#8 - starting over

[Snowdrop]

 

[Bach]

San, I relate to so many things about your last post.  So much of what you say about how people wanted you to be, and feeling unacceptable the way you were, I could have written myself.  I even moved to Southern California in my early adulthood!

Lots of love and thanks for sharing  

[Blueberry]

my hub is doing better.  he's taken to squirting people w/ alcohol if they ignore his request for them to stay away!  i love it! 

[Blueberry]

That dream sounds very icky and disturbing. Sitting with you while that comes up. We are here for you.

I have a lot of experience of people trying to change my way of being into what they like: appearance, behaviour... Idk what to say, just 

[Tee]

 

[sanmagic7]

bach, isn't it funny sometimes how we can have similar life experiences?  moving from the midwest to the so. cal. beach  was like moving to a fantasy world for me - i mean, i'd heard of surfers, but actually being w/ them, seeing them do their thing was like making contact w/ unicorns!  it changed me forever, actually, and no regrets about that, cuz it was in a freeing way.  i hope your experience there was positive, too.  i am sorry, tho, that you've had some of the other similar experiences as me.  not fun at all.

blueberry, yeah, sometimes desperate circumstances call for desperate measures!  he wasn't taking very good care of himself before he got sick, so i'm just glad he's learned to put up stronger boundaries, no matter who it is.  thanks for being with me, too, while i was going thru the aftermath of those dreams.  and, as far as you having that 'change' experience, i think it's such a huge manipulation!  we're much more controllable if we're the way others want us to be, right?

tee, thank you for the hug - love it, love you!

feeling stronger today, which is wonderful.  so glad to get past these last few months - brutal.   

[Blueberry]

Yay for feeling stronger   

[sanmagic7]

thanks, blueberry - just in time, too.  we got an email this morning telling us the owner of the house we rent is thinking of selling, would we be interested in being relocated?  needless to say, my d and i are in shock, panic mode - altho we have talked to neighbors about tips and info on getting a mortgage, how to respond, all kinds of stuff.  still, right now we're in zombieville.  i don't know what's going to happen.  luckily, we just signed a year's lease last month, so they can't kick us out.  still, we are financially strapped, will have to make the rounds of banks, etc. - one more frickin' nightmare to deal with.  honestly, will this ever end?  i'm feeling kinda sick right now, my insides are vibrating, the xanax isn't kicking in, i'm breathing, but that's about it.

[marta1234]

  sending you so much love San. You've been through so much, and I agree with you, won't this ever be enough?
Hope you're able to find some relief  I can hold your hand if you want

[sanmagic7]

thank you dear marta

feeling pretty dead inside, went to a very dark place for a while yesterday.  the only thing that keeps me hanging on, continuing to battle for one more day is my d.  w/o her i'd be done.

[Bach]

I'm glad you're still battling, san I know how painful it is when you can't find the motivation for it within yourself, but still I'm glad that you have your d to give you a reason to go on 

[Blueberry]

 

[Snowdrop]

[sanmagic7]

thank you all for those warm, embracing hugs.  i'm wrapping myself in them today.

dentist yesterday was absolutely horrid.  i'd already taken a xanax before i went - i only needed a filling redone cuz it had cracked - and i told her that i take a long time to numb.  well, she put the numbing solution on, for what i gather to be the generic amount of time, then injected the novocaine.  i nearly went thru the roof with the pain, cried for at least 10 min., then was so tense thru the rest of it that my arm is hurting badly today.

after hearing about our house, this was too much, and i caved, got cigarettes, have smoked a few since yesterday.  they taste like crap, i'm not enjoying them like i used to, but right now i don't care.  even the awfulness of them is giving me a distraction for a few minutes.  i kind of hate myself right now for not being able to get thru this w/o harming myself like this.  everything is really ugly to me right now.  i just want all this * to STOP!

[marta1234]

San, I know this isn't much but I'm sending you a big big hug to help you feel safe and protect you from all this *.