#8 - starting over

[Blueberry]

Congrats on making those requests to the realtor!   Great self-care. I know you ended up not needing them today with that cancellation, but they're in place for next time. I hate that they told you so late, though. Grrr.

on having a case manager. That's at least some help to fall back on though I really, really get being too stressed to even contact someone like that.

Your T's prescription - awesome! You know, from time to time Ts tell me to just forget any plans to heal my eating disorder at that particular time. That's maybe not quite like prescribing it, but similar. Similar results: less self-hate, more ability to give myself 'a break', a crutch at a time I need it and have no other crutch to hand for whatever reasons.

san, are you capable of ignoring the news for a while? I mean not listening, watching or reading at all? That certainly helps me when everything is turning into just too much within me and world-wide.

Sending support!

[Bach]

Thinking of you, dear san 

[Tee]

  San big hugs of comfort and peace.
I hope things calm down for you and you are able to find a new normal. Send lots of love to keep away the self hate you don't need that too.

[Snowdrop]

 

[sanmagic7]

thanks, blueberry.  sometimes i can get my dander up about certain situations, and i feel a renewed energy about tackling them.  i agree with you about what both our t's said - while the wording might not be exactly the same, the result and intention are very much so. giving us permission to use the resources we've known to head off triggers, stress, anything trauma-related, does, indeed, help us to accept it's what we are doing to get through situations w/ our lives and sanity intact.  those two are #1, and it's ok to use whatever we can to get to the other side of it.

as far as watching the news, i do hear what you're saying.  i stay away as much as possible, at the same time feeling compelled to be involved in my country's political scene because this is a special history in the making.  i've been out of politics for quite a while, especially while sick in mexico, but was quite involved when i was younger.  i hadn't voted in 4 presidential elections, so on one level it feels good to stretch my political wings again.  and, i doubt this would be as stressful as it is if we didn't have this other stuff to deal with on top of it.  but, your words are wise, and i've been thinking about them a lot.  thank you for the food for thought.   

bach, i so appreciate you.  thank you for thinking of me.  i know those pos. vibes are hitting me and helping me stay afloat. 

tee, thanks so much for helping chase the self-hate away.  it really helps, and it's not there right now.  and thanks for your kind wishes.  i have no idea what a new normal might look like, at this point, but eventually it'll come around and with  your support, and that of others here, i'll be able to deal with it.

snowdrop, those lovely hugs warm my heart.  thank you so much.  beautiful, like you.

still in limbo about the house, still don't know if we even qualify for a loan yet, let alone what the next step might be.  the people canceled who were supposed to look around, so it was nice to have that off our shoulders.  in the meantime, we're just waiting. 

i think the trazadone is helping with my sleep, which i'm glad to report, and it hasn't bothered my legs, so that's a really good thing.  had a nightmare about my ex the other night which shocked me awake in the middle of the night.  happily, i was able to get back to sleep, but, dang, can't believe he's still in my head abusing me.  we're going to continue tackling his crapola on friday.  every little bit is helping, but it really is slow going.  there's so much gunk i've absorbed around him, it's nearly unbelievable to me how much continues to show its face.

i told my t, sometimes i wish he would've just hit me - something tangible seems, to me, that it might've been easier to process and resolve.  this undermining, manipulative, deceitful stuff seems to have been packed into so many corners of my mind, that when one looks like it's gone, another pops up.  there are so many that continue to come to mind when i'm not even thinking about him.  just BLAM!!!  another one smacks me upside the head.   

in all the years of being a therapist, learning about the human psyche, going into recovery for addictions, being in therapy off and on for nearly half my life, i have never run into anything like this beast called c-ptsd.  i'm a pretty strong person, but the way this has continually knocked me on my butt amazes me.  sometimes i feel so helpless and hopeless, i surprise myself.  and, not in a good way, either.  the pain is overwhelming way too often, and i know that my d is the only thing i fight to stay alive for.  and, isn't that sad.  too much pain, too much fighting, for too long a time.  just too, too much too often.

[Tee]

  hi San I total feel your lady few statements about only being alive for your D. I think the only reason I'm still here even though I'm much younger is my kids. I've been really low this year, and every time I think I might be seeing the light of day something else pushes me back down into my dark hole.  So know San I'm here with you any time you need a hug know I'm here.
I'm so glad I've made a few good friends that check on me when I'm gone for a bit. 

At this point I have about five people I come on and check on it's all I can manage right now. 
Stay strong sweet lady   

[Not Alone]

Too much, too much, too much. I hear you, San. It really is too much. I feel that so often. I'm hanging on with you. 

[sanmagic7]

tee, i'm so glad you're with me.  know that i'm with you, too, even when i don't have the energy to write.  always there in spirit.  we'll get thru this together, ok?   

notalone, i know you hear me, know you're continually fighting to stay afloat as well.  again, we're in this together, right?  yep.

therapy went well this morning, and i even had a couple hours of actual happiness!  that feeling has eluded me on a regular basis.  i also tapped into my brain during processing, saw a figure i called a wild woman with a mouth that took up 3/4 of her face, wailing, wailing, wailing.  i couldn't hear anything, and at first i thought it was anger, but then realized it was pain.

not having really felt the pain of any of the stuff i've experienced, it was good to see her expressing it for me.  kind of like when i'm expressing emotions in my dreams - i know my dream self is feeling it, but when i remember it after i wake up, i don't feel it.  so, my brain may be wounded to the point that i, myself, can't always feel or express my emotions, but i'm learning that my brain is providing ways for their expression anyway.

my t also mentioned something about all the crapola in my brain is old stuff, and isn't me.  for some reason, that felt really good to hear.

afterwards, altho i felt some disturbance in my body, i also felt light and joyous.  that's gone now, but it was so nice to feel it, even for an hour or so.  progress. 

[Tee]

  I'm glad you had a moment of light.  I found out I may have been exposed to Covid. I'm so sick of everything.

[sanmagic7]

dear tee, so sad to hear this. i hope and pray nothing happens, that you do not get this illness on top of everything else.  please take care of you and yours, and know you've got lots of healing energy coming your way just in case.  love and hugs

[Tee]

 

[sanmagic7]

thanks for the hug, tee.  so appreciated.

i have therapy this morning.  the past 4 days have been topsy turvy, going from euphoria to exhaustion to eating.  i triggered myself into eating yesterday when i got on the scale and saw that i've kept the weight off i lost last month.  why that is a trigger, i don't know for sure.  it kind of fascinates me, and i think it's something to explore sometime in therapy.  not today, tho.  i'm still working on getting to sleep and staying asleep for more than 4-5 hrs. a night.  dang, that's a tough one for me.

i think i make progress on some of this stuff, then it turns out there are more pieces to that puzzle than i expected.  i just wish this would all go away.  it's so tiring. i think i only feel rested a few hours out of each day, usually after a nap, actually.  those few hours feel so good, tho - i just wish there could be more of them.  this sucks. 

still dealing with not knowing about the loan, the house, whether we'll have to move in 6 mos., whether we'll be able to stay - it's like the ground beneath us isn't solid, and we're swinging back and forth just to stay upright mentally and emotionally.  the stress and anxiety in our house comes and goes in waves - it's always there, but it ebbs and flows.  limbo is not a fun place to be.  feeling helpless again.    

[Tee]

  I'm sorry everything is in flux.  I'm glad you were able to lose and keep of some weight of that was a goal. I'm sure the house thing will get worked out.  I usually feel better after a nap as well.  I think in my case it's because naps were always safe. Night sleep wasn't. So my body actually relaxes more when I sleep in the day.   Big hug hope your day goes well.

[Not Alone]

i think i make progress on some of this stuff, then it turns out there are more pieces to that puzzle than i expected.  i just wish this would all go away.  it's so tiring.

I'm with you on that. I'm sorry you aren't sleeping well. I have many nights like that as well. It makes it difficult to lack the needed rest and to not be able to have the escape of sleep.   

[Bach]

Having positive thoughts about my weight or my body triggers me to eat, too.  I can't tell you how many times getting close to a weight goal or giving myself permission to weigh more than I think I "should" has sent me into a binge spiral.  It's very frustrating. 

Sending lots of love