New Member In Crisis (trigger warning)

[Oliphant]

Hey there, new friends!

I'm a around 50 year old Scandinavian guy with C-PTSD following a ridiculously violent and just generally awful childhood most of my friends wouldn't believe possible in my society. Since my father (I even hate having to call him that) died in 2009, I have been showing symptoms of C-PTSD. The first six months it was all physical until a friend of mine told me that I live in a world so dark it is scary. All good, got into therapy specialised in complex trauma.

But it hasn't been until recently that I have, in continuing therapy, understood a more deep underlying reason for my symptoms, i.e. abandonment of myself and my needs throughout my life, by my mother.

As a result, again, I am is as bad a shape I was when my father died. To top it off, my therapy has been way too irregular for me to feel as safe as need be.

Not sure of where the boundaries of negativity lie on this forum, I will leave it that.

I truly welcome any and all thoughts you might spare for me. As many of you know, feeling isolated is one of the worst symptoms. I am also self medicating, against all advice, so bear with my poor articulation.

On a positive note, I found a thread about silencing the inner critic, that lead me to an article that was really beneficial already. So, hats off to everyone participating!

Br,

Me

[Annegirl]

  Welcome! i hope you will find the support and validation that you need here. It is very helpful being in a like minded understanding group.  You can say what you need to in this forum aswell. If you are feeling negative you can share it and hopefully feel our support and care.

[Kizzie]

Hi and a very warm welcome Oliphant  I was self medicating last year (alcohol) to numb the pain - we get it here. I have found that being at OOTS and being able to be open and no longer feeling like I am crazy and alone has really helped to relieve a lot of depression and anxiety.  I hope you will find that being here helps you as well.

I see that you've been looking around and have already found a good resource.  There is a lot and great people too  You may want to take it slow as it can be overwhelming at first.  Take your time and whenever you feel comfortable post here or in any of the forums that seem relevant to you.

Glad you found your way here 

[schrödinger's cat]

Hi Oliphant, and welcome. I'm glad you already found something that helps a little. I'm European as well, also from a country that prides itself on how sensible and reasonable and civilized we are. It's got to be so hard for you now, living in a society that's simply not equipped to believe you.

And thank you for wanting to protect us from being triggered. That's really very good in you, and very considerate.   

But my experience is like yours, that the isolation and the self-imposed silence can make an already bad situation nearly unbearable. Many of us have been really isolated as kids, and unable to tell anyone what was really happening to us. So keeping our silence can be triggering in and of itself. It's very healing to have a place where I can talk more or less openly.

Also, there are several people here with horror stories of physical abuse, sexual abuse, or extreme neglect. So there's a certain chance that someone here will get what you've gone through. No guarantee, but a good chance.

Sooo... hm, the limits of negativity - I think it's really just limited to posts about harm to self and others. (The link goes to a sticky post with details.)

There was some discussion last year about how to discuss drug use. From what I remember, the agreement was to talk about it, but only in one particular thread. I'm not sure, but it might be this one: http://outofthefog.net/C-PTSD/forum/index.php?topic=94.0. I hope someone will correct me if I'm wrong.

There's something you could do to tell your story while still making sure no one gets triggered: turning your text invisible. Not permanently. It's useful for posts where only one paragraph or so is VERY dark. Write your post... then mark the triggering passage... then find the scroll-down menu that says "change color", and change the font colour to white. And ta-dah, you have a white text on a white background, i.e. an invisible text. It becomes visible again if people highlight it. That way, you can be really extra sure that no one's going to accidentally stumble head-first into the dark.

[Rrecovery]

Hi Oliphant and Welcome    I understand the pain that arises from having a childhood story that's so unusually bad/awful that it feels like you can't be open and honest about it with most people.  So isolating - adds insult to injury.  Glad you have found your way here, a safe and nurturing place where you can share and be understood, related to and supported.  I was stoned for 17 years, so no judgement here about self-medicating.  Looking forward to getting to know you better 

[Sandals]

Welcome, Oliphant.

Amidst all of your pain, I see positives: your warm approach in being open enough to call others new friends and welcoming inputs, your consideration in not triggering others, your self-awareness on medicating and where you are now emotionally. These are all very good things and demonstrate you are on the path to healing.

You are not the sum of your inputs as a child, even though unravelling those will bring further healing. You are worthy of love and I'm sorry that it wasn't given freely to you by your parents. Happy to stand beside you on your ongoing journey and travel the road with you.

Sandals

[Trees]

Welcome, Oliphant     
I had the same concern when I first started here on OOTS, that maybe my experience was too extreme for me to share or to even be here.  But there are plenty of us here with truly dreadful stories.  Just use the trigger warning, as you did, and perhaps gloss over the most graphic details.  But please speak out when struggling or in crisis.  It is a good thing to ask for support.  (Though I have to admit at times I am too timid to do so myself.    )   I am so glad you are here!

[Boatsetsailrose]

Hello
From what I've read using 'stuff' to cope is v common for us with child trauma-
For me I used drink and drugs and food for a long time - I am now in recovery and 5 yrs clean / sober and getting free from the food also -

I can see now that those things were able to be out of the picture when I was able to - before then they were my coping mechanism -

I am now seeing a child trauma specialist and am v grateful for her help - we are v much working on the inner critic-

My internal world is heading in the right direction
I wish u all the best with your recovery - hope is there - we must reclaim ourselves - to live the life we were meant to

Best wishes
Emma x

[Rrecovery]

Hi Boatsetsailrose and thank you for sharing your wonderful victories