#8 - starting over

[Bach]

What a rough day for your husband! It's so hard when friends become a problem like that, especially when they're trying to help but make things worse. Friendship can be so tricky in times of trouble. It's good that you were able to calm him down, especially since rest and relaxation are so important for covid recovery.

Still thinking of you and sending hugs, hoping so much for good news every time I open this thread. I hope you are holding up okay. Lots of love and good wishes 

[sanmagic7]

thank you my dear bach - you're so right.  i so appreciate your support and well wishes while i'm dealing with this and for his recovery.   

[Tee]

  yeah when the little things wear you out, dealing with stupid drains you for sure.  Hugs! Glad he was feeling a little better by the time you got off the phone.  Big hug hope he continues to better little by little

[Three Roses]

Hugs to you and your H!

[sanmagic7]

thanks, tee.  you made me smile about having to deal w/ 'stupid' on top of everything else.  it's so true, isn't it!   

thank you, 3r.  so very much appreciated.

hub is holding on so far - he's tired earlier at nite, but he's got everything he needs and it seems like the doc he has is doing a good job.  that's all i can hope for.

therapy this morning.  you know, even tho i created a program, wrote a book about food/eating issues, this will be the first time i'll have someone to help me with the underlying issues that are going on.  i talked about all the connections there are w/ eating, sleep, relationships, boundaries, expectations, and having time for myself - it's a big tangled mess that's been going on for about 50 yrs.  so many different aspects surround my eating patterns, including poverty.

as it turns out, while we talked i was able to link a lot of my own eating patterns to anxiety - how disturbed i feel inside if i don't eat enough or the specific foods i want.  she told me that a lot of anxiety revolves around eating - she's seen a connection between anxiety and food over and over.  when i hung up, tears sprung to my eyes - i felt so relieved that i was finally going to get some help with this.  how we'll untangle it all remains to be seen, but i'm hopeful and so glad i now have an ally by my side to tackle all of this.

i know it's going to be a bumpy ride, but i do believe there will be a light at the end of this tunnel.

[Elphanigh]

San, I am glad to hear your husband has everything he needs. I imagine that is a sort of relief to know 

It is great to know you are going to get help untangling the mess. Food and anxiety are so super related, and it will be good to have someone in your corner while you address it. Know that we are all in your corner as well, cheering you on through the hard work. It is always bumpy and messy but worth it as we grow stronger and build more peace in our lives.

Sending lots of love 

[Tee]

  hugs hope things get better.

[sanmagic7]

hey, el.  you're right - it did relieve some of the anxiety, knowing that.  thanks for the love and encouragement - it's good to know i've got my peeps in my corner!   

thanks, tee, for all your support.  love it, love you!

good day today - it's nice to feel good, even if only for a couple hours, altho i do have splashes of nervousness thinking about getting into the issues we went over - there are so many of them!

[Blueberry]

good day today - it's nice to feel good, even if only for a couple hours

for feeling good, even if only in the short-term! You've been working so hard and then having so many things happen, that it's great to hear that you can feel good when things have settled / you've had some T support. 

[Tee]

  yeah for feeling better

[Bach]

Love to you, san 

[buddy9832]

I know albeit delayed, but I'm glad to hear you had a good day san!

[sanmagic7]

whew, the forum glitched on my computer the last 3 days.  i re-logged in, finally, so i'm back.

just want to say thank you to blueberry, tee, bach, and buddy, for your continuing support, love, and well wishes.    

yesterday i got totally stressed out cuz my hub seemed to be going downhill.  this limbo crapola is for the birds!

an interesting phenomenon happened during therapy on fri.  we were tackling my nervousness/anxiety/fear about going to sleep - what's been happening is that when i slow down enough to go to bed, the neg. thoughts about people/situations come roaring in.  lately, i've been sitting in my recliner, falling asleep in front of the tv cuz moving to the bed made me wake up enough to give my brain time to gather those thoughts that i'd been distracting myself from.

anyway, nothing was happening while i did a set of eye movements, so my t suggested i kind of split myself, pretend i was looking at myself sitting in my chair and feeling nervous about going to bed.  what came to my mind surprised the socks off me!  the other me immediately began criticizing the frightened me - don't be so silly, that's stupid, - things such as that.  a total tirade of criticisms! 

i was shocked, cuz that was something i've never really done to myself.  i've mentioned before that i haven't had a lot of experience w/ ICr stuff like i've read so many others have, can't remember really saying such things to myself or hearing them in my head.  well, apparently, they've been there all along, but buried so deep that i never heard them!  it startled and disturbed me no end.

while i was telling her all this, my dad popped into my head, and we both knew that he was the source.  i mentioned again that his critical perspective toward me must've been happening since i was a baby, at which time the words 'i couldn't even 'do' baby right' came out of my mouth.  more memories, then, especially since the forceps they used on me when i was being born cut my face close to my left eye, so i'm sure i was all puffy, bloody, black and blue, etc.  i heard several times during my life from my dad 'you were the ugliest baby i've ever seen!'

no cooing over the precious little miracle, how cute she is, and never once have i ever heard any compassion for having gone thru such a traumatizing experience, even before i was born!  no 'poor little thing', or like, from my mom 'i felt so bad for you', none of that.  just how ugly i was.  no wonder i used men as a means to try to feel beautiful.  and even tho i've been told many times by men that they thought i was pretty, i never felt it, never had that kind of esteem about my looks or attractiveness.  i was completely unaware, ignorant of myself from forever.

i can look back on pics of myself now and see it, but never could at the time.  at any rate, we did another set of eye movements where i told myself on the chair much more compassionate things like, 'of course you're scared - those thoughts are horrible!' and 'anyone would be nervous if that's what they were looking forward to at bedtime'.  it made all the difference, and i've been able to move to my bed when i begin falling asleep on my chair the last 3 nites. 

so, there are still a lot of miles to walk on this road, but my t, besides swearing under her breath at what my dad told me about myself, also believes that the arrogance i've wrapped around myself for much of my life was part of what kept me alive.  when i thought of it, i do believe that the criticism of myself, if that had been a regular part of my thinking, would have, indeed, been too much for me to survive.  too sensitive for that.

so, it was a good session, tough, but so far no neg. aftermath.  i'm still worrying about my hub, tho, and it overwhelmed me yesterday.  i think he's worse than what he's letting on to me, and i told my d that i'm not going to press him on it cuz it might be too much for him to admit.  it may be his way of helping himself stay strong.  i'm waiting to see what the doc says today.  ugh, this part is absolutely horrible.  but, i'm glad i'm able to read to him every nite - he's enjoying that a lot, and it relaxes him, gets him sleepy.  at least it's something i can do for him.  i feel pretty helpless, tho.

[Tee]

  San it sounds like you made a big step I'm glad you've been able to go to bed. I'm sorry your H still isn't doing well I hope he will start to get better soon!  Big hugs

[sanmagic7]

thanks, tee.  so appreciate your support for me.   

feeling sick today, so won't be doing much.  just gotta ride all this out.  too much stress.  dang, will it never end?