Rainy Journal

Started by rainydiary, June 05, 2020, 01:44:38 AM

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Not Alone

I hope you sleep. I hope the meeting is helpful to you. Your job sounds very stressful.

rainydiary

Notalone, I noticed your post - thank you.  I did sleep until about 4 am and woke up.  That has been true the past few days. 

I have now had two very complicated conversations with administrators at my school. 

The first conversation that I alluded to previously as what I expected.  I would say one of the administrators appeared to listen to me but when I reflect on some of the things she said to me, I just see toxicity.  At times during the conversation she expressed her frustration over what I was saying by trying to one up me and bring up random points to establish herself over me.  It was weird and off putting. 

I had a follow up meeting today with another administrator.  I felt like this person listened to me but had no clue how to help me.  Really I'm not sure anyone can help me with the things I need help with.  I received some guidance from her that I tried to enact.  This did not go well. 

What I am noticing is that I do stand up for myself at work.  My attempts are just ignored or silenced.  It is interesting that I continually find myself in toxic work situations. 

I am not sure what to do.  All I have are questions.  Do I find a new job where more of the same will likely be present?  Do I leave my field?  How do I stay safe amongst bullies?  How do I protect myself from backlash from colleagues?  How do I prevent them from making me the scapegoat? 

rainydiary

The work week is at an end for now.  I cried a great deal this evening.

I feel proud for speaking up for myself this week.  I also feel terrified that I did.  I am afraid of other people being upset with me.  I am annoyed at myself for worrying so much what people who aren't acting well toward me think. 

I also noticed that in some conversations I did the thing where I make the other person feel more comfortable and then they slip in some insults.

I am also finding it difficult to get support from others.  They want to tell me what they would do and are not able to honor where I am at and what I want to do. 

I am trying to see the value in what I am doing and not get too wound up by others that don't know what they are talking about.  But it is hard to overcome the habits and pathways in my brain. 

I hope I can rest this weekend.  The next few weeks are going to be hard. 

rainydiary

Really struggling with myself today as I process all that happened recently.  Things that are coming up:

Emotional pain as I started working on more healing activities which I think is reopening some wounds

Irritation at my husband for always finding a way to involve his family in something I suggest we do on holiday

Frustration that I believe my husband's motivation for involving his family is about them not him and he doesn't see the difference

Humiliation at being bullied at work and not recognizing it as such

Fear of what will happen next week at work

Being triggered by standing up for myself

Standing up for myself and meeting such resistance

Wondering if I need a less emotionally involved job

An overall feeling that no one cares what I want or feel

The wish that I could respond instead of react to more situations I face

sanmagic7

lots of realizations there, rainy - well done! :thumbup:

i like realizations because they give me some focus on what i'm doing, what others are doing, what i can do differently to upset a toxic apple cart.  i hope you can find some of that for yourself as well.  love and a hug filled w/ clarity and determination. :hug:

Not Alone

Those are a lot of realizations and a lot of burdens that you are carrying. I hope you can find small ways to bring yourself a little comfort.

rainydiary

Thank you San and Notalone for the support and encouragement.   :hug:

Last week a conflict with a coworker escalated.  The conflict stems from me trying to advocate and stand up for myself.  Monday morning I have an email from this coworker requesting a meeting with a long list of things to discuss.  All the discussion items are things I may do in my job and it felt incredibly personal.  I sent back some additional items to discuss and agreed to the meeting.

Tuesday night it hit me that I was deeply worried about this meeting.  This coworker gaslights me and I didn't want to put myself in a situation where she could take advantage especially since her list of agenda items were essentially her saying I am not don't my job.  I tried reaching out to some friends and got conflicting messages on how to approach.  I see now I probably went to bed last night in an EF.

I woke up this morning at 3 am and my EF really took over.  I couldn't go back to sleep so got up and started my day.  When I got to work I decided to speak to a chairperson in the department I am a part of.  Talking with her is a mixed bag depending on her mood.  Today she was in an empathetic and supportive place and it was a good and helpful conversation.  She helped me make a plan of what to say to my coworker and reminded me that I don't have to sit there and take negative comments. 

The meeting included a person I wasn't expecting- my coworker had not sent a meeting request as I had asked (which I personally think is deliberate as I know she knows how to send meeting requests).  The presence of a third person was helpful even though this particular person and I also don't get along so well.  She doesn't gaslight me, just gets super irritated with me and doesn't hide it. 

I started off just sharing my truth and challenges.  I shared my ideas for how to improve our situation- the root cause is poor communication.  The three of us got a place where we could talk and be productive.  I still don't trust either of these people and will continue to document conversations I have with them....but work is work and I have to make attempts at collaboration for the sake of the students we work with.

I have decided to begin exploring my own private practice.  I may also switch schools next year if there are even any jobs open.  I deserve better than to be in an environment where the leadership and colleagues treat each other so poorly and where I am constantly told I am the problem.  Last week one of the administrators in the building said I am too private and asked me if I say good morning to people.  It was incredibly insulting and she only said it because it was making her uncomfortable with the concerns I was sharing.  Instead of treating me like an adult, she decides to put me down to make herself feel better.   They wonder why they can't keep someone in my job for very long. 

I hope to sleep better tonight.  Even though today (and much of the last week) didn't feel good, it is a step on my path to living in a way that feels better to me..

rainydiary

Something else that has been on my mind and I wanted to express before I forget:

I use a meditation app.  Meditation in general is really hard for me and I don't always find benefit in it.

One type of meditation that eats away me centers on the idea that "just like me, others want to be happy and free from pain."  The idea in the meditation is that by thinking about how others feel like I do, it can help me be more responsive. 

I don't fully understand why but this idea often rubs me the wrong way.  It does not resonate with me and just makes me angry. 

I haven't fully explored why.  I find comfort here on this forum and feel like I would accept the idea of "just like me" from this community.  I can't accept the idea with people I feel like don't understand my experience. 

I would agree that considering the humanity of another could help me be more mindful but thinking about the words in a literal way just upsets me. 

Not Alone

Quote from: rainydiary on October 08, 2020, 02:19:40 AM
I still don't trust either of these people and will continue to document conversations I have with them....



I have decided to begin exploring my own private practice.  I may also switch schools next year if there are even any jobs open.  I deserve better than to be in an environment where the leadership and colleagues treat each other so poorly and where I am constantly told I am the problem. 

Sounds wise.

marta1234

Sending you lots of hugs and support, Rainydiary, while you're going through this tough time. I'm so sorry that you are working in such a bad environment, I've been reading all your posts and it just gets to me, all the effort that you put in being shut down or you being gaslighted. Maybe you want to meet me at the Healing Porch when the week ends? I'll be there. :hug: :hug:

owl25

Your work situation sounds very difficult. I once had a meeting with someone who also unexpectedly had a third person there. This was to cover them, and served as their witness. I hadn't expected it, but was glad of it because this third person saw my responses and that I was totally reasonable. In your case, it sounds like the third person isn't really someone on your side. You are wise to document everything. I think you are also wise to have started an exit plan. Your work place sounds very detrimental. Knowing that you are working on a plan to get out of that situation hopefully will help with coping with things that come up.

I can relate to the meditation and it angering you, especially given the co-workers you have. Not everyone in the world is kind or wants the same things as us. I think there are many more kind people out there than I might have believed in the past, but not everyone is kind.

I hope you're doing okay today.

rainydiary

I appreciate your words and support Owl, Notalone, and Marta.  I am doing ok as a human, just trying to navigate this time.  This past week was very sad and difficult.  I received difficult news about a student I work with and I cried a great deal over her situation. 

While I feel the need to document with my work colleagues, I am also trying to consider what lessons I can learn and carry forward.  Something I hate to admit about myself is that I can be unpleasant especially towards people that trigger me or people that don't listen to me.  I think that I am not always asking or saying what I need and assume that if I tell folks something once they get it. 

I see my IC and OC at play especially right now.  It is hard to not fall into old habits of always assuming responsibility and adjusting myself to make others happy.  But I'm not always right either.  I still want to be someone that shows compassion and empathy even when I am struggling.  Sometimes that doesn't feel possible. 

Today I realized my question is: am I tired of how other people treat me or am I tired of how I treat myself?  I think it all begins with myself and I am often not kind to myself which makes it hard to be kind toward others  and teaches them how to treat me.  I am exhausted at how hard and unforgiving I am toward me.

This week will be challenging because the schedule is different at work but we have some days off.  I hope to use those days off to rest as well focus more of my energy on planning for my private practice.  I also hope I can show kindness toward myself. 

sanmagic7

i have had the same reaction when told to 'think about others' or some semblance of that concept.  i don't like comparisons of any kind.  other people have problems, true, but i do as well, and i believe it's ok for me to concentrate on what i need to do to help myself. 

i hope you can begin finding more kindness and compassion for yourself, rainy. you deserve both.  love and hugs :hug:

Not Alone

Quote from: rainydiary on October 12, 2020, 12:00:18 AM
Something I hate to admit about myself is that I can be unpleasant especially towards people that trigger me or people that don't listen to me.
 

I can relate to this all too well. I just had that situation yesterday. The situation was about a 2 on a scale of 10, but with decades of not feeling heard by this person, my reaction was an eight. I don't like what I see in myself. I am understanding more where it is coming from, but there are no easy fixes. It's so complex both with my trauma, and in my case, the way that person relates.  :hug:

rainydiary

I appreciate the support San and Notalone.   :hug:

I have a few days off of work.  As I settle into the break, many tears came up. 

I continue to struggle with that particular coworker and at my job in general.  I feel incredibly alone when I am there.  The people I thought were my friends don't feel like friends.  They only speak to me if I initiate an interaction.  There is also a culture of toxic positivity in the building I work that I am at odds with.  I feel incredibly judged which increases how alone I feel.

I am working through a course on developing my own private practice.  It scares me because I am afraid I will fail.  But it feels with a shot at this point.

Today I was struck by how far I have come in healing.  There are still some deeply rooted things that stick with me.  But if I keep moving the way I am I think I will continue to heal.