unBPM is Dying

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gcj07a

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unBPM is Dying
« on: June 22, 2020, 03:53:13 AM »
My unBPM has cancer and does not have super long to live. I've been NC since late last summer and it has been a great 10 months. I am also a few weeks into EMDR therapy for the abuse I suffered at her hands. I am unsure of how to proceed here. I have all the guilt and feelings of shame associated with "turning my back" on her. And my relationship with enSis is rapidly deteriorating as she can't seem to admit that unBPM was even a terrible mother, much less that I was abused. I guess my question is this: has anyone re-contacted their abuser while in the midst of EMDR or other therapy for C-PTSD? Was it helpful? Harmful? Did you regret it? Glad you did it? I have an appointment with my therapist on Wednesday where I will discuss this, but I would love y'all's input. Thanks!

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Three Roses

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Re: unBPM is Dying
« Reply #1 on: June 22, 2020, 05:14:11 AM »
I wasn't in therapy at the time, and I was only LC not NC, but I did reconnect slightly my parents in the last years of their lives. I don't regret it at all and in fact I think I'd feel regret if I hadn't reconnected.

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Kizzie

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Re: unBPM is Dying
« Reply #2 on: June 22, 2020, 03:31:59 PM »
I get the guilt GC, I feel it too as my NPDM has aged. I went Low Contact because I couldn't bring myself to cut her off entirely in the last years of her life (in her 90's). I still need to protect myself though which is why I went LC.  It seems to be a good if slightly uneasy compromise. 

I don't know quite what I would do in your situation when death is imminent but it might help to ask yourself some questions. Is she likely to engage in abusive behaviours if you do and how prepared are you for that? Will you address her abuse with her? What if she brings up the issue of abuse/neglect? How will you respond? If you don't reconnect how will you feel once she does pass? Does her abuse outweigh or balance any guilt/remorse you may feel if you don't reconnect? How will your relationship with your enSis change if you do/don't reconnect with your M?  How important is she/her response to you?  Is there room to be honest with how you feel about your M's behaviour?

Very difficult situation to be in as many of us know  :grouphug:

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Kizzie

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Re: unBPM is Dying
« Reply #3 on: June 22, 2020, 03:53:28 PM »
Here's a video I like, hopefully it will be helpful & not muddy the waters further -  https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=VDKOY0ZTDPI.
« Last Edit: June 22, 2020, 03:55:17 PM by Kizzie »

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Three Roses

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Re: unBPM is Dying
« Reply #4 on: June 22, 2020, 06:10:53 PM »
Quote
If you don't reconnect how will you feel once she does pass?

This is exactly why I did reconnect. I know myself well enough to know that I would beat myself up about it if I didn't, once they were gone. It wasn’t for them.

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gcj07a

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Re: unBPM is Dying
« Reply #5 on: June 23, 2020, 10:01:25 AM »
Thanks everyone for the feedback and encouragement. After speaking with my T yesterday and spending most of the day praying and reflecting and discussing with my DW, I'm going to hold off on contacting m for now. My only desire to contact her is to give her another opportunity to be the mother she was supposed to be, but I know I will just be let down again. DW (who is a nurse) may reach out from that angle, but I'm staying out of it.

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notalone

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Re: unBPM is Dying
« Reply #6 on: June 23, 2020, 01:33:58 PM »
My only desire to contact her is to give her another opportunity to be the mother she was supposed to be, but I know I will just be let down again.

Sounds like a wise decision. I did re-establish contact with my mother. (Different situation. Won't write details that aren't helpful to you.) I wasn't hoping for her to be the kind of mom I needed (well, maybe sometimes, a little bit). She had not changed. Our surface relationship was fine, but I had to protect my heart.

Still, difficult to know that your mom has cancer and does not have long to live. I'm guessing that brings up a ton of emotions for you.

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Three Roses

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Re: unBPM is Dying
« Reply #7 on: June 23, 2020, 02:06:32 PM »
Quote
My only desire to contact her is to give her another opportunity to be the mother she was supposed to be, but I know I will just be let down again.

Sounds to me like you're making the decision that is best for your health.  :yes:

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Kizzie

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Re: unBPM is Dying
« Reply #8 on: June 23, 2020, 04:39:32 PM »
 :grouphug:  Glad you were able to come to a decision GC, it's one of those incredibly tough situations survivors like us have to deal with and there's no play book. Difficult no matter which path you choose.

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gcj07a

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Re: unBPM is Dying
« Reply #9 on: July 01, 2020, 02:39:37 AM »
So, I learned a couple of days ago that it was basically a hoax. unBPDM was told by her doc that her lab work was suggestive of bone cancer and she should see a specialist. While waiting to get in with the specialist, she began flooding the FOO (and her lawyer) with information about her terminal cancer diagnosis. Seems like it was a plot to suck me and F back into the fold. When neither I nor my F picked up the phone to check on the poor waif, EnSis finally told DW (who is a critical care nurse) the real story--basically the hematologist reviewed the labs and ordered another panel and definitively ruled out cancer. Anyhow, I am so glad I did not get sucked back in. And I will be triple wary going forward.

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Kizzie

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Re: unBPM is Dying
« Reply #10 on: July 01, 2020, 03:24:25 PM »
 :doh:   Good grief!   

Oh the games N's play just to get attention.   :snort: 

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Three Roses

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Re: unBPM is Dying
« Reply #11 on: July 01, 2020, 05:33:35 PM »
:yeahthat:

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notalone

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Re: unBPM is Dying
« Reply #12 on: July 02, 2020, 12:41:03 AM »
Wow. That's nuts.  :stars:

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Blueberry

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Re: unBPM is Dying
« Reply #13 on: July 02, 2020, 09:51:12 AM »
 :yeahthat: Except I've read at OOTF that it's actually quite common among PDs - the 'cancer scare' that wasn't cancer, at all.

gcj, congratulations on not getting sucked back in!