Did this happen? TW--PA--Suicidal Threat

[gcj07a]

The vast majority of the abuse I suffered at my M's hands was emotional. That is, the abuse I remember. But I also have huge chunks of my childhood that are just missing. I have always noticed with curiosity that others seem to remember their childhoods far better than I remember mine. But I do have one memory. And it haunts me. And I always wonder if it is real:

*TW--PA--Suicidal Threat*

I was maybe 5 and my older brother was 7 and younger sister was 3. My unBPDM had flown into a rage about something or another and dragged my brother back to her bedroom and all I could hear was screams. I opened the door and saw her beating my brother and said, with the phone in my hand, that she must stop or I would call 9-1-1 for real this time. And she stopped. She went out the door screaming that she knew she was a horrible mother and might as well kill herself. I don't remember anything after that. But I have often wondered how often this same scene played out in my younger years before I could overpower/seriously resist my tiny mother (5'1"). I have long doubted this memory because no one will/can confirm it for me (back then, F was also experiencing EA at her hands and tried to stay gone as much as possible and I have not wanted to mention it to enBro or enSis because they would just gaslight me).

I've never shared this memory (except once with my wife and once with my F). Thanks for reading.

[Bermuda]

What a heartbreaking memory to have. I believe you.

I can relate to your story. My siblings would also gaslight. We all reacted very differently to our childhoods.

It's hard to give trust to painful memories, in a sense it lets them be real. Sending hugs, if that's okay.

[Kizzie]

What a tough thing for a 5 and 7 year old to deal with GC, something like that should never ever happen to any child. 

Whenever you doubt your trauma it might help to look at the symptoms you are struggling with - they speak for what you endured and are still dealing with decades later.

Your siblings may be blocking/suppressing/denying what happened because that's the what they had to do to get through it all.  Sadly that can add a layer of trauma to be the only one who acknowledges what happened.  There may come a time when that changes though, trauma has a way of pushing to the surface demanding to be acknowledged. Until then you have lots of people here who will listen, validate and support you. 

[Not Alone]

What a terrifying memory. You were amazingly brave and protective of your brother.