Different parts

[Bella]

Lately I've read a lot about dissociation and the feeling of having a fractured personality or soul. I can see I'm not the only one on this forum that can relate to that feeling.

But I was wondering, can anyone relate to having parts that really messes up everything when it comes to the healing process? Obviously I want to get better, function better in my life. But these parts seem to think selfdestruction is the way to go! I know which step I should take, at least some, in order to start on my healing journey, but I just can't get myself to do it. I have a clear sensation that my very fragile 5 year old me is terrified of becoming better, cause anything unknown is terrifying. And the prospect of having all the demands of life on our shoulders again, is very anxiety provoking.
There also seem to be a very defiant part, that just simply won't do what is required to become better... I have no idea why!
How can one get on with life, when these two (or more) parts makes such a big deal of sabotaging every feeble attempt?

[owl25]

I can relate to a lot of what you wrote. I am struggling with the same thing right now. There's a part of me that is fighting change tooth and nail, and has been for a very long time. I don't have any answers but hoping for some insight from others as well.

[Bach]

Thank you for writing this post, Bella. I have no answers but I have been dealing with exactly what you describe lately and it's always a relief when someone can put it into words so I know it's not just me.

[Jazzy]

Sorry to hear you all are struggling with this. But, it is good that you've identified and acknowledged it. That's the start, right?

I'm not really sure where I am on this. I've gotten a lot better recently, but part of me doesn't want to get too much better. I don't know if I can handle all the responsibility of normal adult life, and most of me doesn't want to. Like Bella says, it is very anxiety provoking.

I was really stuck for some years, and looking back, the best thing I can think of is that the healing journey has a lot of paths, and it can be good to try a different one when the normal things aren't working. Just for some examples, there is therapy, medication, self care, diet, exercise, sleep hygiene, personal hygiene, productivity, who you are/are not in contact with, daily routine, living conditions. All of this stuff works together to make up who we are.

Everyone is different, but for me personally, changing who was in my life, diet, and medication were a big help.

I know it doesn't really explain the sabotaging, but maybe just being aware of that happening will help. Just keep trying, and again, when the way things are, aren't working, do your best to change something, preferably something new.

All the best, I hope you all feel better soon.

[Not Alone]

I have been learning that when a Part is wanting to do something that is self-destructive, that Part is attempting to protect, using the limited resources that she has. With my therapist's help, when that Part's fears are addressed, then she no longer acts in a manner that is counter-productive. For example, I recently had a Part who was very distressed over continued online therapy. Her answer was wanting to destroy other Parts. With the skill and compassion of my therapist, after some time, she was able to tell two reasons why online therapy felt so unbearable. Therapist addressed those issues. That Part was doing what she knew to do to help in a situation that felt unbearable. She needed to be heard, understood, and cared for.

[Snowdrop]

I echo Notalone.

My self-destructive parts have all been trying to protect me in the best way they know. Deep down, they're usually scared kids who don't realise I'm an adult and in a safe place. They're desperate to stop me remembering or feeling things that they think might hurt me, or that I might not be able to cope with.

Communicating with these parts with kindness and compassion and has been immensely helpful to me. It's been a big part of the healing process. Many of the parts who were destructive have felt able to stand down from their destructive behaviours, and find new, helpful roles.

[Bella]

Thank you all for responding. Appreciate it a lot!
Yes I do believe parts of me really struggle to keep me away from the stress I've experienced when I had a job. And this is not the "normal" stress most people encounter in a work situation. I think I've basically always gone off to work feeling inferior and not good enough. The struggle got worse and worse, and startet to affect my ability to consentrate and remember things.. Not good, as I worked in a field where a single mistake could have serious consequences for another humanbeing. Every day I worked with my shoulders touching my ears, just terrified I'd make a mistake!
Think my parts tries to protect me from experiencing that again.

Someone suggested I should start my journey by learning to love myself... how that can come about, I have no idea...

[dreamriver]

Wow, I woke up this morning thinking about this thing exactly. Can relate... so much.

I've had some real struggle "cutting through the fear" as I call it. I know the fear is not typical in those without CPTSD, and that's something that's really helped me put things into context (although it can sometimes sadden me to realize how fractured I really am). I see that other people can and do accomplish what I want to accomplish, and I know that I can do ir, too - it's just that I have to learn how to silence the voices that wish to protect me from the harms of my past.

Like you, Bella, I'm in a line of work that if I mess up it could be really, really bad. The stress can be deafening! It's so hard to remind myself that I CAN handle it sometimes, that it's just feelings and my protectors getting in the way.

A year or so ago the stresses of daily life made me want to run and hide in a safe hidey hole somewhere. I just wanted to collapse and dissociate. And it was because those voices had completely consumed me, without me even knowing. Awareness is the first step towards differentiating from them!

I have little to offer in terms of advice... what's helped me lately though is "playing" with my inner child parts of myself, and helping them feel safe and strong in between bouts of stress. I tried to think of what I loved to do as a kid that I didn't get enough of, and which brings the child in me joy (funnily the answer is playing certain videogames) and that's been really, really good.

I follow what makes me feel good, and I think it's helping me open up and branch out to more resilient coping methods, a feeling of safety and confidence, and feeling more "protected" from stress even in the moment, if that makes sense.