Tee’s 2nd try journal* trigger warning *

[Tee]

Today has been rough.  I've been struggling for a week.
TW
  I'm trying not to feel the emotions attached to Little's stories. I can't yet acknowledge or let the barriers down to feel her emotions. I'm very upset and mad at the fact my NM hurt Little at such a young age as crawling and 2-3 that she has vivid memories of. That she didn't protect our see her from the others that abused her at 3, 4, and 6.  At 6 she wanted to die, that was the first split.

I feel like a jerk cause I don't want to even feel the anger or her pain and sadness.   

End TW

Well then I find out that I may have been exposed to Covid at school.  One of my classmates is now positive.  We were both wearing masks, and I wasn't near her long.  But it looks like I'm going to have to miss school for like 2 weeks. Which sucks cause that probably means missing my clinicals too. I'm just done fighting everything. I'm sure I've been exposed working in the ER to Covid multiple times way more than in class. But this is going to screw up my life. ready to leave life for a while.

[Not Alone]

Tee, I am so sorry that you might have been exposed to covid and that it will mess up your school schedule. That is really stressful and frustrating.

Please be kind and gentle about experiencing Little's feelings. Feeling upset and mad at your NM are feelings of care and protection of Little. It is so much to hold. 

[Snowdrop]

Missed you too, Tee. I care about you.

You're absolutely not a jerk regarding Little. What comes across to me is that you've listened to Little, and that's why you feel upset and mad at NM. As Notalone said, it shows that you want to protect Little, and care about her.

I'm so sorry that you may have been exposed to covid. That sucks. I hope you stay well. Thinking of you.

[sanmagic7]

dear tee, sometimes it's just too big to feel those emotions.  you've acknowledged them and that's a great first step, to my mind. many times, i've had to whittle down chunks of what's come up for me cuz i couldn't deal with it all at once.  you're doing just right for you.  please, don't forget that, ok?

i hope you stay well.  you sure don't need being sick on top of everything else.  with you all the way.  love and hugs filled with health and well-being.

[Tee]

  thanks notalone. Snowdrop, and San.  I'm trying to be patient with myself and allow myself to feel how I feel, but I don't like being angry or upset, was never allowed to really show any emotions growing up.  Just plaster on a the porcelain mask with a small little smile and away I went.  It's hard to acknowledge any truly allow myself to feel the full measure of any emotion at the moment I'm afraid I might break.

The Covid thing is really frustrating it looks like I will likely be out of school, but work doesn't consider it an exposure.🤦‍♀️ So not sure if I should tell my daughter's school or not.🤷‍♀️ And freak them out. I hate life right now.
Thanks for your love and support. I will continue to send mine.

[Bach]

Lots of love and hugs, Tee  It's an overwhelming time but it won't be like this forever 

[Tee]

  thanks Bach

[Snowdrop]

I hope you're staying well, Tee.

[Bach]

 

[Hope67]

Hi Tee,
I would like to send a hug to you and just wanted to say that I know you're experiencing a lot at the moment - and I hope you're able to find whatever will help you to cope.  Most of all, I hope you stay safe and well.  I care about you.   
Hope 

[Tee]

  thanks everyone for the love and support.  I still haven't gotten sick and plan to return to school on Wednesday next week. I feel like I'm drowning and out of place with what going on there though.

TW
My Little has recovered new horrible memories. From around 6. She is scared to sleep and struggles when she's out. Thank you to those the have sent her love.

My struggle lies with how to deal or feel about the memories.  I'm not so sure how to cope with current life.  Then I get my filled with pictures of horrors done to Little that make horror movies seems like Saturday morning cartoons.  I'm not sure what do with that information.  I'm not sure how to proceed how to process the information to make it fade and stop looping through my brain whether it me or Little.  And my body feels the pain of it to remind me it was real.  I hate that part for some reason my body always gives me physical reminders of the trauma too I guess so I can't lie to myself and say I made that part up.  I'm struggling with what the next step is. I hurt physically, mentally I'm Frozen cause I can't break the walls down around Little cause she holds Soo much. So I feel like a failure there.

TW end
the struggle is real thanks for you love and support. Trying to make it through.

T

[Not Alone]

I am so sorry that you are dealing with new memories. I can relate to so much of what you said: the horror, the looping, physical reminders. Have you told your therapist the memories? That usually slows down the looping in my mind. Doesn't make it go away, but lowers the intensity a bit and helps to not be alone with it.

My heart is full of compassion for Little 6 year old and for you, Tee. 

(I will be checking my emails for your PM.)

[sanmagic7]

dearest tee and little - how terrible to have all this piled up on you at once!  i agree with notalone that perhaps being able to even talk a little bit with your t might be helpful.  no pressure, tho.  i've just found that sometimes simply talking about stuff running thru my head and body has a calming effect, and i'm able to push those memories out of their loop. 

i've gone thru so much of what you're talking about, what with these memories interfering w/ functioning, sleep, thought processes - my heart goes out to you both.  i'm glad you're hanging in - right beside you on that.

and, o so happy to hear you didn't get sick!   

slow, slow, slow while getting back to the school  thing, ok?  it's ok to be out of it for a bit until you get your legs back under you.  this year has distorted so much, i find it difficult to stay balanced from day to day.  sending love and hugs to you both!   

[Tee]

  thank you both I'm trying

[Snowdrop]

I'm so sorry you're going through this, Tee.

I was thinking of Little, and whether anything that's helped me might be helpful to you. One thing I wondered is whether there might possibly be another part involved that's overwhelming you? One that's finding it hard to cope with Little's memories and emotions. When this has happened to me, I've had to help the part that's finding it hard to cope before I can help the part that's holding the trauma.

I don't know if this is relevant to you, so please ignore these thoughts if they're not helpful. I thought I should say them just in case.

Much love and support to you and Little, and I'm glad you haven't gotten sick.