New Member Here - From The Middle of Nowhere

[SGB]

Hi everyone,

Newbie here making the obligatory intro post all the way from a secluded cabin in the Northern Maine Woods (wouldn't have it any other way). I don't think my post will contain triggers but I am not sure, so possible trigger warning to those who read this. I originally found Pete Walker's book for my husband who is an Afghanistan veteran with adult CPTSD and it helped him SO much that he suggested that I read it. Well, I'm about halfway through the book now and already have had so much clarity with my life experiences that it's been a god-send to say the least. 

Where to start...basically developed CPTSD in childhood and came from a predominately male machismo hispanic/white Catholic family who thought and acted (and still do) like women are below the fleas on dogs. Never thought anything was wrong with the way I grew up until I got older in teenage years and realized that I had a very dysfunctional family. Life with them in it basically involved be belitted because of being a woman, never taken seriously, being pushed aside regardless of achievements, negatively talked about behind my back, looked down upon, left out of family happenings, and left to run wild...so there is that. Then queue in my mother and father, who both have childhood CPTSD but refuse to acknowledge it or seek help, and are extremely dysfunctional. Father was extremely physically and verbally abusive to my mother & I as a child and was told to leave when I was 4. So between the ages of 4-14 he was gone, until my mother invited him back into our home when I was 14 because of 'financial' reasons. During the decade he was gone, mother and I became 'best friends' and codependant to an unhealthy level especially since I am an only child. She is very manipulative in nature and can be very nasty with guilt shaming to get her way, but I thought I had to 'put up with it' because she is my mother. Her favorite line to use on me is, "I am your mother so you HAVE to listen to me. I brought you in this world and I can take you out of it." Between 14-23 when I was still living at home with mother & father present, father was extremely verbally abusive to us both and my CPTSD really kicked into gear. Avoidance, anxiety, low self esteem, being quiet/never speaking my mind out of fear, social anxiety, extreme lonliness, becoming a master of manipulation, felt unloveable, sexual promuscity, nonstop partying & drug use, and getting into trouble with the law became my normal life.  I never could really understand at the time why my life had taken this turn especially since I was a 'star athlete and honor student' in school - I felt like a huge loser and thought about suicide multiple times but never attempted. When I think back on it, I even had suicidal thoughts back around the ages of 7-8 years old but didn't understand why.

So when I finally left southern CA at 23, I ended up moving around all over the place to various states on the west coast and could never keep a job or place to live. Started trying heavier drugs and getting into seedy stuff, but also started getting out in nature more which actually made me feel human for once. Before that, I regularly felt like I was completely void of emotion and was incapable of having emotions anymore.

So between 25-28 I decided to stop doing everything that I was doing before and just started hiking since I knew nature was my one true solice. Hiking and thinking. The more I hiked, the more I thought, and the more revelations I had about myself, my family and family dynamics, and I started to have feelings again. During that time, I realized that the men in my family are toxic and ended up shutting the doors on relationships with all of them, including my father. It was THE best thing I could have ever done to myself because it really allowed me to heal and grow in a positive direction. I thought I had healed myself from the past until I had a surprise call from my father (who I thought did not have my number because I changed it multiple times but thanks to my mother he had it) about 2 months ago and it sent me into a hysterical fit/emotional sinkhole/flashback for a few days. I had not spoken to or seem him in about 5 years at that point and was doing very well emotionally without him in my life. My mother and I still talked almost daily mostly through text through everything until 3 weeks ago where she decided to cut ME out of her life because I did not "call to check up on her during the riots" and "I'm a bad daughter and she has given up on me" so I am dealing with what feels like both a relief and a death of a parent at the same time. I'm having a very hard time coming to terms with that right now, but maintaining distance with her has been something I have been trying to do my entire life...I just always thought it would be on my terms. So after those 2 incidents, I started reading Pete Walker's book and here we are in present times.

So as of today, I'm 33 and feel more peaceful in life over the past year than I have in the past 32. I chalk it up to a wonderful husband who is the exact opposite of my father (loving, caring, supportive, etc) and us finally settling down into the first home that we purchased together in northern Maine. I try to get in things like yoga, art, reading, being outdoors, and meditation a few times a week and it really settles my mind. I still have a long way to go in my journey to heal and I am finally open to therapy so that is mostly going to be my next step. Some days are better than others, but I know that overall, life is better than it ever has been.

Thanks for reading and I hope it wasn't too long!

[Not Alone]

Welcome. 

[Bermuda]

Hi there, welcome to the forum.

I too was threatened with the, "I brought you into this world, so I can take you out!" phrase.

What a cruel thing to say to a child.

I hope you find community here in this forum.

[Snowdrop]

Hi SGB and welcome! .

I read all your post, and it wasn't too long. I'm glad you're feeling more peaceful, and I hope being here helps you with your next steps.

[Three Roses]

Welcome! Now that you have read Pete Walker's book, it's recommend you both read "The Body Keeps The Score". Imo, the most validating and informative book out there on the effects of trauma on the brain. Fascinating.

[Kizzie]

Hi and a warm welcome to OOTS SGB       I'm so sorry about your mother telling you you're a bad daughter and cutting you out of her life.  It is a big loss, abandonment and rejection by your M which is just incredibly hurtful even while going No Contact might be a relief at the same time.   

My M is the same in thinking I should be the one catering to her versus our relationship being a two way street, and that I am a bad daughter when I don't do the things she expects of me.  She too is manipulative, etc and I came to see she has Narcissistic Personality Disorder.  Your M may suffer from this too so you may also want to have a look at the resources/info at our sister site Out of the FOG at some point - https://outofthefog.website/.  It really helped me to identify my M's behaviours and gave me some tools for dealing with her (I am low contact).

[marta1234]

Welcome. Glad you found us 

[buddy9832]

Hi SGB,

Thank you for sharing your story and welcome!