Rainy Journal

[rainydiary]

Today I am struck by the word "sorrow."  Language is such a beautiful and complicated thing.  We have so many words and each has nuances of use.  I haven't really considered my experience through the lens of sorrow and yet I know that I have felt and continue to feel deep deep sorrow. 

This week has been odd.  The time change in the US drains me and I already feel the impact of darker days.   Our election cycle has also been intense. Being quarantined is also a lonely experience.  I haven't had symptoms and am grateful for wellness. 

I signed up for a course on teaching trauma informed yoga.  The content of the course is impacting me.  I know I am traumatized yet each time I learn about trauma I learn something new that can open up my wounds.  I am hopeful that I will both learn things that help me and help people I work with.  Part of me feels surprised at how much the content is already impacting me.  It's hard to feel like I've healed and then to back in it albeit in a different place.   

I am very tired.  I hope for more restful sleep tonight than I've had this week. 

[marta1234]

Rainydiary, just wanted to pop by and send you support for the work you've been doing (on yourself and for your classes)  . I wanted to add that I'm happy you can find a word that speaks to you one day. For me, language has always been difficult and stressful. Sending you love and hugs, Rainydiary for your weekend    And I'm also sorry if these elections are taking a toll on you too, sending you much love to yourself and your parts. 

[rainydiary]

Thank you Marta.   

I just finished a yoga practice and am feeling many things. 

The work week ended with notice that my school will transition to remote learning.  All the stress and drama of me (and others) being quarantined is now moot.  The back and forth is exhausting.  Too much is being asked of all of us. 

The water heater in my home seems to have stopped working.  I am not handy with appliances and did my best to problem solve.  Yet whatever is going on with it seeks out of my range.  I notice how this situation triggered an EF and that I will somehow "be in trouble" for this not working and for not being able to fix it. 

I worry I will be in a constant state of grief.  Something I struggle with is the idea that we are connected as people and that many meditations I do offer the idea that we are not alone.  In my mind, I know I am not alone as I have this community, my husband, people in my life that I know care about me.

And yet I do feel alone and separate.  My brain is impacted by trauma and I despair that it will always be that way. 

I also try so hard each day to face what is coming up and yet find that there are situations and moments where I resort to old habits of avoiding and pushing down what I am feeling.  This results in exhaustion and depletion despite the care and rest I give myself. 

[rainydiary]

Today was difficult.  It was a beautiful sunny day in my city and I was preparing for a meeting.  It occurred that I met with the same family on the same Tuesday last year (the date was different).  My husband called me after that meeting to share terrible news about his brother.  And so began my deep dive into trauma and acknowledging my history of abuse and dealing with this new source of trauma. 

I cried.  I've been so worried about how my husband would handle this anniversary of his brother's death that I didn't even ask how I would handle it.  I think it is part of a complex grief I am working to integrate.

My husband just returned for a trip to his hometown.  Each time he comes back it feels like he leaves a part of himself there.  I question if he wants to be here with me.  I've known his family for over a decade and I know what they do.  They will never be "whole" again because of the loss of my brother in law.  So they are going to spend the rest of their lives trying to fill that void.  And because my husband is the most with it and responsible person, he will bear the burden.  They put so much on him and I can only imagine how it makes him feel.

I feel very far away from my husband today.  The past year has changed my lens and how I see the world.  We haven't found our way back after his brother's death.  I also feel like we had made progress and then he went to visit his parents.  That knocks us back several steps.  I struggle with how his lack of awareness of the toxicity of his family impacts us.  We almost get on the same page and then they re-enter the story and stir it all up again. 

*sigh*

[Not Alone]

Rainydiary, that sounds frustrating and painful.

[rainydiary]

I appreciate the words of validation Notalone.

Under all of this too is deep shame on my part.  I worry I am too negative and playing the victim.  I feel like I have so many people telling me to just go along and just make peace as I was told growing up. 

As I find what makes me feel good, I see that it isn't always what society would accept.  So I feel shame for doing what I need to do to take care of myself. 

Given these feelings, I also feel shame at my self care.  If I was really caring for myself, why would I keep recycling the same pain over and over?

This time of year brings up so much.  I would like to hibernate until January 1.

[rainydiary]

This morning I woke up and as usual my brain kicked in quickly.  Normally it starts telling me stories of terrible things.  This morning the memory of winning some writing prizes in high school came to mind.  I hadn't thought of those moments in a long time.  I remember winning being a surprise and I don't recall many details.  But this is evidence against my negative core beliefs.  I think my pride and good feeling from these moments got buried underneath a lot of other stuff.  I'm glad my brain is starting to find and focus on good stuff. 

[rainydiary]

I am noticing less of a pull to be here on the forum as much and it is making me uncomfortable.  I want to support others as you have supported me, but many days I lack the energy or time or other resources. 

Yesterday a friend posted something on social media that really connected with me.  The post was about reading subtext into other people and how that is a mental prison.  The poster suggested operating as if there is no problem unless the other person tells you there is a problem.  They found that this helped them stop guessing, interpreting, micromanaging, and processing the emotions and problems of others. 

The language of that really struck me especially in relationship to my husband.  While he was away recently I realized how exhausted I am trying to anticipate and manage how he is feeling.  I had gotten to a place earlier this year where I had stopped doing that but I think it was because I was so emotionally unwell I didn't have the capacity. 
As I heal, I see this tendency and I am trying to find a different way because I can't keep trying to do things for him. 

Today I reread some written journal entries I made earlier this year and realized how I continue to rehash the same narrative and problems and grievances with him.  It really made me see how I am trying to manage him and I asked myself why.  When I met him I was at an extremely low point, I didn't understand my history, and I felt life with him.  Yet I think that I felt his attention to me made me valid as a human.  I put up with a lot from him because I didn't want that validity to go away. 

Even if I am stuck in other things right now, I can now see and say that I am enough with or without any particular person in my life.  I have always been whole and I have always mattered.  Abuse and neglect and my little body's attempt to cope with all that hid that truth from me. 

I still have a lot to untangle and new paths to create.  Today I feel comfort in the knowledge I am moving in the right direction even if it is extremely difficult.

[marta1234]

  I wanted to send you support to all the realizations you have made. And don't worry about not posting or replying in other journals, it's ok. This is a place to feel safe and supported, and sometimes we have periods of time where supporting someone else (other than us) isn't feasible and working on ourselves is too much.  Sending you lots of hugs and love, Rainydiary

[Not Alone]

I am noticing less of a pull to be here on the forum as much and it is making me uncomfortable.  I want to support others as you have supported me, but many days I lack the energy or time or other resources. 

I vary the frequency that I'm on OOTS from a few times a day to many weeks going by without reading or posting. I know what you mean about wanting to support others. I feel that draw, but also trust what my needs are. Sometimes my need is absence for a time.

[sanmagic7]

rainy, i related to a lot of what you wrote. this beast i call c-ptsd is just plain nasty cuz it plays with our emotions, our perceptions, our perspectives until we don't always know what's distorted, what's helpful, what's real.  very sorry about this anniversary - that can always upend us in ways we don't expect.

just to let you know, the time change affects me, too, and not in a good way.  i'm with you on that - it can be disturbing at times.

sorry about the back and forth you're going thru with the education system.  i can't imagine being involved in the school scene right now.  hang tough, ok?

keep taking care of you - we're with you all the way.  love and hugs