#8 - starting over

marta1234 · September 15, 2020, 06:53:20 PM

we're here for you San, all the way

Sending you the best hugs ever!

sanmagic7 · September 15, 2020, 10:00:46 PM

my dearest marta, thank you thank you thank you. i'm leaning hard on you all.

Hope67 · September 18, 2020, 12:42:16 PM

Hi SanMagic,
You have been through SO MUCH this past few weeks/months.
I wanted to send you a supportive hug, and I feel like it needs to be an extra big one

because it is to envelope you in care and support for everything you are going through, and I hope that you know how much you mean to people here. We care about you.

Hope

sanmagic7 · September 18, 2020, 12:50:18 PM

thank you, hope. you brought tears to my eyes - they're never far away lately, it seems. whether because of a kindness like yours, or more bad news -my head just wants to explode!

so, another death, and the ongoing stress of not hearing about the home loan possibility, and finally being able to breathe where we live . . .it's just not stopping. my d is feeling the same way as i do, and it's interfering w/ her work as well. we heard another horrible story yesterday about the town just north of us that burned to the ground. this is unprecedented, and the heartbreak can be overpowering at times.

sleep is getting rougher, too. only 4 hrs. last nite. second nite in a row. and i was so tired, i was falling asleep while my d and i were watching tv at 6:30. after she left, i couldn't fall asleep till after midnite, woke up at 4. not good.

i'm going back to the porch.

Blueberry · September 18, 2020, 01:50:49 PM

Coming to do some quiet work in the garden near the porch...

sanmagic7 · September 18, 2020, 05:06:48 PM

sounds good, blueberry. i'd love to watch. thanks for the warm hugs

Sceal · September 19, 2020, 08:47:50 AM

I'm so sorry to read about your difficulties. All that stress and uncertainty. It's really hard to deal with.

I hope that you'll get some positive answers soon. I am sorry I haven't been able to be much of support these past months, but know that I have been thinking of you. And I still am.
Sending you all the warm hugs.
And if you'd like some company on the porch with a cup of magical hot chocolate and a blanket, I'm readily available.

sanmagic7 · September 19, 2020, 04:29:00 PM

sceal, i know you've been going thru your own massive stuff lately, know you're thinking of me, and i hope you know i'm thinking of you as well. the blanket and hot chocolate on the porch with you sounds wonderful. thank you so.

i'm talking w/ a shrink this coming week, filled out the forms yesterday about my state of being, all the meds i've been on thru the years. it was a daunting task, and just brought up more sadness. i won't be talking to my t beforehand, and i'm already feeling the stress of talking to a new doc about myself. just add it to the pile.

i dreamed about using the bathroom at someone's house yesterday, having people come in and out w/o my permission, using my stuff w/o asking me, even taking my car for their errands. i finally got so angry at all of them, began talking to them about how i felt, that i was getting out of there, taking my car and how disrespected i felt (in much stronger language!), and woke up because i had been speaking out loud.

i went thru a phase of this talking while in mexico - it was always speaking out loud to someone, as if i had to speak up so they would hear me, that i had something important i wanted them to hear, and even while asleep i could hear myself talking out loud. it was weird to have this happen again, but it showed me my underlying anger at everything and everyone who's been piling all this crapola on top of me since may. didn't realize, hadn't felt the anger before this. it was a very bad day for me.

lots of xanax helped me sleep a bit better last nite, and while i feel a little better today, i'm still exhausted. i hope i get some meds to help me navigate thru this morass of monstrosity. my mind is suffering.

owl25 · September 20, 2020, 01:37:40 AM

sanmagic, I hope you can get meds that help, to help you get through this, it's so much you've had to cope with. Just utterly overwhelming, no wonder you aren't getting the sleep you need, which also makes everything even harder to deal with. I hope you are able to get some kind of rest tonight.

Sceal · September 20, 2020, 07:54:37 AM

Sounds like your subconscious is really working hard right now. And that deep down you are really angry.
Anger is and emotion that is difficult for me to recognise, and I think maybe it is for you too with that emotional disconnect problem you got (I forget the real terminology for it. I trust you understand which one I mean). And that letting tmit out through the dreams is one way of shaking it off or getting some relief.

sanmagic7 · September 21, 2020, 01:06:15 PM

owl, i hope i get some meds, too. thanks for your support - truly appreciated.

sceal, it's called alexithymia, and i'm quite sure it's related to that dream and those feelings of anger. logically, i can say i'm pretty sure there are lots of different feelings inside through all this, but right now what i'm feeling very deeply is sadness, especially if we have to leave this house. on the other hand, sadness has been my go-to emotion all my life. people have noticed it in my eyes, strangers have asked why i was so sad. but it did feel like some relief, you're right, by getting some of it out, if only thru a dream.

i'm just hanging on these days. no word on the loan, i have a feeling this owner is playing us, cuz we've heard he's said this before to other tenants. that's something to be pissed

about - playing with the mental health of 2 people who have gotten thru some very hard times in the past 2 years because we've been able to live here in this house. not fair, not right!

tears are always on the verge, and i'm being able to let some of them out during this new show my d and i are watching. otherwise, they just won't come. i think i'm afraid somehow. that's all i got for today.

sanmagic7 · September 21, 2020, 05:04:17 PM

it didn't take long before i realized i'm in an actual depression now. i'm so mad at the owner of this house, f*(*&ing with our heads like this, and so sad at the same time that it's taken over my mind/brain. i can't write cuz i can't think of the words i want and i'm just playing games over and over, tears leaking down my face. i can't wait to get some meds to help me w/ this - i'm just coffee and cigs today, nothing else appeals to me except venting it all out here. i hate this so much, hate that i'm having to feel this way, hate the mindf**k aspect - i've had so much of that in my life, it's now just run over me. god, help me to stay sane!!!

Sceal · September 21, 2020, 10:09:03 PM

I don't have words of comfort today, but I will sit here with you. If you're up for it.

Not Alone · September 22, 2020, 02:54:44 PM

San, I wish I had some comforting words. I hear you and I care.

sanmagic7 · September 22, 2020, 06:52:58 PM

sceal and notalone, thank you so much for your support. i appreciate it.

no loan info till maybe tomorrow. minute by minute. my d is also beaten down by all this so the 2 of us are having difficulty getting from one hour to the next.

i'm scared about talking to the shrink on thurs. i've had a rough time w/ neg. side effects with meds in the past and i don't know if she'll listen to me. my t said she's cool, so i'm trying to trust that as much as possible.

got no more.