CelloRain’s Journal

[CelloRain]

I have a tired mind. One moment I love people and love being around people. The next moment I've been hurt somehow and now hate people and my life. One moment I feel like I can deal with my marriage and that it's actually ok. The next moment I feel utterly unknown by my spouse and wonder if I should stay married.

I wish that I could rest in something...knowing that life is good and I can coast through life a little bit.

No coasting. Ever. Exhausting. All the time.

[CelloRain]

Another sleepless night. I embarrassingly have to admit how many times I look at this forum to see if anyone has responded to my entry. It's not like anything I said was earth shattering or deep. But, maybe it was like I was wondering if I would be noticed. Maybe there's a part of me that thinks "See, even in a forum about my supposed diagnosis, people still don't notice me". Please, I hope no one responds to me out of pity. Or maybe that is what I want...to be noticed if only out of pity...that's something, right? It just seems like I have no voice anywhere.

[marta1234]

I wanted to come by and say that you’re not alone in thinking this. You can skip this if I’m crossing the line.
I’ve had these thoughts many times, and it brings me lots of shame when I think of it. Because for me, I feel like I’m too needy and shouldn’t be, but then another part of me feels that I at least should have some recognition because of the silence that I’ve lived for my whole life. In any case, I see this voice as my inner critic, trying to find something wrong in this. So I put it aside.

I don’t know if this helps, I just wanted to assure you that probably many of us have these thoughts and worries. Personally, I know that many people read my entries and I know that I’m getting a lot of support even if there is no written response. I see this as a community, and just being included here and my own space helps me a lot.
So sending you lots of support.

[Not Alone]

But, maybe it was like I was wondering if I would be noticed.

I think everyone has the need to be seen and heard. Those of us who were hurt and unseen in childhood have greater need to be seen.

[Jazzy]

Sorry to hear you haven't been sleeping well lately, I've been struggling with that too.

Notalone and Marta both make good points. We all have a need to be seen/heard/included, and I'm sure that being seen and included here is especially important to a lot of us. I know it has been to me, and even though I've been here off and on for 3 years, I always hope someone at least leaves me a reply!

Sorry I haven't been very good at replying myself. I've wanted to post a lot more than I have been, but I'm struggling myself.

Anyway, take care, and I hope you get some rest soon.

[CelloRain]

I'm sorry everyone... I let my issues blind me to the fact of how much we're all going through. While I kept checking back to see if anyone replied to mine, I didn't reply to anyone else.....kind of hypocritical of me.

[owl25]

Hi CelloRain, we're all hurting, for the same basic reason - we weren't visible or heard as children. We are so desperate to be seen and heard and for validation. I am the same way, hoping for responses and disappointed when there aren't any. I am struggling more at the moment, so responding to others feels a lot more difficult than when I was doing better. You're not being hypocritical. When we're in this much pain, it's hard to see beyond it. It's okay.

I experience the same flip flopping that you described in your original post. I am fine when everything is ok, but then something happens that hurts way more than it should as a result of interacting with others. So then I want to be done with people. It really is a rollercoaster.

We see you here. If no response comes, it's not because of you. I know right now my energy is low so it's an effort to respond. But I wanted to respond to you to let you know you are seen and heard.

[Snowdrop]

I hear you, CelloRain.

[CelloRain]

Thank you all who have responded even in your pain. Thank you to all who can't respond for whatever reason. I realize now that I need to remember to be thankful for this place where I'm even able to be heard. Thank you everyone.

[CelloRain]

Yesterday, I was at my Dad's helping him recover at home after being discharged from the hospital. Another relative came in from out of town to relieve me. I guess I didn't trust her to take care of Dad as good as I feel I can. Problem was I didn't bring enough of my meds, and I let myself stay almost a full day longer than I had meds for. I really set myself up for some awful consequences.

While still at my Dad's, I called my siblings about an important decision so we could talk about it over a group video call. My overpowering brother would not let me speak. He kept interrupting me as I would try to speak and he would talk over me.

Normally I am pretty meek about this type of behavior from him and I just sit back and let him take charge. However, this is about my Dad's health and I wasn't about to let myself go unheard. Also, I was heightened emotionally because I had missed my meds.

After about two minutes of him talking through me constantly, I stood up and just started saying very loudly for him to "shut up". I also spoke to him that he doesn't need to always be in charge of every conversation. Finally, he stopped talking and I looked at my other two siblings who were on the call with us and they were giving the most sheepish looks to me.

I did get out what I needed to say and my brother was very short with his words.When I got back to the table where my dad was sitting, he asked me if everything was OK because he's not used to hearing my voice raised. And I told him what it happened, and he said "I like to hear your voice like that". And I asked him what he meant. And he said, "I like to hear you using your voice and getting out what you need to say."

That really surprised me because my brother is the " Prince" of the family. I was surprised to hear my Dad's words about the situation.

My brother responded via text later basically saying how he realized after the conversation that all I wanted to do was to be heard. That really surprised me that he was able to come to that conclusion.

So, That was actually a good thing that happened yesterday. Are used my voice I'll be at yelling and my brother actually acknowledge that that's what I was trying to do to be heard. However the consequence of not having my meds that day was not good at all. I had a really really hard night last night and really really  hard morning this morning. I can't do that again.

[owl25]

I'm really glad you've found this forum and that you are with us

It sounds really encouraging that both your father and brother had such positive responses to you standing up for yourself. That's great! I'm sorry missing your meds caused you to really have a hard time. I hope you're feeling better now.

[marta1234]

Hey Cellorain, glad you were able to speak up and get a good reaction afterwards from your sibling. I am sorry about your meds though, sending you support and a hug if it's ok. 

[Not Alone]

I'm sorry everyone... I let my issues blind me to the fact of how much we're all going through. While I kept checking back to see if anyone replied to mine, I didn't reply to anyone else.....kind of hypocritical of me.

I don't find it hypocritical. There are times that I post and I'm having a really hard time. I also look for replies. Sometimes I have to remind myself that a large number of this group live on a different continent and are asleep during my day time. Sometimes I'm doing better and am able to respond to people. There are also times when I'm not in a place to read anyone's post. Wherever you are at, it is okay.

After about two minutes of him talking through me constantly, I stood up and just started saying very loudly for him to "shut up". I also spoke to him that he doesn't need to always be in charge of every conversation.

When I got back to the table where my dad was sitting, he asked me if everything was OK because he's not used to hearing my voice raised. And I told him what it happened, and he said "I like to hear your voice like that". And I asked him what he meant. And he said, "I like to hear you using your voice and getting out what you need to say."

for using your voice.

I hope your dad is feeling better soon.

[Hope67]

Hi CelloRain,
I just wanted to say 'hello' in your journal.  I like your name, it's such a nice combination. 
Hope