#8 - starting over

[Bach]

Aww, san.  Thinking of you and sending support. We are here with you

[marta1234]

Thinking of you, San. Sending you love and support. We're always going to be here for you, so hang in there  . 

[Hope67]

Sending you a hug of support, SanMagic,    Lots of love too.   
Hope 

[sanmagic7]

snowdrop, bach, marta, and hope - it warmed my heart to feel the love and the hugs from all of you.  yesterday was a very bad day, and i cherished them all.  you helped me get thru with my sanity intact.  thank you very much.  much love to all of you

i wanted to write about what's going on, but i'm having a very hard time staying sane right now.

***TW***  imagined violence

i thought of that episode again, talked to my t about it yesterday, and later i did an imaginary attempt at doing away with my ex.  it didn't work, i couldn't do it, because the method i was picturing wouldn't work on him - he has no heart!  i came away from that experience worse for realizing that, and spent the rest of the day doing what i could to retain my sanity.

end TW*****

since then, i've had a lot of images of both my ex and my D1 coming up, pushing their way to the front of my mind while i'm doing my best to push them back.  it was not a good day, and that's all i can write now cuz it's stirring the pot again. 

[marta1234]

Sending you love, San  . I'm sorry you're having such a difficult day. I wish I could take all the bad and let you rest, but alas, sending a warm filled hug will have to do 

[Not Alone]

San, sending you a loving hug. 

[Bach]

All the hugs for you dear san

[Tee]

  oh San I'm sorry you are struggling so. I wish I could wrap my arms around you and just sit with you and share stories of fun silly things till we were both laughing so hard we were crying.  Stay strong my friend. This to will pass and fade.  Send a supportive and loving hug.

[sanmagic7]

marta, notalone, bach, tee - i've read what you wrote over and over and it's helping me get thru this. thank you, you wonderful  people.

i'm so distressed, so sad, so disturbed, just trying to get from one day to the next.  seems like i've been doing a lot of that lately.  this is no quality of life.

[Blueberry]

 

[Tee]

  big hugs San I hope things get better for you soon.

[Snowdrop]

Thinking of you, San. I care about you, and I'm sorry you're going through this.

[marta1234]

Thinking of you San, we're all here for you. Sending you our support and a very big and warm hug to protect you from all the bad 

[sanmagic7]

blueberry, tee, snowdrop, marta - i can't tell you how much those big hugs mean. i feel embraced by care and warmth from each and every one of you. they are so welcome and so appreciated.  thank you all and back atcha   i hope these hugs convey the same to you.

therapy was rough.  i'm still reeling, but hoping that by writing some of it will help me settle a bit.

this morning i realized that i have been basically hollow inside.  as a person, which may explain how i felt so floaty thru so much of my life.  i had nothing in me to ground me, to anchor me, unless it was another person, their needs, what i could give them. that's what's helped me survive, literally, until now.

i've experienced anxiety at night after my d goes to her room, and this may explain why.  she is my anchor right now - i live because of her.  i don't feel floaty during the day when i know she's in the next room or when we're walking, talking, watching shows together, but after she goes to bed, the anxiety rears its ugly head. tying these pieces together, it makes sense - my anchor has left and i am alone with myself, which is virtually hollow.  nothing there to hold me to the earth.

i have stayed alive since my first baby was born because she needed me to stay alive.  more of the same after D2 came along. i was wondering why i put up with so much abuse of so many types from the relationships in my life, and i went to a place of blaming myself for not stopping it, not confronting it, not getting away from it.  in actuality, i stayed in order to stay alive for my girls because i knew somewhere deep inside that i was mentally and emotionally unstable, and i couldn't take care of them on my own without at least financial help. 

after D1, i was overwhelmed to the point that i moved back to my hometown and asked my mother for help.  both things had been unthinkable to me before this (my experience w/ my parents had been that when i was in terrible distress, they stood by and did nothing), so i stopped asking either of them to be there for me.  having a daughter made a difference to my mom, it seems, as she took me in until i could get my own place (which i did by hook and crook).

hub #2 (who i refer to as my ex) seemed like a good bet to link myself to because we had been friends for many years, and i didn't think he was the type of man who would also cheat on me.


TW ***  sexual addiction theme****

(well, i was wrong - he was a sex addict and cheated on me nearly every night with porn).


end TW***

so, i stayed, suffered the abuse because it was the only way i could survive was with his financial help.  i feel bad that i subjected my daughters to him, his rages, his grossness, but i can see how it was purely a survival tactic i had to employ - i had to survive to help my d's survive.  their survival was paramount.

my life meant very little to me except to be there for them.  and i can see it, at least with D2, to this day. i don't know how to fill myself up to allow me to know my life is worth something on its own,.  it's not that i don't know my attributes, because i do.  but, mainly, my worth is centered around helping someone else.  i think for the first several years on the forum, responding to others helped me feel good, about myself, about giving support or opinions to others. 

now i'm frightened.  i cried a good bit after the session was over, for this image i had of me i saw between marriage 1 and marriage 2.  i looked at my face, and it was like a porcelain doll's face - hard, emotionless, lifeless in itself. dumped by hub ! when i was 7 1/2 mos. pregnant, i was basically an emotional automaton.  i had to get thru life because i had a baby i was responsible for.  if not for her, my life was worthless.

i know any number of people would tell me, and have told me, how much i mean to them, and i know i do.  but, i mean very little to myself.  my life is all about being here now, helping my d make it thru her life, which has also been difficult, supporting her, working for her, just being here for her cuz she needs me.  that's why i continue to live.  i don't know at all how this might play out.

[Bach]

i know any number of people would tell me, and have told me, how much i mean to them, and i know i do.  but, i mean very little to myself.

I hear you and understand how this feels. 

Sending you all the love and hugs