#8 - starting over

[Hope67]

Hi SanMagic,
Sending you a hug of support and love    I know your therapy was rough, and you were reeling.  I'm glad your d is your anchor. 
I think a big hug to keep you safe and warm might help    I hope you are ok.
Hope 

[owl25]

Sounds like things have been pretty rough for you lately, san. I hope they ease up some for you.

[SharpAndBlunt]

Sanmagic, I'd like to add my hug and love, what you have written I recognise a lot, about feeling hollow and floaty. I know that we talked about that before. The scary thing for me too is what comes next but I hope it's OK to give you a 

[Tee]

  San I hear the porcelain mask bit. For so much my life I hid behind one too.
TW
For me...It is so hard to care about myself when at a young age I was told over and over I was worthless and trash, treated as such. 
End TW
Right now I live for my kids.  But I'm also doing something for me I'm going to school for something I want.  It's hard but I'm getting closer.  And I doubt myself every semester every final I feel like I'm going to fail and what had been there point of all this.  And my T reminds me that. I always do better than I think, and I will again.  I don't have to be perfect I just have to do my best.  I survived for my kids... But I have found something for me even though it is scary and I doubt I am good enough or will be able to do it on a daily basis because that's the way I have been programmed my whole life... I'm fighting that for something I want.  Some days are really hard and I can't breathe, but the next day I have to get it done.

All that said too say maybe it's time to find something that is uniquely yours San.  Something you want and push yourself too work for it in those times when no one else is around.

I hope that helps if not disregard.  Sending love and support as always you mean the world to me.

[sanmagic7]

bach, very sorry you know how that feels - it's awful, isn't it?  it's added one more clue to the reason i stayed in abusive relationships for way too long, tho.  every little bit helps, at least for me.  it helps me target underlying issues.  much love and many hugs back to you

hope, absolutely your warmth and love has helped. i had a rough session yesterday, and lost my legs again for the day, but i'm a little better today.  thank you for so much caring support.

thanks, owl.  i'm afraid they're getting worse before they're going to get better, tho.  today i think i can keep it pretty much together, so that feels ok.  i hope you're doing ok as well. 

s&b, it's wonderfully ok to give me that embracing hug.  thank you so much for that.  that hollow and floaty feeling are 2 more clues for me, something i realized after my session yesterday.  these realizations are helping me remove any blame from myself, and putting it where it belongs - all the way back to childhood, originally.   

hey, tee, thank you so.  your love and support have helped me keep going.  you know, i never thought of that image as a mask - just that my face looked like it was made of porcelain.  i thought at the time it was what i needed to stay strong - i had to be hard.  so, i became hard which kept my emotions from overwhelming me, as i'm sure they would have if i could have felt them at the time.  as far as doing something for myself, i am writing my third book right now, and loving it.  so, i do have something that is mine, but, quite honestly, if something happened to my d, writing wouldn't matter.  i realized i was done with life back in my 20's.  still, i'll keep going for now.   

so, after my session yesterday, i hit on some very dark issues, worked on them, and that sent me reeling again.  couldn't use my legs for the day - they're better this morning - but i worked a little bit on that first t of mine.  my t told me, after i'd spoken for a few minutes about an issue, how very mad it made her to hear what that first t had done to me.  her anger helped me feel some anger as well, but i pushed it down.  i had other stuff to process - that t will have to wait for now.

what came to mind, gathering these clues about me and my tendency to stay in abusive relationships for too long - no matter if they were friendships, romantic, professional, or with that first t - was that, for so long, well over 6 decades, i, as a person, was unformed.  i was not fully formed as to knowing how i felt about something, what to do about what was going on in the relationship except be tolerant and patient and be my own best self so that, perhaps, the other person would see me modeling the kinds of words and behaviors i was looking for them toward me.

being unformed, then, i'm now thinking i didn't have self-knowledge, stable boundaries, insight into what was ok and not ok for me.  i didn't have education or practice at gentleness, kindness, regard for my mental and emotional well-being.  no wonder i was floaty - there was nothing concrete about me as a person. i was unaware of my emotions, took cues from how others reacted to my own situations so that i could also react properly (i actually found myself doing just that while watching a show w/ my d last week, and was able to tell her about it instead of remaining confused about how to react). 

those reactions, or lack of them, has been a constant theme throughout my life.  i actually first knew about it thru an incident on this forum.  what it meant for me is that i spend a lot of time in a state of confusion.  not so much after i've learned about c-ptsd and abusive/narc relationships, but it still continues to this day.  it's the alexithymia thing, for sure, but before i knew about that, i just floated thru life with very little awareness of how something was truly impacting me.

so, being unformed because i, as a person, just wasn't all there.  not in a crazy way, but in a real emotionally present way. no wonder i stayed and allowed the abuse to continue - there wasn't enough of me formed yet to know differently.

[marta1234]

[Tee]

  very insightful San. Hugs

[Bach]

That makes so much sense, san. I often have thoughts that I am working on learning how to be a person. What you've written about being uniformed resonates with me in that way.

I hope that you are doing okay today. Sending love 

[sanmagic7]

marta, thanks for that wonderful hug.  love it, love you

tee, thank you for the validation and hugs.  so appreciated.  you've become a very solid presence for my life.

bach, yeah. unformed.  i actually had that thought flit through my head before, but making it conscious has helped me be able to allow the reality of what happened to me without getting down on myself by self-blame, or feelings of stupidity for staying too long.  i hope it's helpful to you, too.  thanks so much for being there for me, for your love and concern.

today i'd decided to take a break from processing w/ my t.  losing my legs twice in a week is a sure indication to me that my mind has been undergoing too much in too short a time.  as it turned out, my t didn't get in touch w/ me this morning for our session.  when i called, i only got voicemail, so i don't know what happened to her.  i'm a little worried, tho.

she told me last week that she'd gone to her folks' for thanksgiving, and stayed with a friend, who had been coughing, but saying it was a cold.  i asked my t if she'd gotten tested for covid, she said no, but that she'd hoped her friend had.  last tues., during our session, she coughed several times. it concerned me at the time.  with her disappearing like this today, i'm even more concerned.  i already have probably 4 people (friends and family members) who have died from covid, and my hub in mexico was sick for a month with it in july, and still reeling from side effects. 

this illness has touched me too many times already.  i'm also a bit afraid that a long-lost dear friend of mine is sick now - yeah, i go there immediately when someone isn't responding like they said they would, especially after meeting w/ others for thanksgiving.  i can only hope and pray they're ok.

the rest today is feeling good to me. i'm finding little things that bring warm memories from my childhood - ovaltine and  pomegranates have popped up on that radar lately.  it's a rather small list, but not something i've consciously incorporated in the past. it's kind of nice just to have those two things, at least.  and my d is responding more warmly to me, like she's finally able to get some 'mom' time at this stage of her life that she wasn't able to get when she was young.  that feels the best.

so, i'm grateful to be here one more day.  i find myself asking the powers that be for the ability/strength to make it just from today to tomorrow.  sometimes that feels more than huge. 

[Hope67]

Hi SanMagic,

I hope your T is ok.  But I also hope that you are ok too - because the uncertainty - it must be tough to cope with.  I am so sorry that you've experienced so much regarding the Covid, and I very much hope you'll be able to keep safe and well, and also that your friends and your T will be ok.

Those warm memories from your childhood - the ovaltine and pomegranates - they sound lovely memories.  Plus your daughter responding more warmly to you - it's really special that you are having that time together now.

Wanted to send you a big and very warm hug of love and warmth   

Hope 

[sanmagic7]

hope, your words are endearing and heartwarming.  thank you so for your care and concern.  much appreciated

well, still no word from my t.  i called her again today, nothing. i can't help but be worried.  and last nite, 4 more people are now on my covid list, including a relative by marriage and a friend, her d, and her d's 8-mo. old baby.  my head is scurrying around in and on itself.

please, everyone stay safe and be careful.

[Tee]

  my T had Covid but she was able to get better without a hospital stay and is back at work.  Most kids do ok with it.  I hope everyone gets better. San.  Big hug stay safe.

[owl25]

That has got to be so hard, to have so many people sick with this. I do hope you hear from your T soon, I can imagine how unsettling this must be.

[sanmagic7]

thank you for your well wishes, tee and owl.  it turned out to be a computer and phone glitch, so i was able to speak with her yesterday.  but, then she told me she's visiting a friend next week, sleeping at the friend's bro's house, and is going to come home afterwards and quarantine for 2 weeks.  honestly, i didn't like the sound of that.  but, there it is.  i do know that most people get better, but i also know of probably 4-5 deaths of friends and family, so it all unsettles me.

anyway, i didn't process anything yesterday - i lost my legs after the last 2 sessions, and i didn't want to take the chance of that happening as we get ready for the holidays.  plus, i've got my d's book to finish editing, then proofreading, cuz she wants to have it out by the end of the year.  so, kind of a crunch time. 

i'm working out a way for me to be able to take breaks, on my own, w/o having to use food or cigs as the reason.  it's harder than i thought.  those 2 were always my go-to's for getting away and having a little bit of time by and for myself.  making this change to doing it w/o depending on something outside myself is more difficult than i imagined.  i guess i just have to do it, or muddle my way through it somehow.  i know it's a challenge to change such an ingrained pattern, and i'm struggling. 

yesterday, i got really disturbed by something my neighbor said. he showed us his hand, told us he'd had the final surgery to get the shrapnel out from being shot (he was a cop), and that he'd been in a lot of pain.  then he said, and this is what disturbed me, something about having to wait 6 mos. to get the surgery because of all the covid patients. "I don't give a sh** about them when I have to be in pain while they're taken care of."

it was a gut punch.  i think i was too shocked to be able to say anything.  at least it gave me a clearer picture of his character.  i'm sorry he was in pain, but my back is broken in 2 places, so i'm in chronic pain as well, but i certainly don't begrudge anyone being taken care of for a life-threatening illness, and would take on another year's worth of pain for the lives of those who have died from this.  guess i just needed to get that out of me, but i still may say something next time i see him.  grrrr   

ok, deep breath in, out.  back to work.  wishing everyone happy holidays.

[Tee]

  Some people care only for themselves.  It is sad.  It just shows that you are a better person.  I'm sorry you have to deal with him and chronic pain. That sucks.    I hope you have a great holiday.