*Mother* issues hindering recovery...

[Indigochild]

Ok...after wondering weather to post this on and off...I decided to just do it...and after writing it out it helps me get it organised better in my head...(sorry its long)

Question...
Has anyone ever felt as though they were re experiencing being abandoned emotionally by their mum again- with another woman who is not your actual mum...but who you see as a *mother figure*?
I don't remember what happened with my own mum...but it *feels* similar to what i *do remember* with this other woman.

The story....
This other woman came into my life and we began talking after she seemed to care about me and tried to help....(wont go into why...too long)
She told me all about this stuff as she had worked through her own childhood herself...
I had this huge painful want for her to be my mum.
Since splitting (ended up only temporary) with boyfriend...i was suicidal...couldnt face going back home (to dads)...this woman is the only person ive ever told anything to...I freaked out and emailed her telling her i was so scared and felt so alone...

i found out from boyfriend that she told him that she has *certain boundaries* when it comes to relationships...and since then we havent talked about anything to do with the situation, she hasn't wanted to know if I'm doing ok...
We havent discussed anything childhood related or spirituality related like we used to.

Now we just talk about the...weather...very general on the surface chit chat.

I feel emotionally neglected by her and feel like she doesnt want to be close anymore.
I feel like she doesnt care.
i guess I'm not interested in a friendship with her as it feels how it did with my mum but with more feeling...that she is there but that she doesnt want to see me. 
She wont let me in. Its like I'm looking at her from behind a glass wall- she is inaccessible. 

Its exhausting wanting something you cant have, and with her, it was the closest relationship ive ever had with another woman.
I know she can never be my mum...the friendship whilst painful was the best i could get.
I feel like I've *turned my feelings off* when it comes to her, but i know I'm really sad deep down...i was sad for ages but didnt let myself experience it...its too painful.
The other day we were chatting at an event and those feelings are still there...i just wanted to be close to her.

This might be a good place to start in grieving my mum..not accepting me etc etc...all that stuff....so why cant i let myself do it?

Maybe I'm imagining that she doesnt care and doesnt want to talk about anything meaningful anymore.
I don't really know what she meant when she said about boundaries in relationships.  Still....im not replying to there emails as regularly to shut her out.  i used to shut my mum out too.

Now I'm not taking care of myself properly...its as though I'm rejecting myself as I'm sure i once did...i just don't consciously remember doing it.
Im not doing any cptsd work. Im ignoring my emotions.  I feel very self destructive. 
This may all just be a flashback.

I know you have to *want* to help yourself with this...its just that right now...i do want to be healthy...i just *cant* ...my hearts not in it - im not sure what it is or why i cant, or why I'm self destructing / sabotaging.

Has anyone had any experience with this?
Does anyone know what to do to get back on track- to *want* to do whats best for myself??

Any advice would be appreciated....and thanks for reading...

[Kizzie]

Hi Indigo - rejection and abandonment are so very tough for those of us with CPTSD and sometimes  when a person we want to be close to sets boundaries it can feel like that when in fact it is that the person only want to take a relationship to a certain point and are asking us to respect that.  She may not be willing or even able to take your friendship to a deeper level because of her own needs and what she can give and receive at this stage.Perhaps  take things slowly and see where things go over time.

And last but definitely not least, be as kind and patient and compassionate with yourself as you are able to, this situation was and is difficult emotionally. 

[Indigochild]

Hi, thanks Kizzi.
Situation even more complicated....self compassion etc. very difficult...but hopefully one day ill be there.

Thank you for your kind words. Hope you are ok too.
And i like your  Dalai Lama quote

[Boatsetsailrose]

For me I have realised I don't have to 'want ' to do something to make progress
Action first feelings later

Working on cptsd is important for me or I stop growing and start withering

Can you ask this women what she meant by what she said ? Can u ask for some reflection from her on how she has / is experiencing the friendship ?
If she wants to withdraw because it is right for her then sounds like some acceptance is needed
For me I have and still can put everything into one person expecting them to give me everything - this is a tall order - and not healthy I think
When that strong bond is felt with another women it can get too emeshed and I lose myself and expect that person to fill me ( co dependence
And yes it took me to really work through the mother stuff and come out the other side before I could start seeing more clearly - I don't yearn for mother love anymore I am my own parent
I hope this helps a bit and u find the right way for you to start moving forward
Feeling depressed and in self only ever led me to feel more depressed and in self

[Indigochild]

Hi Boatsetsailrose

i wrote this a while ago, but i so appreciate your comment.

This relationship was so messed up and we now no longer speak.
She has narcissistic personality disorder, had a life of abuse and trauma, and she fils all the boxes to a T.  Our relationship is mapped out by the games narcissist play, so the dumped me first and exchanged me for someone else, my partner no the less, and he couldn't see what she was doing.
All the emails were very dodgy and i missed the signs before completely.
i went for someone who was just like my mum, and i now no longer speak to her, as even though she is messed up, she has no interest in a friendship with me and she is unable to look at herself.
She basically fooled me and strung me along. She did tell me she couldn't be my mum, but was very mum like and caring towards me, emailing not just every day, but back and forth by the hour.

I do agree about working on cptsd.

Thats so great that you dont yearn for a mother. I have always wondered what it is like to be my own parent. That woman said that once you are your own woman you no longer need someone else to be your mother.
I am thinking that i am at the unfair stage right now where i need someone else do mother me. I dont know if everyone goes through this , I'm sure they do as they are grieving their loses and the unfairness of it all.

I am so glad you have reached this point. It makes me very happy to hear acutually. Cani ask, did yo go to therapy? How did you get to the point where you were able to mother yourself? My inner critic is strong, and i find it hard to do anything nice for myself, let alone think good about myself and comfort myself.

[Boatsetsailrose]

Hi indigo child
Thanks for your reply

Ah it's good u moved on from that hey ..
It's  been my pattern to choose people who can't give to me emotionally - they come first -
My housemate is the narc type and I have worked real hard to put boundaries in and now it works - but boy has it been work and guilt

I def went through the 'unfair, grieving and yearning ' and it went in stages - I used to hate it because it was like she was dead but alive - I wished she was dead and then at least I could just grieve -
Feeling like an orphan and no where to go -
I used to day dream about the type of mother I wanted and would see women in the street and think 'yes someone like her '
I used to sob and sob and then came the anger gee - when I first went into recovery for alcohol (AA) I was so angry I thought I could kill someone it was terrifying
I see now the grief and the unfairness is a journey and without it I wouldn't be here -
Being with what is and trying not to fear what isn't -
I always had an idea of what my freedom and integration would like like and I am nearer to it now

yes I've spent most of my adult life in therapy - 1st lt was 2 yrs psychotherapy/ hypnotherapy this was where I first started to heal the split in me and just begin to feel
I've also had gestalt therapy - and mixed types where the therapist used different styles -
I've had spiritual healing and regression - and other types of energy healing

But I'd say the profound stuff has happened this year - I was given 4mths with a child trauma specialist and she was fantastic - she worked with different styles - CBt - relational - psychotherapy and solution focused - it was very much on what I experience now - so my negative head - inner and outer critic - my relationships - my emotional regulation -
This all coincided with my going into recovery (12 step again for eating disorder which I've had since being a child - and am now making good recovery with it - I am nothing less than delighted

I see that I've always mothered myself but the negative mind has really got a hold of me in the past - it wasn't that long ago that I hated myself and my brain would constantly tell me I was useless - it was v upsetting
It was as if my mother was living inside my head
My t said for me to develop things I could say and what I say is 'I am competent capable and enough '
It seems to be dying down since I've had the sessions with her she got me to see I am and have been really resilient and I am worthy
How do I mother myself -
Well I'm not great at telling myself nice things but I do do nice things - getting enough rest - eating well - having massage - fitting in something fun -
But today for the first time - I had a thought 'I love you ' which was saying it to me - and it made me smile
I haven't read Pete walkers book but I hear he speaks about the inner critic
For me what I now struggle with is the outer critic - no one is good enough for that pest

[Indigochild]

Hi Boatsetsail

Thanks for your reply also!
I have a few questions in this post, but you dont have to answer if you dont want to.

It is a good thing i moved on and boy, how on earth did you put boundaries with you flat mate??
Thats incredible!

I am sorry that you also attract unavailable people and that you have had to go through this utter pain.
Thanks for explaining about the grieving and yearning.
Its good to know it goes in stages.

Are you talking about your mum?
I have read that i can be worse - i hate comparing whats worse and what isnt-
but yes- agnonising seeing the person you wish would love yo and be your mum in the flesh as they are not dead of their own un fault- they are choosing to not love you to your face.

Do you mind if i ask you how you dealt with your anger?
did you live alone? If not, how was it on who ever lived with you?
This is a fear of mine, as it doesnt go well when i explode in rages as i end up hurting my partner. Its not ok i know, the rages are unintentional, and i try to hold all feeling in as much as possible.

I long to be free of this need and this pain. After falling for someone and them leaving (narc) and saying i pressured them into being my mum...which isn't true when i read back the emails- and stringing me alone- i cant do this anymore.
I want out, and i hope that if i do feel this way for someone, i can remember what happened this time, as i may be attracting not only an un available person, but someone like my mum.

How do you mean when you say you had a split in you?
Did regression work?

All of that sounds amazing and something to consider.
I also wish you luck with your eating disorder recovery.

I have one more question.
Was you ever afraid of recovery? Now that you are ...almost there??...what is it like and is it much different?
Do you feel better?

I understand about your mother living inside your head.
I remember saying to myself recently *its just you and me now*- and i thought, who am i talking to? Who's me?
Then i read a bit about having more than one personality / voice, and that you can have the parent voice and the child voice.
I remember that i used to talk to myself this way when i was little, and its stuck, only when i was little, i used to talk to my dolls, an they would talk back to me, saying my name, answering my questions, telling me it will be ok.
For a lifetime i had ignored this voice in my head that talks to me fairly often. I thought i was ocd.

Thanks for explaining about mothering yourself too.
I am glad you were able to tell yourself you loved yourself, i hope this is what it was saying.

I think I'm very in touch with my outer critic- i tend to project outwards which isn't great for my partner.  Theres so much to learn about!

[Notforsaken777]

I also yearn for the love in others I never received as a child. My bf can't fill that void and I am so inclined to get needy because I feel my emotional needs aren't being met. This further makes him get distant and push me away. What I am learning slowly is God is the love and Father I need. It's hard so very hard to deal with CPTSD and have all this pain for no apparent reason. But when I pray and read the Bible I do feel better. Sometimes it's best to take a break from those we expect to fill us up. And to lean on God not our own understanding.

Ibelieve: God wants us to seek Him; he isn't far away in a cloud somewhere, He is omnipresent and with it even when we are in pain. Even though life has been tragic. He gave us all free will. I think he allows us to suffer to seek him for comfort and not anything or anyone else. 

These are my beliefs and I take great comfort in them.