Agoraphobia and Quarantine

[Eris]

I think I've had a tendency to "hole up" for most of my life. My mother was agoraphobic, and I definitely have the tendency to act in agoraphobic ways. When I began seeing a PSY early spring the goal was to address the growing agoraphobic tendencies, along with my depression, anxiety, and debilitating responses to being triggered. Then the quarantine happened. And even though places are opening up again, I feel even less safe going out then I did before. Even practicing social distancing and wearing a mask. Where we live people are not very disciplined about the suggested safety measures. Not being able to see people's full faces can be scary to me. On a positive note I've been cooking a lot more, and we have been lucky to be able to economically weather the pandemic. It is nice to dive into a skill that I haven't used in years, and that bolsters my self esteem along with getting a lot of loving response from my spouse.

The quarantine isn't about me. I do not want to be narcissistic about it. And no timing would be great for anyone. It just really sucks that after 46 years, and having cut out the chaos and abusers in my life and finally ready to live that circumstances beyond my control have made it so I'm susceptible to being stuck in patterns or even creating more dysfunctional patterns. Like now I have a valid reason to not go out.

And even though I do not talk to anyone from my past or even people that are in touch or related to my abusers, somehow the daily news... Trump... etc makes me feel like I'm still stuck in the past. We do not watch Trump's speeches and I mostly read the news. I can't really get a hold on how responsible I need to be especially about local news and needing to be informed enough to protect myself and make responsible decisions. I tuned out the "news" for a good part of my life. It was just the best that I could do being the rambling and roving open wound that I am. Now I'm feeling held hostage to news that doesn't seem to ever be given in full - it feels a lot like being trapped in my old family home.

I read an article that Kizzie posted about the effects of the pandemic and how it affects people with C-PTSD. It was really helpful. I have watched movies like "Contagion" and "World War Z" for years now. Almost like a doomsday prepper. When the pandemic happened, I was like "Of Course." Because Of Course I have been waiting for all of the shoes to drop and the sky to fall for decades. I did feel a sense of relief, like at least disaster has a name and it is finally here. I felt really lucky that I wasn't trapped by my DNA FOO during this time. But Trump and chaos have been pretty apt fill-ins for what I felt I emptied out.

And it is odd, because while I'm comfortable staying at home I'm also pissed that something that used to be my choice now is not. It seems childish or immature. It is confusing and definitely has made me look at my control issues. I'm kind of pissed that what used to be "feeling safe in my home" is now sort of messed up by being "stuck in my home." It is a really mind F.

I hope that others are staying safe, sheltered from their abusers at this time, and able to find peace.