Rainy Journal

[rainydiary]

It was pleasant to have a day off today.  I got to do as I pleased which included yoga, reading, video games, listening to podcasts, journaling, and buying some new clothes.  I also spent a little time thinking and planning for working with clients privately. 

Today I did a meditation activity that immediately brought my co-worker to mind.  I asked myself what it is that brings on such a strong reaction.  I realized it is that I completely distrust her.  She also treats me in a way that causes to me to distrust myself.  This triggers deep deep deep feelings of not being good enough that I felt growing up.  I am not sure how to handle the situation moving forward as she is actively doing things that cause me to distrust her. 

I heard a thought this week where the speaker said they focus on what they lack.  It really struck me that that is how I see myself.  I focus on what I lack constantly.  I have been growing in finding what I am grateful for but have never considered identifying what I am grateful for in myself.  I am trying to reflect on that each day.  It is hard right now. 

[woodsgnome]

Rainydiary : I have been growing in finding what I am grateful for but have never considered identifying what I am grateful for in myself.  I am trying to reflect on that each day.  It is hard right now.

   

Here's to your finding success with reversing those negative self-attitudes that hold us back. It only seems easy, but on the other hand it's only from self-love and compassion that we'll even begin to turn the corner and move away from so much unnecessary grief that we drag around with us. It's harder to stay on course, but also worth the effort.

[rainydiary]

I appreciate the encouragement woodsgnome.   

I am hitting a wall with reversing the negative self thoughts.  I am seeing ways that I am still aiming for perfection.  I am seeing ways I am not acknowledging that is really going on with me.  I am seeing ways I still believe the horrible words of the IC.  I am seeing ways I remain hypervigilant. 

I typically struggle this time of year.  This will be my first holiday season after acknowledging my trauma.  My instinct this time of year is to brace myself.  For what I am never sure. 

I feel like I have come so far and yet still feel like I am standing in the same spot. 

[rainydiary]

Sundays can be so difficult.  I was ok one moment and into an EF the next.  I think this EF is going to last some while.

I haven't really acknowledged to myself how stressed out the pandemic has been.  I have been aware but sometimes I need to explicitly name what is happening.  The uncertainty and stress of the pandemic are sending me back to childhood where I felt small and where it felt like what was happening would never end.

I am also triggered deeply by the events at my work.  I keep waiting to be "in trouble."  My brain will not see all of the good I do only the things others say I am lacking in. 

I am also upset that my husband is going to drive across the country to visit his family because "he has to."  I don't trust his family to be taking care of themselves appropriately through wearing masks.  I am upset that I can see how toxic their relationship is but he doesn't.  I am upset that I have no control in the situation other than my own actions and words. 

I am also worried I will never feel good more than I feel bad.  I have moments and then something happens that unravels and peels back another layer that I must deal with.  I feel incredibly alone in this journey. 

[marta1234]

Rainydiary, I'm sending you all my love . I relate to many things, but I'm sorry you're going through this kind of thinking when at school. It must take out some much energy for you to get on top of the "waiting to be in trouble" thinking process.
I wanted to add that I do relate to the uncertainty of the pandemic, that it triggers the childhood state of "when will this end? (Or will it ever end?)" (I had this especially at the start of the pandemic).  Sending you love and support Rainydiary, and even if you feel alone on this journey, remember that we're always here supporting you   

[rainydiary]

Marta, your message brought me comfort when I first read it and again tonight as I reorient myself to my journal.

I've had a lot of days off work this month and have had some relatively chill weeks. 

Today I am back in an EF.  It hasn't been as strong as some in the past but it is low and persistent and it is keeping me awake. 

Wednesdays tend to be a day where all that is bugging me catch up.  The things that have been eating at me:

My husband drove to see his family in a different state - I annoyed that they insisted on this during a rise in COVID cases.  He and I have also been doing better and growing in our communication.  Historically his family puts poison in him about me and I am dreading what nasty things he will say when he gets back.  It's possible he won't but it's hard for me to ignore history.

I had another difficult meeting with my gaslighting coworkers.  One told me I am getting in the way when she is trying to lead a group.  I realized today she and I haven't ever really worked in the same room at the same time.  I resolve to change my schedule tomorrow because I am working in the same place as someone who talks to me like that. 

I am bothered by my father ignoring communication from me,  It is ironic all the hurt and pain he caused me and how his silence now still wakes up the part of me that wants to figure out exactly how to please him.  There may be a good reason he hasn't responded but even after a lot of healing he can still cut right to my core.

In general I think I am on the right path.  I am trying to find ways to be kind to myself but don't know how right now. 

[rainydiary]

I finally cried last night which signals to me a turning point in an EF.  I'm not sure it was the end as I've been struggling today.  I didn't get enough sleep last night so feel worn down.

I am noticing myself in a different place than I have been.  I think a lot of healing has taken place but I still have much work to do. 

One thing that constantly eats at me is muscle tension in my right shoulder/upper back.  There is actual tension but also psychological tension.  Sometime earlier this year when I was doing inner child work the psychological focal point of the tension moved.  It was so odd because I felt it shift. 

This tension bugs me.  It is uncomfortable and I put a ton of pressure (which probably adds to the tension) on myself to release and let go.  I get massages and try to stretch but it doesn't seem to budge. 

I've been focusing on the area every now and then and noticing what memories come up.  A lot comes up.  And I don't think I am at the end of what will come up. 

So far the theme of what I've noticed is how out of step with others I currently and have always felt.  I feel odd and out of place.  When I am alone I am comfortable in my company and content.  When I am around others, even my husband, I feel all I lack and I can't turn off the habit to put everyone else first.  I continue to feel broken and not worthy of attachment. 

I'm trying to work through my tendency to avoid.  But I often fantasize of getting my cat and walking away from my current life.  That wouldn't resolve the underlying things I am working on - those things would travel with me.  This is a fantasy I've had since childhood. 

I hope for better rest this evening. 

[rainydiary]

Last night and this morning I began reflecting on how much I see myself through the eyes of others.

I look at someone and interpret what I see as a reflection of me. 

It is incredibly painful and a lot of emotion is coming up for me.

This relates to my sense of feeling disconnected and out of beat with others.

I'm not sure what to make of this yet and I'm sure it is related to feeling rejected by my parents. 

[sanmagic7]

i know most of my stuff like that heads straight back to childhood.  it can be overwhelming at times.  keep taking care of you as best you can, rainy, ok?  love and hugs

[rainydiary]

I appreciate your comfort San.   

Today a coworker I share an office with tested positive for COVID.  I received a phone call this evening that I need to quarantine.  I'm not surprised that this happened, but it doesn't change how upset I am. 

It is somewhat good my husband isn't here so I won't potentially get him sick.  But I could really use him here right now.  It upsets me that he is with his FOO right now and their needs are greater than mine. 

I am angry.  I am scared.  I am hopeful.  I am all the feelings. 

[Not Alone]

That is scary. We are still here for you.

[sanmagic7]

i echo notalone.  it is scary!  and all your feelings are valid, to my mind.  kind of a push-pull thing about your husband being there, not being there.  thinking of you, sending love and a hug filled with hope that the virus hasn't touched you.

[rainydiary]

I appreciate the comfort Notalone and San.  I felt ok today and think I am well.  I will be watchful over the next several days:

Relationships have been on my heart and mind today.  The realization I have only valued and judged myself through the eyes of others has been on my mind.  I think a part of it too is that my reaction to others is often my OC which is a reflection of my IC.  For instance, when I feel angry at my husband right now I am really angry at myself.  I think I am still trying to learn where I start and stop and how to advocate for myself and what is my OC.

I am reflecting on the people I've considered friends over the past year.  They are people with significant trauma which I am finding impacts our relationship over time.  I find that I feel like I do the work of reaching out and connecting.  They don't reach out to me, so the friendship feels extremely one sided.  I am growing more distant from these folks or regretting interactions that are really just re-enactments of my trauma.  I find this upsetting and frustrating. 

I am trying to value myself and find connections from a new place.  This growth seems good and right but it also hurts very much. 

[Sceal]

Having one-sided friendships are exhausting.  Friendships, although they are all unique, I feel should be equal. Sometimes you have to step up for them, but other times they need to step up for you. At least, that's what I am learning is a good friendship.
That both parties reaches out and genuinely asks how the other person is doing.

If these people in your life isn't giving you positive connections, perhaps it is time to see if you can make new connections with other people?

We do mirror ourselves in other people, healthy people do it too. it's part of being human and part of finding out who we are.

[rainydiary]

Sceal, I appreciate the thoughts and support.

Today was super difficult.  I spent most of yesterday waiting for my boss to call and give me an update on work as she said she would.  Never got a call.  I assumed that because I was told I was exposed to COVID at a team meeting that our entire team would be on quarantine.  I think I was waiting for the information that school would be remote or something.

Enter today - I find out that about half of my team was quarantined and the rest were at work.  It makes no sense on the outside how these decisions are made.  The reality is decisions are made to maintain some weird balance of keeping school opening despite rising cases. 

I had to redo my schedule and set up virtual meetings with my students.  I cried several times and my eye was twitching a lot of the day.  I had a terrible online meeting with students in the class of the coworkers that I struggle the most with.  I felt so incompetent.

It's interesting how crappy it feels to be quarantined.  I did nothing wrong and yet it feels like I did.  I am starting to question if my school will keep us safe as the coworker that tested positive that I was around should have been quarantined sooner when his co-teacher was quarantined.  It makes me so angry. 

I felt so much today and it just feels like no one cares.  I am asking myself why I keep doing this job.