#8 - starting over

[Hope67]

Dear SanMagic,
I get what you said about there being so many pieces of the jig-saw, and the overwhelming nature of that, and you spoke of ebbing and flowing and uncertainty - that is tough to traverse safely, and most likely feels precarious, but I hope you'll remember how much you're cared for an valued here, and whenever others have been struggling - you've come along and been so supportive, and an image I have of you in my mind is that of an Earth mother with large voluminous skirts, and I feel sure that you are strong and have strength within to see you through this.

I have an inner critic telling me off for writing this, but I am going to put it there anyway, as I feel like I want to write that to you, SanMagic, and I hope you don't mind that I did.

Sending you a hug, and lots of love 
Hope 

[sanmagic7]

hey, tee - interesting what you said about naps being safe.  i've had that same kind of dynamic. as i'm writing this, a thought came to mind that my dad took naps nearly daily, and we kids had to keep quiet to let him sleep.  i wonder if that has something to do with my own napping.  for sure it's been a restorative during the day for many, many years.  thanks for sharing this, and i truly hope you get some relief as well.  not being able to sleep sucks!

another thing about this sleep thing - i worked on it more yesterday with my t - has been the anxiety i've felt before going to sleep at night, and i've linked that to the fear of not being able to sleep and feeling like crapola because of it.  not only feeling tired, but very stressed, which leaves me feeling physically sick.  after my session, a thought occurred to me that, no matter what, i will be able to get enough sleep one way or another (it helps being retired, so i do have time during the day to catch up if i need to).  i remember knowing this several years ago, and it helped curb my anxiety, but for some reason i lost it.

the past 2 nights i took my full amount of meds, rather than cutting them in half like the shrink suggested, and i really did sleep better, which felt great. so, i think i'll continue to do that, tracking it in the sleep log i began.  this is feeling like an experiment to me, so i thought i'd start noting everything about my sleep patterns, time for bed, trouble falling asleep or not, all the details.  during the session, i confessed that i had little hope this would be rectified.  for some reason, today, it feels like, with the help of meds, it might get better.  fingers crossed!

notalone, i totally agree - sleep is so important, and i don't know that everyone realizes it until they can't get enough on a regular basis, and against their will. it distorts our thinking processes, decision-making, perspectives, perceptions, and ability to see things as they really are.  this has been an issue for me for about 50 years, now, and i'm very tired of being tired.  thank you for your validation and i hope you find a light at the end of that tunnel soon.

hey, bach, i'm wondering if this phenomenon we share is a form of self-sabotage?  it's so automatic, so overtaking of any rational thought, goal, and the like.  or, maybe it's a fear of success?  i mean, we can think neg. about ourselves, which has been part of our mental pictures for a long time.  you know? what if we succeed, continue to eat well and healthy, get our bodies to a place that's healthiest for them - can we stand the idea of so much success?  you got my brain going on that one.  thank you so much!   

dear hope, you warmed my heart with what you wrote.  i mean, i really felt warmth from you flow through me. it was so personal, so lovely, so kind and caring - it showed more of you to me, and i appreciated that more than you know.  you have a light that you showed, which maybe you hide sometimes because of that ICr, but i'm so glad you ignored it when posting this.  thank you so much, my dear hope, for taking that risk for me. you made me feel very special.

i said most of what i wanted to say in my response to you wonderful people.  the one thing, the uncertainty about whether we're going to be living her or not in 6 mos. takes more of a toll on me than i expect i acknowledge. it probably has a bearing on my sleep, smoking again, tension i'm holding that i'm often not aware of until i sit at the edge of the forest behind our house, have a coffee and a smoke - very often during that time, i get the urge to exhale forcefully, like i'm releasing something inside, and usually i can suddenly feel how i've scrunched my shoulders up because i'm able to relax them a bit, bring them down to where they belong. 

i think, also, i hold onto a lot of this stuff trying to protect my d from seeing me freak out.  her anxiety stuff is even worse than mine at times, and i'm trying to keep an even keel around me to as not to rock her boat, too.  that mother thing dies hard.  some of this is also (this just hit me) because one of the shows we've been watching has been about a sociopath, their traits and characteristics, and her father immediately comes to mind.  it's all i can do to not say anything about him in front of her, but that's a tough one to hold inside me.

yeah, that makes a lot of sense now.  wow!  no wonder i'm releasing crapola about him every time i take a few minutes for myself w/ a coffee and cig. i really didn't realize till now exactly how much of that stuff i've been holding in.

another thing i realized, about intrusive thoughts about him, is that it's his demons i've been battling against, not mine. all that stuff i want to erase is not coming from me, but from him!  his overwhelmingly sense of self-loathing, rage, hatred toward women, lack of thought for anyone else - wow, that's huge.  it's good to write this down, but i'll need some time to process it, probably w/ my t on tues.  whew! 

[Not Alone]

the past 2 nights i took my full amount of meds, rather than cutting them in half like the shrink suggested, and i really did sleep better, which felt great. so, i think i'll continue to do that, tracking it in the sleep log i began.  this is feeling like an experiment to me, so i thought i'd start noting everything about my sleep patterns, time for bed, trouble falling asleep or not, all the details.  during the session, i confessed that i had little hope this would be rectified.  for some reason, today, it feels like, with the help of meds, it might get better.  fingers crossed!

This sounds promising. Keeping record sounds like a really good idea. 

[Tee]

  I'm glad your putting the blame where it belongs on your ex not on you.  That sounds like very positive steps forward.  Big hugs San!

[sanmagic7]

hey, notalone, thank you so much for the validation on my record-keeping. it's good for me to see the patterns, but also to tell the shrink when i talk w/ her next month. i was able to actually sleep 8 hrs. last night, which is amazing for me, so i think i'll keep it up.  thanks for being here w/ me

tee, i really appreciate your recognition of this.  it helped make my thoughts on it much more concrete, and also helps keep this idea in the front of my mind.  it feels easier to chase someone else's demons away than my own.  thank you so   

after these realizations yesterday, i was pretty rocky for the rest of the day.  i'm feeling better this morning, was able to take a walk, and have enough energy to write more on my new book, so that all feels good.

thinking this demon thing a little further, i think it helps me to know on a conscious level what, exactly, i'm battling, which gives my energy better focus.  it was his demons which traumatized me in such a way that i carry the wounds to this day.  it makes the idea of being wounded a more concrete feel, which, in turn, gives the idea of healing more hope. that's such an anomaly for me - i've never really thought in terms of hope, haven't felt it in my life until very recently. 

instead, i had faith that what ever came along, i would be able to deal with it, but that's not hope. i never looked at the future much, didn't have any plans for myself, goals i wanted to reach in 5 years or so.  therefore, hope didn't play a part in my life.  so, thinking in terms of hope now, even writing the word, seems very strange.  i think hope seemed too positive a concept for me to carry.  i was always so full of sadness there was no room for hope.

strange how these things come to us on a whim or a rainbow, because of another person's words or experience, or some brain flash that puts it into our consciousness when we least expect it.  today, i'll take it slowly cuz yesterday was not good emotionally.  there seems to be something niggling at the back of my brain, but i can't get hold of it yet.

[Tee]

  rest San  we should go back to porch and just sit on the swing and our arms around each other drinking some tea, or lemonade looking out over some beautiful fall colors. And just remember that we are not alone.

[sanmagic7]

i'm there with you, tee.  you made it sound so inviting, and just a lovely place to be.  i'll take lemonade, we'll enjoy the colors and the slapping of the waves on the shore and the calm and peace together.  thanks!

[Bach]

san, yesterday at some point that I can't quite remember, I had a strange experience with the feelings about my body.  I was noticing the weight I've gained since everything got crazy, and instead of thinking "ugh, I'm huge, this is disgusting, I have GOT to lose this weight" I had the totally unfamiliar thought of "Ehh, whatever.  I'll lose the weight after a while and if I don't I'll get comfortable with being the size I am".  It's scary to even type that now, but that was a real thought, that I really had, and for a few moments it seemed completely possible and looked like a bright future.  And somehow...somehow!, it did not throw me into a binge. 

I just wanted to tell you that.  I hope that's okay.  And, thank you for being you 

[sanmagic7]

bach, hearing that from you was so much more than ok - it lightened some of the darkness i've fallen into today.  your timing was perfect!  i applaud you on that shift, and using it to reinforce e :hug:xactly those feelings for myself.  thank you so much for sharing.   

spoke w/ my t today.  i'm so very scattered and the thanksgiving holiday sent me into a tailspin. (i don't celebrate thanksgiving the same way as before, the whole pilgrim/native american reality has been brought home to me a few years ago. i now utilize it as a day of gratitude for what i have and thankfulness for all that is good in my life.  this forum is part of that.)

anyway, i got a turkey breast from the food bank last thurs., didn't have enough room in my freezer to time it so i could roast it on thanksgiving, so it thawed in the fridge. yesterday was my turkey dinner day, and i'd planned to treat thursday like just another day.  my d and i went shopping for milk in the morning, and she began talking about making a green bean casserole because it's one of the t-day sides she especially likes - she's a vegetarian, so doesn't eat gravy and turkey.  i just thought she was going to make it for herself to eat yesterday, and never made the connection from that dish to the holiday.

a few other things were mentioned that she wanted to make, and it hit me that she was looking forward to a true thanksgiving meal for the two of us to celebrate and enjoy.  suddenly, i was head over teacups emotionally after realizing my tunnel vision of thought had only embraced myself, and i hadn't given a thought to the idea that she wanted to celebrate as a family. as she kept talking about the food we'd have on thurs., i was able to catch myself from wondering aloud why she was waiting till thurs. to make this food.

it hadn't occurred to me for a minute that thanksgiving was something she wanted to hang onto as a family thing.  i'd already made my dinner, eaten some of it, so thursday was going to be just another day for me.  i was so embarrassed, and became so very disturbed within myself that i'd not considered her in my plans.

this, then sent me spiraling.  it was the same way for her in her childhood - i always kept an eye on her, watching to see that she was ok, while i struggled and battled w/ D1, my marriage, and the icky therapist i was working with at the time, who was constantly putting me down, shattering my ego and self-esteem. she later told me that as she saw what her father and i were going thru with her sister's problems, she never wanted to add to our burden, so kept herself quiet about things that were bothering her.

until she exploded into her own depression and anxiety, and everything that went along with it. so, this embarrassment this year triggered all kinds of past memories, struggles, battles, wrestling to keep my family together and myself sane in the bargain. by yesterday afternoon, my insides were buzzing, and thoughts kept tumbling in and out of my mind.  i nearly did the same thing to my d in the present that i'd done too often in the past.

i'm ashamed - just realized this now - that i fell into that same pattern.  the embarrassment turned to shame.  i want to berate myself, i can feel lots of 'stupids' nipping at my mind as i write. this has been a problem all my life, that i get so focused on one thing, nothing around me penetrates as to how someone else might feel, the connections needed to make things easier for myself,.or even that there's someone else to consider. 

i'm just glad i caught it yesterday before i hurt my d by dismissing her by word or deed. i realized today that i do have one d to focus on, who deserves my attention and energy because her sister has chosen not to be a part of my life, and i must let her not interfere. my d, right here and right now, is deserving of my being with her, celebrating with her, making a big deal out of a holiday we've often enjoyed together when she was younger. she deserves me, and it scares me that i came so close to hurting her.

dang. so, all kinds of memories, thoughts, losses, abuses came up because of this. i know i can't help how my mind works, am doing my best to address the issues behind it, but this was too close for comfort. the last thing i want to do is hurt my d, who has been nothing but kind, gentle, and patient with me and all my c-ptsd symptoms and wounds. i'm just doing what i need to do to get thru this day and hopefully the rest of the week will be smoother as my mind processes these realizations, deals with the memories, and gets me thru one more holiday that brings both joy to be with D2, and grieving to have D1 not be part of it.  i'm spent now.

[Blueberry]

 

[Tee]

  I'm glad that you recognized that your D was looking forward to Thursday so you can make it a special day for you both.  Don't beat yourself up over past problems.  You can't change the past.  Enjoy your present with your D who loves you.

[sanmagic7]

blueberry, thank you so much for the hugs - they are always appreciated.  so glad you're in my corner.

tee, thanks for your wise advice - she and i are looking forward to tomorrow.  we've made plans on how we're going to do everything, what we're going to make, and how we're going to enjoy the rest of the day (which includes the final 'star wars' movie - good food and a great flick, it just doesn't get much better than that!).

[owl25]

I agree with Tee, even if it can be hard to let go of the guilt. It sounds like a wonderful day planned. 

[Tee]

  sounds like a great day thankful for you!

[Sceal]

Can I just say, darling San. You did good. You caught yourself before the big day. You understood what was happening. I think that in and of itself is a victory.