#8 - starting over

[Bach]

 

Thinking of you.

[Tee]

  thinking of you hope you feel better get some rest

[sanmagic7]

bach and tee - i get so much strength from your thoughts and well wishes.  thank you so.      

better today.  sometimes i forget how much therapy processing can take out of me.  i can get pretty tired from it, and even tho it seems like the processing itself went quite easily and smoothly, it's still taking a lot of energy from my brain to actually do it.  so, that's stressful in itself.  w/ my hub's condition on top of it, i have to remind myself that i'm carrying a lot.

[Snowdrop]

I'm glad you're feeling better today. Yes, you're carrying an awful lot.

[sanmagic7]

thanks for the validation, snowdrop.  much appreciated, and a good check for myself to see if i'm seeing things as they actually are.

well, cautiously hopeful for my hub.  he finished his 2 weeks of treatment, the doc told him he made it thru, that a lot of people don't.  he's got an appt. w/ her on mon., and he wants to get tested to see if he's clear of the virus now or what.  he also was able to admit that he's scared to go out there again, but he's got to get back to work as soon as he can.  it's tough when you don't have money.  we'll see what happens after he gets tested again.  fingers crossed and prayers flying!

[marta1234]

Hi San, I wanted to pop by and just send my support. I haven't been able to reply in your journal for personal reasons, but every time you updated us I was so glad that your hub is doing better and I've been praying that it continues so. Sending you so much support and love, and as you said before, the emotions and things on your mind are feeling like a lot.

[Hope67]

Hi SanMagic,
You've been through so much, and I want to send you a hug    Wishing your hub the best, and glad you're cautiously hopeful for him.  Understandable that he's scared to go out there again, but fingers crossed for him. 
Hope 

[sanmagic7]

marta, so sweet of you to stop by - love the well wishes and hug.  thanks!

hope, as always, great to hear from you.  i appreciate the support and hug.  thanks

well, down in the hole again.  i've got therapy this morning, so hopefully that'll help.  i got the final papers for the house yesterday, scanned them slightly, i'm erased from that whole thing now - just his name on the papers, and i was thinking 'ah, closure at last!'.  put them all out in the garage, cuz i don't want that toxic mess in the house.  took a shower to wash the closure crud off, said good-bye to my ex (among a few other choice words), and i suddenly found myself in the midst of a full-blown panic attack!

never had one before - i've had anxiety attacks, but this was completely different.  my heart began pounding as if i'd run a mile uphill, couldn't finish dressing, had to go to my room and sit down.  what a horrible experience!  i thought i'd feel better, lighter, cleaner after getting this house thing and my ex finally out of my life, but this happened instead.  any guesses? 

my hub is finished w/ his treatment today, says he's feeling better.  i've been reading to him every nite, a couple chapters, and he's been loving that.  i mentioned that i'd finish the book with him, then after he is back to work, we can go back to a couple times a week.  he began pushing for continuing this every nite.  i hemmed and hawed, tho - i can't keep this up.  the stress of 'having' to do something every nite at a certain time is way too stressful.  so, i'll stick to my boundary on this, but i'm gonna have to fight for it - more energy expended.

i'm feeling so depleted.  will this never end? 

[Blueberry]

Sending large boundary-setting       Maybe some EMS wuld help you atm too?

[sanmagic7]

love the hugs, blueberry - thanks ever so.  they were just right.  i think a shot of EMS would be wonderful right now.

looks like i'm gonna be calling a shrink, probably mon.  i can't do this w/o help.  i explained my meds history to my t, xanax has been the only one that has helped me consistently, but the last med prescriber put me on an anti-dep instead, which took my legs out in 3 days.  my t assures me this other shrink, one in private practice, will be cool, had no warnings about her.

she thinks trying some nightmare med would be helpful for me as well.  maybe it'll help me w/ my sleep, too.  my t was shocked that i'd been on anti-psychotics at one time for having hallucinations.  i don't think she realized what a mess i've truly been.  near the edge of my sanity?  o yeah.  it's why i'm so afraid of losing that part of me, even more than my life.  sanity is life to me.  so, i'm gonna rest for the weekend, make the call on mon.  i just didn't feel like talking to a stranger today - no energy.

much love to you all   i'm outta here - again - for at least a few days.

[Bach]

Sending you love and good thoughts as always, san.   

I really like this hug to symbolise setting boundaries.  I'm seeing it as establishing the needed space around you and then giving yourself a big accepting and loving self-hug

Hang in there, friend.

[Tee]

I'm glad your hub is starting to feel better.  I hope you get things under control soon.  Hugs!

[Three Roses]

I have no words for how exhausted you must feel.    sending you care and a big fat 

[Not Alone]

San, sending you lots of love and hugs. So glad your husband is feeling better. I know things are really hard. 

[sanmagic7]

breakdown - out of commission