Staring down the barrel of abandonment

[RiverRabbit]

She's had it... this is too much.

Too many times I have failed her.  Too many times she needed support, and from my pit of self-hatred, I came up short.

And she said she is thinking of leaving, and the kids are coming with her.

And if she does, I will be completely alone.  And this thought looms over me.

There is no family to fall back on... there are no friends to confide in... there is only the void, saying, "Welcome home!"

I am, again, that seven-year-old, playing in the woods, feeling abandoned... knowing there is no hope.  Unable to tell anyone what just happened... unable to form a concept of it.

I am small... insignificant... unworthy of love.

If she leaves, I hope she will find someone better.

If she leaves me... as I fade... I hope she never looks back.

[Three Roses]

 

[Snowdrop]

Sending you hugs, RiverRabbit, if they're welcome.

[Tee]

  hang in there remember to breathe

[owl25]

I was in similar shoes at one point. I know the terror that comes with this. 

[RiverRabbit]

Thanks for your responses.

And yes, Snowdrop, they are welcome... I've been getting better on that front.

I feel like I am teetering on the edge of a cliff.  I do not want to go into that dark place... have not been there for many years.  I get very impulsive, dark, unpredictable.

... just breathing for now.