What a bumpy road this is

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What a bumpy road this is
« on: September 01, 2021, 12:35:51 AM »
I'm certainly making progress but still find myself repeating the same old unproductive habits. I still find myself compartmentalizing aspects of my brother's behavior so that I can justify it for him. As if asserting to him that our parents pushed false beliefs on both of us that he could understand how acting on that belief has hurt me. He has claimed to have taken responsibility for my life in regard to his interactions with these beliefs. And I know he won't let go of one of the few things he received positive regard for from our parents. Every time I catch myself doing this I get frustrated with myself for unconsciously removing the context of the rest of our relationship.

I've been LC with him for a while and this has toned him down a bit. But every time I see him, his testing, or should I say pushing, my boundaries it reminds me that NC is the goal. In the moment I haven't felt any need to react to his provocations but, when thinking about it after, the recognition that he is probing really gets under my skin.

Now on the positive side of compartmentalizing I am finding that I'm not bringing that energy with me out into the rest of the world as much. And thoughts about my goals to improve my life have prevailed more often than not, if only by a small margin, over the arguments I have with him in my head. I feel like I can see the light at the end of the tunnel, I know that my healing will accelerate a lot when I am finally able to go NC.

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woodsgnome

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Re: What a bumpy road this is
« Reply #1 on: September 01, 2021, 01:49:40 AM »
You're spot on, witnessoflucidhypocrisy (ex-geopolis?), with regards to a tone in your post you may not see. If you're like me, you might tend to see all the bad stuff that went on, but the new light coming into view still seems too strange. And that's alright -- it can take lots of aimless and sad wandering around the old stuff before the light starts glowing brighter.

I think you said it well: " ... thoughts about my goals to improve my life have prevailed more often than not ..."
You sense the light progressing, and perhaps that factors into the thought that NC, for a while or however long you choose, might create enough separation, for now, to work out what needs working out.

The healing is happening, even if just posting about it is still towards the journey's start. A start is still a start, and you seem aware of the change. Though it's sometimes hard to see, I hope you can keep the light you've noticed in your sights. There may even be further blips on this rocky road, and the light might flicker at times, but you've set goals and are finding ways to find your true path. In the process may you continue the healing you sense has started.  :hug:




« Last Edit: September 01, 2021, 02:03:35 AM by woodsgnome »

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Kizzie

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Re: What a bumpy road this is
« Reply #2 on: September 01, 2021, 04:06:19 PM »
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I can see the light at the end of the tunnel, I know that my healing will accelerate a lot when I am finally able to go NC.

Speaking for myself I found it was a process that took place over time because of how emotionally fraught it was.  Sounds like you're getting ready but taking you're time until it's time and that's prudent self-care  IMO.  :thumbup:

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BeeKeeper

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Re: What a bumpy road this is
« Reply #3 on: September 01, 2021, 04:57:56 PM »
woodsgnome said:
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it can take lots of aimless and sad wandering around the old stuff before the light starts glowing brighter

And you are seeing that brighter way because you
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not bringing that energy with me out into the rest of the world as much.
.

One of the hardest things for me was and still is: patience with myself. You'll get where you want to be as long as you continue to keep that in your sights.

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sanmagic7

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Re: What a bumpy road this is
« Reply #4 on: September 01, 2021, 07:46:10 PM »
i agree with the others - this is your process, your pace, your timeline.  i think it's a lot of progress to be able to recognize when someone is pushing our boundaries, our buttons, our beliefs.  sounds like you're doing what you need for you.  yep, self-care.   :hug: