#8 - starting over

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sanmagic7

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#8 - starting over
« on: July 02, 2020, 05:12:07 PM »
i'm sticking a toe in here again, new journal - i want to leave everything that i've just gone thru behind and begin from here.

i got caught up in a discussion with my D about the difference betw. a sociopath and psychopath yesterday, my ex definitely being a sociopath,  it hit me like a sledghammer before i realized how badly triggered i'd gotten.  since she doesn't want to hear anything bad about her father, i felt trapped.  it happened so quickly, i didn't discover the extent of my distress until the conversation was over. needless to say, i didn't get to sleep until nearly 5 this morning, and only with the help of my chemical friends.

her author friend stayed w/ us nearly a week, and she's in the middle of a divorce.  she discovered that her hub is a narc, and she and i had a lovely chat, but she used the words 'covert narcissist' so many times, my head began spinning.  i mentioned to my D that one day of that was all i could take.  i'm sure my D doesn't fully understand why it had such an impact on me.

so, i'm finally out of the house, so to speak, and hope i never have to interact w/ him again.  i really do want to start over from this point, begin healing from this new traumatization.  funny how this stuff can come up to bite us in the butt when we're least expecting it.  i remember reading other's posts about some unexpected encounter w/ a former abuser, and how violent their reactions were.  many questioned their own sense of self, resilience, strength, etc. in a neg. way, but i know that it isn't us who are at fault, or are weak, or anything like that.

these traumas we've experienced, until they're firmly healed and calloused, are tender to the touch.  i've been thinking about w/ me and my reactions lately, and that's the conclusion i've come to - i am raw.  conversing about sociopaths was like rubbing sandpaper across an open wound.  too soon.  i want to slowly come back here and be involved w/ everyone, but i'm not sure yet how much i'll be able to do.  for now, one response elsewhere and this, and it's enough for today.  glad to be back, tho, if only w/ baby steps to start.  love and hugs to everyone who has helped me w/ your support, blankets, hot beverages, and grabbing my hand - your caring is remarkable, you are remarkable.  please, don't ever forget that.  thanks for everything.


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Snowdrop

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Re: #8 - starting over
« Reply #1 on: July 02, 2020, 05:54:28 PM »
Feeling so raw is completely understandable given everything you've been going through. Despite everything, you've survived. I hope that the connection that you've severed with your ex is a catalyst for further healing.

Please be gentle with yourself, dear San. :hug:

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Blueberry

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Re: #8 - starting over
« Reply #2 on: July 02, 2020, 08:35:06 PM »
 :yeahthat: All of it!

You know, I have a lot of respect for your ability to be there for D but at the same time accept her rule of not hearing anything bad about her father. I have a picture of you holding all that in, no matter what is going on, and at the same time extending a hand or some other support to a friend of your D's and mbrs on here, to your D of course and quite possibly other people. It's OK to not respond to others on here for a day or two or never... I admit, I'm learning that too ;)

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sanmagic7

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Re: #8 - starting over
« Reply #3 on: July 02, 2020, 10:28:29 PM »
snowdrop, thanks so much for those kind words - i appreciate them and you so much.  i'm hoping the door is open again for healing, too.  i so want to get back to that! :hug:

blueberry, thanks to you, too, for all your support, and those giant embracing hugs and warm blankets you've been sending my way.  you've been wonderful!  :hug:

and, you're right - that's exactly what i do, is hold it in when i'm around her.  sometimes i feel like i'm about to burst w/ the toxic waste of it.  but, i feel it's important as her mom to not add distress to her life and to respect what's important to her.  i wasn't able to do too much of that while she was growing up cuz of all the madness in our household, so it feels good to be able to give her what she needs in greater part at least at this time in her life.

she has gotten to be more open w/ me, more accepting of hugs than ever before, so that feels like i've been doing the right thing by her.  that's the kind of stuff that warms my mother's heart. 

as far as learning to do that, it can be difficult, for sure.  i'm not good at doing it all the time - this was the longest i've been away from the forum since i joined, which is about 5 yrs.  one part of staying away, tho, that was positive, was that i wasn't worrying about what i said, too much, not enough, right word choice - all those neat-o little anxiety producers!  lol!  but, i do love to be involved and i'm glad to be back.

for now, forward.  again, you've all been so wonderful - you really did 'have' me, and i appreciate everyone telling me that, cuz i felt it and it helped get me thru the nightmare. :grouphug:
« Last Edit: July 02, 2020, 11:01:59 PM by sanmagic7 »

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notalone

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Re: #8 - starting over
« Reply #4 on: July 03, 2020, 01:52:08 AM »
San, you have been through such a painful time. Give yourself lots of self care and gentleness.  :grouphug:

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Three Roses

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Re: #8 - starting over
« Reply #5 on: July 04, 2020, 05:55:47 AM »
 :cheer: :cheer: :cheer:

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Tee

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Re: #8 - starting over
« Reply #6 on: July 04, 2020, 01:16:56 PM »
 :hug: Iím glad you were able to hug your daughter!  And not worry about us.  You deserve so much more love than you have been given in your life. I am glad you are back but also that you could feel our love for You! Big hug for the courage to continue to move forward. :hug:

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sanmagic7

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Re: #8 - starting over
« Reply #7 on: July 04, 2020, 02:57:36 PM »
hey, notalone, thanks so much for that.  i think you have suggested the exact prescription that will help me the most. :hug:

dear 3r, i know you're always in my corner, and these cheers are heartfelt.  thank you always for your support. :hug:

o, tee, your kind words plunked at my heartstrings.  yes, i absolutely could feel the love and caring from here - i drink it up like a thirsty woman in the desert.  so appreciated! :hug:

feels like i'm dealing w/ the fallout and hangover of the stress of these past few weeks.  i plan on lying low as much as possible.  happily we won't be doing the farmers market for at least a month, so that'll be a break.  as much as i love it, sitting in the fresh air for 6 hrs., chatting it up w/ people, can be extremely tiring.  it's so rewarding in one way, tho, as i'm doing something i love, so i am looking forward to returning there in aug. for right now, tho, i think this break is right on time.

so, deep breath, and easy does it for now.

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Snookiebookie2

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Re: #8 - starting over
« Reply #8 on: July 04, 2020, 08:48:48 PM »
Hey San  :heythere:

 :bighug: Welcome back. 

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sanmagic7

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Re: #8 - starting over
« Reply #9 on: July 05, 2020, 04:31:42 AM »
thanks, snookie!  it's good to be back, honestly.  i've gotta pace myself, tho.  too much is not a good thing for me - tough to not only learn that but to put it into practice. 

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sanmagic7

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Re: #8 - starting over
« Reply #10 on: July 08, 2020, 05:34:42 AM »
i'm still in the throes of my 'ex' hangover.  had a conversation about the difference betw. sociopath and psychopath w/ my d, that brought up all kinds of triggers about him.  he is definitely a sociopath.  now there's this new book out about the prez, saying he's a sociopath, and i see a lot of similarities between the two of them.  it's unnerving and extremely triggering.

i'm still on hold, waiting for the papers from the sale of my house come, the final papers that have my name removed and the sale being final.  that won't take place till the 15th of this month.  i asked my ex to send me a copy, he said he would.  we'll see.  maybe when that happens, i'll finally be done w/ all this.  i hope so!

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sanmagic7

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Re: #8 - starting over
« Reply #11 on: July 08, 2020, 04:02:30 PM »
i'm becoming overwhelmed again.  talked to my hub in mex. last nite, he's scared, went to be tested but they didn't have any available, so they put him on some antibiotics and anti-inflammatory meds. there are also people there i knew who have already died of covid, and several more are sick.  may brought 4 deaths for me to contend w/, probably 3 from covid.  the count is going up in my little corner of the world.  and, my long ago best friend, with whom i'm recently re-connected, has felt ill for 2 weeks.

on top of that, this whole sociopath thing has stirred all that trauma up again with my ex, and i'm doing my best to swim in a pool of quicksand.  this is getting harder to keep my head above drowning level.

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marta1234

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Re: #8 - starting over
« Reply #12 on: July 08, 2020, 04:27:42 PM »
 :hug: Iím sorry this is all happening right now, and just bringing all the trauma back. Iím sending you lots of love and a gentle hug, San. I know youíve been through so much, especially with the whole house papers coming up again.
 :hug:

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sanmagic7

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Re: #8 - starting over
« Reply #13 on: July 08, 2020, 11:14:59 PM »
thank you so very much, marta, for all your kind and caring thoughts and wishes.  love and a  :hug: to you.

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owl25

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Re: #8 - starting over
« Reply #14 on: July 09, 2020, 12:39:58 AM »
I hope your husband is okay. That's very scary and really tough to have to worry about. All the other things you've been going through each in and of themselves are a lot to deal with. I hope that this is the end of difficult things for you and that things calm down.  :hug: