Tee’s 2nd try journal* trigger warning *

[Tee]

  thanks armadillo for your kind words.  I'm just tired of everything and trying to be ok for school on a time line when I've worked throughout this whole process. I'm just feeling very defeated and frustrated.

[Not Alone]

How can real life continue on when the life of horror and trauma looms over me like a mushroom cloud waiting for the blow up bigger or the ash to fall and cover everything and suffocate or chocked out the light of the current. 

Trying to figure out how to live and cope with DID and my life story. While trying to be "ok" so I can finish my schooling.  Feeling father from "ok" than I've ever been. Lost in transition of trying to find ways to live without trying to hide who I am as a whole from beginning to now From the outside in. How to show where I am without displaying the scars of where I've been. But when the scars don't show but their the wounds are deep how do heal so the next step out the next breath you can take without the ashes choking you out?

Tee, I have been in that place where I'm covered and choking on the ashes of the past. It is so incredibly painful and feels impossible. Then add to that having to live current life and trying to be okay. . . it is an enormous burden. I wish I could reach out my hand to you and pull you out of those ashes. As much as possible, take one day, one moment at a time. Sorry that in is so, so hard right now.

[Tee]

  thanks notalone  I wish you could too. Thanks for the encouragement. Hope you are in a better place now.

[Snowdrop]

Sending love and support to you, Tee.

[Hope67]

Dear Tee,
I am sending you a hug    I really hope that you are ok.  Thinking of you.
Hope 

[Tee]

Thanks Hope and snowdrop, I really appreciate it.

So I have my puppy who has finished her schooling and become a certified service dog.    Yeah her. But I was basically just told that she isn't allowed at my niece's wedding, so if I want to go she's can't, so I feel like I have to cut my arm of and leave it in the hotel or not go to the wedding.  And I don't think they even understand that. . 

I don't know maybe I am over reacting. I feel like my life is crashing in when I thought things were starting to look up.  It seems so stupid.   

[Jazzy]

Hi Tee! 

That's wonderful your puppy has finished school and earned her certification; yay! 

I'm very upset to hear how unwelcome she is at the wedding! I can't understand people like that, nor do I want to. I'm sure you're right though, they don't understand how you're feeling. 

My mind immediately starts jumping to ideas to "fix" the situation, which tells me that the situation is unacceptable to me. I've learned that I can't fix anyone else's problems though, we all have to do our best to work things out for ourselves.

I think your emotions are stronger than most people's; mine are too! To people with emotions which are less strong, I'm sure they would say you are overreacting. It's important to realize your feelings are different from theirs, and they don't have any right to judge you.

You were given an ultimatum. No one is going to feel good about that, especially when it is between two loved ones. I'm sorry that your family is  treating you this way. I hope you find more positive and uplifting people in your life. 

Whatever you choose to do about the wedding, I'm sure it will go fine. If you want, I can tell you what I'd do, but our lives are different, so it's important for you to make the best choice for your own life.

[CactusFlower]

Tee - congrats on your doggo finishing the training and certification! That will be sooooo much help. I'm sorry your family member is being so unpleasant about it. Do they not understand what the training entails and they're worried it'll be disruptive? I hope it's ignorance and not just being mean. If you are in the USA, whatever facility the wedding is at can't refuse a certified service dog. Just FYI if they try that excuse. I wish you the best and wave from a distance to the doggie!

[Tee]

  so tried to have the bride call me instead her mom called me.  I called her back and she basically told me she wasn't trained because she still nips, (well she's just barely 4 months and is teething)  and then shamed me saying that if I can go to work for 12 hours then why can't I go to a half hour wedding with family with out a dog.  I tried to say I take her to church and restaurants and pretty much everywhere with me and she doesn't bark and is fine. And by October she will be 4 months older and she has a job that she does for me. And she just coming back to she can be in the hotel just not at the hotel. And I tried to explain that she is trained to do something for me and she said no she's not. Then I lost it and started swearing at her and hung up I can't argue with ignorance. You wouldn't ask a diabetic to leave their insulin pump in the freaking hotel room. What the heck.

[Snowdrop]

Oh that's just . She just doesn't get it, does she.

Everything you said was perfectly reasonable. I think her mind was already made up, and there wasn't anything you could say to change it.

I think you did well contacting her and trying to get it sorted, and it's wonderful news that your puppy has graduated.

Hugs to you, Tee.

[Armee]

  Hi Tee. I'm sorry about the rude treatment and just really lack of understanding from family about the puppy and your symptoms. 

[sanmagic7]

hey, tee,

congrats on all the progress with your pup.  and, i loved what you said about expecting a diabetic to leave their insulin behind.  great analogy. 

sorry i haven't been here lately.  hopefully, the largest part of the nightmare i've been living thru is behind me, and i have some energy both for myself and others.  you're always in my heart, tho, i hope you know that.  sending love and a hug filled with doggy poo for those insensitive people you've been dealing with.   

[Tee]

  thanks everyone trying to decide what to do about the wedding. Can't go with the dog. So  have to decide to go out not.

Visiting a friend in hometown where 90% of trauma took place.  Struggling to stay present. Here to help friend cause her husband died. But forgot to think about location and triggers.

Here now have been thinking for the last couple of weeks about reporting the abuse crap that took place when I was 15. There is no Statue of limitations so I can but I'm not sure.  There's a lot to think about

[Armee]

 

That's a lot. Supporting a grieving friend. Back around trauma triggers. Thinking about filing an abuse report. Trying to figure out whether to go to the wedding.

Not that it is easy to figure out but someone wise tells me to do the kindest thing for Armee when making decisions. Sometimes what that is isn't very obvious but it's a good guiding principal. And having to be respectful of where I am at and how triggered I am and what the costs may be to my functioning. Perhaps if the wedding isn't too far away there's a compromise to go for just a short bit in a way that protects you from a lot of damage and sends the message that you are not able to do more without your supports. But if this will be used as "proof" later by these family members that you don't need your supports then I'd maybe be inclined to hold my ground.

Take whatever time you need to decide on reporting. That's a really tough decision to make and one with repercussions all around. It's courageous of you to even be thinking of doing that. 

[Tee]

  thanks Armee I appreciate your kind words and support.