Facial Masks Are Triggering - Content warning details of CSA

[I like vanilla]

Where I live they are gradually reopening the province, with physical distancing protocols in effect. Our pubic health officer while recommending facial masks is also adamant that she will not mandate them because many people have good reasons for not wearing one. I am one of those people and am really glad that I am not forced to wear one for riding on public transit, etc. or I would be really stuck because I really cannot wear one. It is a HUGE trigger for me.


***TW DETAILS OF CHILDHOOD SEXUAL ABUSE BELOW***

For as long as I can remember a much older 'cousin' (W) of mine would come over to visit when his mother visited with my NM (our mothers are cousins and we have always just called him my cousin). Starting when I was about 3 years old W, who would have been about 14 or 15 at the time, would tie me up, usually to a chair (using my own skipping rope), gag me, and molest me. Because I was so young and traumatized, I have very few detailed memories, but I think he would remove the gag in order to make me perform oral sex on him, then put the gag back on. I don't think he had PIV sex with me but he did use his fingers and objects on and in me, all the while I was gagging on that cloth and trying to 'not be there' (I am sure I was dissociating a lot then, part of the reason my memories are so hazy).

I do know that the first-ish(?) time that it happened, I ran screaming to my mother for help, but being that young I was unable to articulate what had happened - what W had done to me. My mother got me in trouble for disturbing the nice visit that she was having with W's mother, why did I always have to be so noisy?, why did I always have to make trouble?, etc., etc. W did not even need to make up a story because never once did NM even ask why I was that upset...

I also suspect that my NM and certainly W's mother had some idea that W had some kind of problems. His mother would give us his old picture books and colouring books - over all of the people and many of the animals W had used markers to draw ropes and gags and torture and blood, and other forms of violence. The colouring pages were not coloured, just these torture drawings added to them and to picture books (not meant to be coloured/drawn on either way). My NM would give these books to us (me and my siblings) without ever thinking how inappropriate that was.

I also suspect my NM suspected something about what W was doing to me because after I ran screaming to her, whenever W and his mother would come to visit, she would dress me up in a nice dress, and frilly underwear (!) (I remember so few details but I remember the frilly underwear...), and tell me to behave myself and play nicely with W while NM visited with W's mother... and so of course, W had free rein to do as he liked with me. They visited 5-10 times each year.

After a few years (!) I think W no longer needed to tie me and gag me (I had given up) but he would because it was fun for him to do so. But, one time, I remember when he was done with me he stood me on a table (I am quite short and he tall so I probably came up to his knees, max to his mid thighs then) so that he could pull my frilly underwear back up and help me to put my stockings back on. He was having difficulty with the stockings - I was squirming and trying to not touch him or he me. He made me put my hands on his shoulders to steady me while he pulled on the stockings. At that time, NM came downstairs to get something, saw what was happening, and threw a fit... at me... for 'making W do bad things to me' and claiming that IF (NM still denying it all) anything happened it was totally my fault for wearing such a fancy dress and frilly underwear (clothing that she put me in) to entice him to treat me this way. It was never spoken of again.

I think W came over less often with his mother after that, though my NM still left him alone with me when he did. After a while he moved overseas for a job. I know other people did other stuff to me after that, though it is all fairly hazy, and that would be a different post.

So yeah, having any type of cloth/mask over my mouth like that is HUGELY problematic for me. And is now a great big trigger as masks are everywhere. I live in a place where people with colds already often wore them (pre-covid-19) so I can stand seeing others wear them, especially when it is not everyone, but for me it is a huge NO, not doing it, no way, no how...

**END OF DETAILS OF CSA (though some general discussions still contained below)**

I have dealt with this problem as much as possible during therapy. I thought things were OK. I had even started a healthy, sexual relationship with someone and it was going well (he knows about my past and we talk and he is careful and gentle and wonderful with and to me). Then BANG covid-19 happens and facial masks happen and I am thrown back into my childhood and helplessness and gagging and getting into trouble for it (and being betrayed by my mother for it). The face masks are almost literally driving me crazy. Oh, and even if I could go there, my therapist retired at the end of December and I have no income and no benefits and no ability (financially, physically, or emotionally) to find a new person.

I am fortunate that the government here is not mandating the facial masks. But some stores are still making it mandatory for entry. In many cases, I can just avoid that location and go to a different place. But earlier this week I needed something for my computer (under warranty) and so there was only one place I could go (ahem-apple-ahem-ahem). I had no choice but to don a mask because there is no entry otherwise, no other place for me to go, and I really need to use my computer as my business partners and I have put as much of our work as possible online to try and save the business and have some income). I even tried explaining it to them, but no go; I had to wear one. I almost threw up, I almost passed out, I definitely had a major dissociative episode. I am still, days later, in emotional flashbacks - oh, and now using my computer is also a triggery thing (thanks apple). I am barely functioning when I most need to function. OH and on top of all of that, masked people give me the stink eye because I am on transit (as little as possible but sometimes necessary) or in the store with no mask on, as if I have no right to get groceries or go to the dentist because I have a psychological injury from childhood abuse. I am afraid that more places will mandate masks and I won't be able to do the most basic of life activities. I have figured out that there is nothing at all that will ever make me put another one of those masks on, but that just narrows my world even, and I am afraid that it will narrow again. I want to tell them to stop and to make it fair, but who to tell? the person who is expert on the topic has already made it official that masks will not be mandatory because many people are unable to wear them - who is going to listen to me? And now, ironically, if I need something from a place requiring masks my only choice will be to get a friend - someone not in my household (my cat cannot go) - to get it, and how does that fit social distancing? BLARGH! I don't know what I am going to do if more places mandate masks... BLARGH!

[rainydiary]

I appreciate you sharing your story and offering this perspective. 

[Snowdrop]

I'm so sorry you went through this. It's awful. I feel angry with W and NM on your behalf. You deserved to be protected.

I understand how facial masks would be so triggering. Would wearing a visor be an option, or would that be just as triggering? The only other thing I can think of is whether it might help to get a medical note?

Please ignore these thoughts if they're not helpful.

[Blueberry]

I'm sorry you went through this too. It sounds absolutely awful. Beyond words awful. Poor little you. And your M didn't protect you  That makes me feel angry on your behalf, if it's OK for me to feel it for you.

No wonder facial masks are so triggering for you. Thank you for writing this so that at least I get a different perspective on this.

[brightlight]

I am so sorry you went through his too. It sounds like everyone was in denial about W's behaviour. I am glad things have started going well for you in your relationship. Covid has caused so many problems for people, I really hope you can build on this when we come out of lockdown.

If it helps regarding masks, my work are not having any PPE when we return, this will just be 3 staff and no customers for now but I don't think we'll be required to wear them. I've spoken to a few people and we all agree they are hard to breathe in, so I think there will be various issues trying to make this mandatory. 

Hope this helps in some way. If it's okay to give you a virtual hug 

[I like vanilla]

Thank you everyone for the kind words and support. I am just beginning to feel better from last week's facial mask trigger session. I had some different trouble with my computer recently, which fortunately I was able to resolve without having to go to a store for repair. A friend has also volunteered to take my computer in if it needs repair in the future. I have also decided to write a letter of concern to the president of the company to let them know, in general terms, what this policy is doing to people like me and that some of us have genuine health issues and are being harmed by this policy that is meant to protect people.

I was surprised how much of a trigger this was for me. As I mentioned in my initial post, I have done work on this in therapy and have, or at least thought I had, moved past it. I suppose that is the reason they are called triggers eh? They can catch us by surprise.

I am grateful too for all of the good wishes and anger on my behalf. I have had difficulty in having good wishes for myself, which I have done much successful work around in therapy. I have also had tremendously difficulty feeling anger, especially on my own behalf, an area that even with therapy I still struggle with. That supportive people like you are feeling angry on my behalf helps the little mes to more fully understand that what W did was wrong and that my NM's betrayal of me was wrong, and that we did nothing wrong and that there should have been anger at the time, especially by NM, and that it is OK for me to be angry about it now. I did not realize how much I needed that until you all gave me that beautiful gift of having it. Thank you.