Hurt Heart

[rainydiary]

This morning as I prepared for a run, I heard my husband speaking with his family on the phone.  Family discussing how my BIL is planning to move to the city where my H and I live.  I cannot express how much my ILs hurt and trigger me with their thoughtless behavior.  They are not well people and it has taken me a long time to establish boundaries with them (which they try to violate over and over).

I experienced an EF as H spoke with them.  I began crying and slammed the door on my way out of the house.  My real fear stems from a lack of trust in him.  While I accept that I cannot control what his family does, he has a history of making choices to appease them.  I have not been effective in communicating my needs with him as it relates to his family.  It drives a huge wedge between us.

I see how it is improving.  He is working to set boundaries with them.  But they sense this and amp up their game.  My deep fear of abandonment starts taking over.  As I write this, I realize I am still in the grip of my 4F response. 

I don't really know what I need right now. I wanted to get some thoughts out of my head.  I hope he and I can talk later about what happened without me speaking from my place of fear.

[Three Roses]

I'm right there with you this morning, rainydiary. My distrust of people is echoing thru every cell of my being and I feel threatened and in danger.

So powerful, what the words of others can do! I'm hoping your run helped you.

[rainydiary]

Thanks Three Roses - this EF is a tough one.  I think it is still going or maybe it is shifting to needing to grieve.  Running did not help much as I fixated on what I would say to my husband.  I reached out to a friend which helped a bit.  Reached out to my mom which did not help at all (as I just got the stuff of childhood which contributed to me experiencing CPTSD).  Did some yoga and cried which helped.  I am realizing some of what I need to grieve is the ideal relationship I thought I would have a partner.  What I've gotten in reality has helped me in many ways but has also hurt very badly. 

I am reflecting on the part of Pete Walker's book that talked about how conflict isn't really avoidable.  I've spent so much energy trying to avoid conflict and it hasn't worked at all.  I am getting better at trying to face it but it is difficult.  I also intellectually understand that there isn't really a finish line but parts of me expect to not have to constantly deal with the same things over and over and I get upset when I am reminded that things will return to be dealt with again and again.

[RiverRabbit]

I have had a real problem setting boundaries with my abusive FOO.  I finally cut off all contact with them a few years ago.

It was very rough on my wife while I was still in contact, as I always fell into appeasement with them.  And, even when I did not give in to them, my would demeanor change for a few days, as I recovered from the interaction.

I had to decide that protecting my wife from them was a much higher priority than keeping in contact with them.

But, their venom is still in me, and I still struggle.  It is painful to remove all of their hooks, as they all seem to be barbed, and do damage as they are removed.

[Three Roses]

  I don't know what else to say! Sorry you're dealing with the fallout of the past.

[rainydiary]

Three Roses - I appreciate your support!   

RiverRabbit - thank you for your perspective.  In my mind, I can see how hard it is for my husband.  He is put in a very difficult position and has been raised to believe he is responsible for managing his parents and siblings.  His parents just wanted to be friends with their kids, not parents.  It has resulted in (from my outside perspective) a lot of damage.  I think for a long time I wanted to "save" my husband from this.  Since I've begun my own recovery journey, I have better understood how I can't do that.  He has to want to make the changes in his life that I wish he would.  I am working on being supportive of him, but I fall short often given my own needs.  I shared with him recently that I wouldn't be where I am without him and he said "ditto."  Lol I feel like I am in the movie Ghost but his trying to put things into words has increased.  I mostly feel sorry for his family - they are sad and sick people.  I don't want to get dragged down by them.  So far my husband has grown with me...I hope it continues.  Thank you for your support and perspective!

[RiverRabbit]

There is a lot of deeper hurt that us men don't feel we are allowed to share.

Not sure how much is nature and now much is nurture, but I was "raised"... more like neglected and abused... by family and extended family that was too "tough" to feel emotional pain.  And physical pain... well, just clench your jaw and push through it.

So there was a lot that I did not tell my wife about... some things, I swore to myself that I would never tell anyone about.  And, for 25 years, I did not.

Recently, I told my wife about some things that I have never verbalized.  It went okay, but she has been different around me ever since.  We will see how this plays out.  It may have been too much.

Currently, i am regretting telling her.

[rainydiary]

Thanks for sharing that, RiverRabbit.   What you say resonates with me.  It's unfortunate that our world has so many rules and pressures about what is acceptable for people to express based on whether they are male or female.  It is messed up and hurts us individually and collectively. 

I'm sorry to hear how your vulnerability with your wife was received.  It is difficult for me to share what I learn on my journey with my husband.  He listens but doesn't say anything in response so it is hard for me to tell if I should have said anything or not.  I always imagined having a partner that would be able to connect and attune. The partner I found is hurt too and our ability to connect and attune is a work in progress. 

Thank you for sharing your story with me!