how much progress we think we're making (such as your go at asserting yourself), the people around us continue to ignore, dismiss, deny us.  i've come to the realization that there have been many people in my life, especially my ex and my D1, who simply, for whatever reason, either refuse to hear me, or don't have the capability of doing so.  it took me a long time to get to that, but it also helped free me from beating myself up or continually asking myself if i said it correctly, said enough, said too much, didn't use the right inflection - and on and on.

talk about an inner battle!  when i allowed that i am not always going to get the response i want from certain people, i was able to save my breath and let go of those neg.  thoughts/feelings about myself.  honestly, it's tough, tho.  we expect that intelligent people will make some sort of effort, but not all of them will.  frustrating, to say the least.

just some thoughts that were triggered by what you wrote.  i'm glad you don't believe your ICr/OC - that's really wonderful. 

being told you're wrong, or that you don't understand can be very hurtful and cause a lot of self-doubt.  you are heard here, and may i encourage you to believe in yourself.  love and hugs, rainy

[rainydiary]

Thanks San - your first thoughts about how some folks will just respond the way they will have really struck me today. 

As I reflect on my week, I am seeing that there are 2 coworkers in particular that are really getting to me.  Their treatment of me I believe is bullying and gasli.  I have tried ask for help in dealing with them and now worry the people I talked to said something to these 2 folks.  Or they are just being terrible for their own reasons. 

I am realizing that these 2 people have become my parents in a re-enactment.  They are both much taller to me and trigger memories of dynamics I felt when I was little.  I feel like these people ignore what I say. 

But that doesn't mean I shouldn't keep trying to speak up to them.  I will make sure to communicate in writing so that there is a record. I will try to remember I am safe.  I will probably stop asking for help unless they do something more overt. 

I wonder if I can create a self care routine for before and after I deal with them as I can't avoid them entirely. 

As I've been writing this and doing some trauma work my cat has laid next to me and keeps giving me love.

I appreciate the love and support. 

[Not Alone]

I will make sure to communicate in writing so that there is a record.

Very wise. Glad you're getting cat comfort!

[sanmagic7]

also sending love and support, rainy.

[Hope67]

Hi Rainydiary,
Sending you a supportive hug, and I think it's lovely that your cat gives you love and comfort.   
Hope 

[rainydiary]

I appreciate the support San, Notalone, and Hope.

Today I just feel deeply sad.  I notice that things happened so fast over the course of last week that I went into my default mode of pushing it down.  Now I am processing it all and feeling so much. 

I believe in my light and that what I am doing is my path.  It is very difficult though when others aren't supportive.  I plan to keep doing my thing and hope for the ongoing strength to show my light.