#8 - starting over

[sanmagic7]

well, so much for high hopes.  my legs are wonky again, so last nite is going to be the end of the meds for me.  this was a very low dose, i took it 8 times, noticed my legs not being quite up to snuff a few days ago, and by yesterday, altho i'm feeling better in some respects, i couldn't take a walk outdoors.  this morning, there was a hiccup as i got into the shower, where i lost my balance a little, and i can't have that.  so, back to the drawing board.

this brings me down once again, which sucks.  i've got a call into the doc, we'll see what she has to say.  man, i hate this crapola!   

[Bach]

 

[Not Alone]

Sorry, San. 

[sanmagic7]

thanks for the hugs and sympathy, bach and notalone.  i truly appreciate it.      

legs are a little better today.  i should be able to take a walk outside tomorrow, maybe a little one today.  cigs are done - my lungs stopped tolerating them.  i feel ok.  the stress is still there, but i'm coping.  started crying out of nowhere last nite, don't know why.  guess i'm just sad.  i feel pretty hopeless about getting medicinal help to help me cope.  stress reliever is what i need, and i don't see one of those on the horizon. 

wah wah wah - that's what it feels like. 

[Blueberry]

     

[sanmagic7]

thanks, blueberry, for the acceptance and the hugs.  you warmed my heart.

gonna try one more med today or tomorrow.  it's supposed to help with racing/intrusive thoughts as well as anxiety and sleep.  we'll see.

meanwhile, my lungs are cleansing themselves the past few days, but i'm breathing well, so i know i stopped in time.  they're not in the greatest shape anyway, so cigs are the worst thing i can do, which is why i consider it self-harm, but that's how self-destructive i was feeling.  it was quite a dark place.  glad i'm not there right now anymore.  gotta give them a chance to heal again. 

in the meantime, one day at a time.  just get from today to tomorrow. 

some good news is that my d and i are getting our books into a little cafe in town that also displays the works of local artisans.  my d is going for the meeting this afternoon, but they'll be there on consignment.  a nice percentage will come to us for anything sold, which i was happily surprised about.  i decided not to go cuz covid is doing an uptick in our state.  i don't need to take that kind of chance, but i would've like to have met these women who run the place.  part of every sale goes to a local charity, too, and i really like that idea. 

[Not Alone]

some good news is that my d and i are getting our books into a little cafe in town that also displays the works of local artisans.  my d is going for the meeting this afternoon, but they'll be there on consignment.  a nice percentage will come to us for anything sold, which i was happily surprised about.  i decided not to go cuz covid is doing an uptick in our state.  i don't need to take that kind of chance, but i would've like to have met these women who run the place.  part of every sale goes to a local charity, too, and i really like that idea.

That is exciting. 

[rainydiary]

San, I hope you are finding ease and healing.  Our breath is such an amazing thing and I am glad you are listening to your body of what you need.  I appreciate your reflection on the idea of cigarettes as self-harm.  I think I have had a really narrow definition of self-harm and it is helpful to me to reflect on things I do  (or have done) that could be considered self-harm.  I appreciate you sharing and hope you are feeling more ease.

[sanmagic7]

notalone, yes, it is exciting.  i've been having a difficult time seeing those little nooks and crannies of positives while other stuff, like our house, the loan, the evacuation, my ex, etc. has been loomingly neg. and overwhelming and i've been dealing with that.  thanks for this affirmation.  we just sent in authors bio's to them this morning, so that was exciting, too.  i'm glad you pointed it out.   

rainy, actually today was the first day i could take a breath, so thank you so much for the well wishes.  i know that the idea of 'self-harm' has been pretty narrowly focused for people by the professionals for the most part, or in articles, etc., but i guess i just see some of this stuff differently. glad you found it helpful.   

i was so nervous last night, and today, scared, actually, cuz i got a new med to take from the psych., but i found myself too afraid to try it, afraid i would lose my legs again, so i haven't taken it.  i talked to my t about it this morning, she helped me calm down, and talked to the psych this afternoon about everything that was scaring me, more of my history w/ such meds (this was a mood stabilizer - zyprexa), and she was very reassuring, put me at ease (nod to you, rainy).

when she said mood stabilizer, it was a trigger, cuz that's what i'd begun taking before when my legs went out of whack and i ended up falling cuz i couldn't catch my balance - my legs wouldn't move fast enough - and broke my wrist and something in my back.  i was near tears, and told her xanax is the only thing that hasn't affected my legs like this. i'd also been scared that if i wasn't taking the prescribed med, she wouldn't let me just rely on xanax, which i'd told my t.  but, she did, and i burst into tears in relief,

thank everything helpful for allowing this to go like it did.  she'll refill my scrip for xanax if i run out before our next chat, was glad to hear that i wasn't taking more than 1 1/2 mg/day (i think that reassured her that i wasn't just abusing it), and it sounds like it's all good.  i feel much better now.

still, i'm also concerned about my d, she's been holding everything in, but finally was able to cry about the house today.  she's like me - holds the stress in until we bubble over, but in the meantime, our bodies begin doing weird things.  she's now more confident that when she feels like that, it's not an automatic trip to the ER now (we have gone that route in the past).  tentatively, we're both ok at the moment, still waiting to hear if we even qualify for a loan, so that's keeping us on pins and noodles.

i've also been processing a lot of the abuse from my ex the past few sessions, which leaves me feeling like crapola for a day, but usually i stabilize by the next morning.  it's amazing to me how re-telling this stuff makes it feel more real, more abusive.  one of the things that came to me was that every thing he did was testing me to see how much he could get away with.  over and over and over thru the years.  i've discovered tests i've failed, and noted what happened because i wasn't able to take appropriate steps at the time.  those are just ugly to me.

but i've also noted other tests and what i did to stand up to him, cause changes in our family because i did.  no sense of victory, tho - they were just part of the rhythm of our life together, even after we were divorced.  i kept him close to manage my money cuz i was too sick to do it while i was in mexico, and he took advantage in sneaky ways.  i didn't know till after the fact.  but, that's part of what was so awful about him selling our house - he had power of attorney, and decided to sell it cuz it was of no use to him anymore.  no matter that my name was on the deed and i could've been held financially responsible (which, in point of fact, he did have to pay over $1000 in the end).  ugh!

anyway, this stuff with him is 40 yrs' worth of crap like that, and it plays on my mind, especially at times when i quiet down to go to sleep, or when i first wake up.  there those thoughts are, harrassing me, making all kinds of neg. feelings come up and taunt me.  it's just not a restful way to fall asleep or wake up.  i hope i can eventually get to the point in therapy where that stops happening.

so, deep breath.  don't know if i'll be around much for a bit.  all this needs resolution, but i love you all, and i appreciate all your hugs and support.  thank you.

[Tee]

  big hug San I've been working through some deep past trauma with my T as well it's hard work but worth it I think. 

You are so brave and strong you will make through this rough patch I'm glad your T was able to talk with the psych and figure things out for you.
If you leave for a bit know I'm thinking of you and always have a big hug ready any time you need it.  Your friend Tee

[sanmagic7]

hey dear tee,

thank you for the hugs and support.  i'm so glad you're around, m;y friend.

i've been feeling a bit better after resolving the med situation w/ the psych.  was able to walk 3 times today, and still feel good.  it's such a blessing to have my legs working, and not to be afraid of medications messing with that.

i don't know why i wrote blessing above - i don't usually think that way.  lately, however, w/ everything that's been going on, i've been speaking a lot more w/ god, have felt like we've been taken care of by some force larger than ourselves, so i guess 'blessing' felt like the correct concept just then.  i'm feeling more grateful after what's gone on that we were looked after by neighbors and others, including divine intervention of some sort, to get us thru it all safely.

sometimes it's difficult to think of the pos. parts of some of this when the stress of it has been overwhelming and taken a physical toll. my d has had phys. flare-ups that are stress-related, and i've gone thru my own share of crapola physically and emotionally.  dang, stress just has such a lingering effect on both of us.  thankfully, we are both very accepting and understanding of how stress and anxiety work - not necessarily any rhyme or reason to them, but they make themselves known no matter how hard we try to keep them at bay.

like fierce hounds on our trails, at times, snapping at our heels, nipping bits and pieces of us to shreds.  it's so wearing, so all-consuming at times that to remember that we made it thru, once again, and that's a cause to celebrate and be grateful for can seemingly be non-existent cuz our energy gets drained.  can't think thru it at times to the pos.  i wonder if that's just how it goes or is it more pronounced w/ c-ptsd?  hard to tell cuz it's been going on for so long.

at any rate, i am able to cherish today and my ability to walk outdoors, be in this house, and enjoy the relationship w/ my d.  that's something i haven't felt in ages, it seems.

[Not Alone]

Yea! So glad your legs are not being affected and that you were able to take walks.

[sanmagic7]

thanks, notalone   

my d spoke about how depressed she is about the whole house thing, can't feel invested in it now cuz it's too painful.  i have to admit, i've had some of those same thoughts myself.  i've stopped the cigarettes now (my lungs are really happy about that, altho i'm still coughing a bit as they continue to cleanse themselves), but when i'd sit in back of our house at the edge of the forest for a cig. break, i'd be filled with sadness that we might not be able to stay here. 

it's a horrible phenomenon, a terrible dynamic.  it's sapping our strength, wearing us out, and generally holding us down from truly enjoying where we are now.  it's hard to even talk about it, so i'll stop.

[Sceal]

I just want to pop by and congratulate you on being able to quit smoking.
That can be a hard thing to stop doing, especially during such trying times that you are going through rn.

Sending you thoughts.

[Blueberry]

Sending you a hug of support whereever you are, san