#8 - starting over

[sanmagic7]

marta, thank you so - it's absolutely perfect!   

just too much stuff, can't get my feet under me, i feel like i'm caught in a riptide and i'm going under.  can't believe i'm smoking, but i am, at least for right now.

[Blueberry]

Dear san,

I give in to my addictions sometimes too, or actually fairly often in the case of eating. If it helps, I accept you the way you are, smoking atm because everything is too much. You are so brave and strong, dealing with one thing after another after another after another... Maybe you just need a break from being brave and strong when you feel as if the foundation has been swept from under you?

When the time is right for you, you'll be back on your feet keeping on keeping on. I believe in you. I've seen you do that so often before. Till then   

[Bach]

My deep sympathies re your dental trauma, san. Dental trauma has been a huge issue for me throughout my life, so I know all too well of what you speak.

Please try not to be too hard on yourself about the smoking. I know how upsetting it is to revert to a habit you thought you had moved on from, but you've had entirely too much dumped on you this summer. It is understandable that you are looking to an old habit for distraction, or comfort, or a substitute problem. You will stop when you are ready, and in the meantime, being angry or upset with yourself will only make you feel worse, and probably make you do it more. Please love and be gentle with yourself as much as you can.

Forgive me if I sound preachy! I know how it is and want to offer you my love and support and encourage you not to turn against yourself for not being perfect. I'm a veteran of that kind of thing and I hope you will not get caught up in it

[sanmagic7]

hey, blueberry,  thank you so much for the support, validation, and that on-the-dot equivalent of the foundation being swept out from under me.  that's exactly what's happening if they decide to sell the house and get rid of us!  the foundation will literally be taken away!  and the warm embraces - they're wonderful.  i can feel them, and they bring tears to my eyes.

dear bach, same thing for your warm embrace.  it's like drawing me in, something i really haven't had any of when i've been in distress.  thank you so much for that feeling.  talking about the cigs, yeah, it's like it's another problem to focus on instead of these overwhelming ones (my d is also in distress, so our entire household is just putting one foot in front of the other as best we can).    i didn't think you sounded preachy at all - you sounded compassionate and caring.  loved it.

someone asked me if smoking right now is making me feel better.  no.  i just feel like doing something destructive.  so, the idea that it's another problem is accurate, as well as it being a distraction - i can focus on how bad it is for me and the other stuff goes away if only for 10 min.  plus, i'm basically not eating right now because of it, so that also kind of feels good - i've been eating thru all this stuff till now, have gained a lot of weight, so it kind of feels good to get out of that destructive cycle. 

basically, altho none of that might make sense, it's because i don't make sense right now, not inside me.  i'm at sixes and sevens.  i also felt that floaty feeling come over me yesterday, the place of just going where the wind takes me, no feet on the ground, the way i spent a lot of my adult life.  it was kind of weird to feel it again - i haven't been like that for a few years.  interesting to me, tho.  i think it's an indicator of how bad off i am right now.

[sanmagic7]

it occurred to me while walking (at least my legs are working - yay!) that this is the alexithymia raising its ugly head.  i know i must have a ton of emotions inside, like anger at the dentist for not knowing what i meant even after i told her (irrational?  maybe, but still...), loss and grieving at the idea that another house may be taken away from me w/o my consent or consultation with me, among other things too convoluted and tangled in and amongst each other for me to get a handle on.

that would explain the float-y feeling, the internal agitation that is so very uncomfortable that i don't know how to be with it, what to do with it, but dragging my energy down with it so that i don't even have the wherewithal to explore, discover, express, and rid myself of it.  i am a concrete block that i can't undo, but it would explain the smoking, the craving to drink as they were what kept me functioning in the past.  i'm not looking normal in the least, can't conjure up a smile.  ashes floating around in me with nowhere to land.

[Whobuddy]

I smiled at your celebration that your legs are working!

Yes, the loss of a house is truly worth grieving over. A house, a home is similar to a person with a personality in our lives. In our lives, we look for things to make us feel safe in a world where we were rarely safe. It is very understandable that you feel so agitated.

You are better at expressing your internal discomfort than you might realize. And expressing it helps both the writer and the reader. I admire your writing ability. You will get through this. 

[sanmagic7]

thank you, whobuddy, for the support and the kind words.  i agree that a home can represent many kinds of safe and secure experiences and situations, and losing one's home can be devastating.  maybe my grief is buried just now cuz i can't really let it out.  scared, i think, of the pain.  i just had a breakdown 2 weeks ago cuz of the first house, don't want a repeat cuz my legs didn't work for over a week.  yuck to even think about it yet.  there's just too much.  but, thanks for bringing that up - apparently it rang a bell for me.  truly appreciated  

unfortunately, while i can logically know that those feelings must be in me, can even write down what i'm guess they are, i can't feel them yet.  they must be there, cuz they'd be there for anyone.  still, when i can't feel them, can't fully express them, get them out of me, they remain inside all jumbled up, which is what causes the agitation i feel.  nothing specific, but all there nonetheless.  it's a terrible feeling, one of not fully being human, solid in myself.

and, still like that today, altho it seems like i am able to concentrate a bit more.  there has just been too much too close together.  my mind hasn't had the time and space to tease anything apart.  i envy all of you who feel angry in the moment, feel hurt, feel your emotions as they are.  i just end up feeling confused too much of the time cuz i don't know what or how i'm feeling and have no energy to explore anything more deeply.  it's just draining.

still smoking, still not eating very much, which isn't necessarily a bad thing.  my system has gotten all out of whack w/ eating to calm the stress of this ongoing agitation since may, well, actually since last sept.  it was beginning to get a bit better w/ finding my t, but then everything began in may and hasn't let up.  i know i'm rambling, i'm just dropping these grenades again hoping something will explode and send me in the right direction. 

in the meantime, i'm hoping to be able to listen to my body again as far as food and eating go, get back some sense of normalcy in that area.  i've been there before, was a skinny kid eating 3 meals a day while growing up.  my anxiety has gotten in the way, tho, too many times.  maybe this can jumpstart my brain by . . . i don't know.  don't even know if any of this makes sense. some type of distorted sense to my mind, i guess.  ugh!   

[Whobuddy]

Thank you for your words of appreciation.

Sometimes when my feelings are jumbled up it helps if I stop and sit with them and ask what part of my body is feeling the worst. Then I try to listen to what that part wants to say to me. Sometimes works, sometimes not.

I am not able to feel in the moment especially when other people are around. I usually need to be alone to check in with my feelings. But just knowing that is progress.

What you describe does make sense. I think you will soon find a way out of the jumble.

[sanmagic7]

thanks for the suggestions, wb.  i appreciate them.  i've decided to wait till tues. when i talk to my t.  i'm feeling way too fragile to delve into any of this on my own - too scared of another breakdown.  that last one nearly devastated me, and i have to keep my sanity, if only for my d's sake.  she's all that's keeping me from dropping off the edge right now.

in the meantime, i'm still relying on cigs and coffee and juice to get me from one hour to the next.  that's all the farther i can see right now.  i was able to call my hub yesterday and get some grounding from him, which was good.  he's at least learned enough to stop w/ his 12-step patter when i tell him to.  even after all this time, he can't see the difference.  i suppose it's not unlike me not truly being able to know what it's like for him to walk on crutches, maneuver into and out of a car with them, carry something which means he not only has to be aware of how the bag is hitting his crutches, but just the mere fact of moving forward while he's concentrating on 2 things at once, all the while  trying not to fall.  yeah, i'm clueless as to what he deals with on a daily basis.

at least he's feeling better, and i'm grateful and relieved about that.  he'll probably have to go out and work next week, which is now scary to him.  he's going to have to be spraying a lot of people, i'm thinking, and cut his conversations down to a bare minimum.  that'll be difficult for him, both keeping people at a distance and not engaging them very much.  too much ignorance down there.

so, i'll keep on keeping on as best i can.  thank you all for your support.  it really helps.

[Not Alone]

computer battery is dying so will get a quick  in.

[Hope67]

Dear SanMagic,
Sending you a big hug   
Hope 

[sanmagic7]

thank you notalone and hope - the hugs are wonderful!

my d and i got gut-punched this morning - they will not offer us the chance for a 'rent to own' option on our house.  can't talk about it anymore, told her that, too.

[sanmagic7]

something my d said the other day struck me this morning.  this isn't just another house we're living in, like people want to tell us - you'll find another, maybe a better one, don't give up hope, etc etc etc.  what she mentioned is that we have found peace and the ability to heal in this house because it's exactly where we've wanted to be, with the rainforest for our our backyard, we're tucked away in a little nook with wonderfully helpful neighbors, and we escaped all the stress and drama that had been going on in our lives.

mental health healing house - it's truly been that, and there is nothing that could take its place.  w/ no car, we have everything we need - market, library, goodwill store, and drugstore for prescriptions and such, all w/in walking distance.  plus, a food pantry that has been delivering food to us each month during the covid crisis.  the hills are manageable for us in this location, too, plus the weather is perfect - eternal springtime.  mental health goodness is an intangible, but for us, the most important point.  plus, it's big enough that we have plenty of space away from each other, our own bathrooms, and an extra room for her office, as well as a largely unused great room for guests. 

it's more than just a place to live for us, which is why this is so hard to consider moving.  besides which, we've both moved so many times in our lives, both from city to city as well as state to state, and i even threw in another country to boot.  we just want to live our lives out here.  to uproot ourselves once again is devastating to even think of, let alone look forward to the probability that it's going to happen once again, not because we want to but because someone else is deeming it so. 

not coping well.  we're in the process of finding out if we might be eligible for a loan atm, talked to someone this morning, and it exhausted the inner resources of both of us.  damocles' sword hanging over our heads right now.  we probably don't make enough money, have been working our ashes off to be able to stay here, and she's self-employed, so her income is at the whim of potential clients, who have all but disappeared during this health crisis.  i'm on soc. security, which is also being threatened.  i'm entirely numb, jumbled up inside, smoking and drinking coffee to get from one hour to the next. 

[marta1234]

  I'm sorry this has happened to you San. No words I can find to help this or make something go away. I understand your loss and just everything that comes with being forced to move from a house that you felt safe in, and could heal in. I'm sending you support and many hugs in this difficult time for you. 

[sanmagic7]

marta, your hug and words of support are much appreciated.

had a good, but exhausting session w/ my t yesterday.  it put to rest some of the negativity i was surrounding myself with.  she helped me turn around as far as my smoking for the moment - helped me see it as a coping mechanism i'm utilizing during this time instead of hating myself for doing something self-destructive.  i now have more compassion for me and what i'm going thru, knowing that this won't be forever.  survival is the bottom line right now.

we've put in our financials to a loan company today to see if and for how much we might qualify.  all we can do now is play the waiting game.  every little step of this is exhausting, however, and we're doing what we need to do to simply stay alive and sane.  with everything that's gone on, i guess that's a lot, so i'm working on seeing it that way.

i had a dream about an ex love of mine that i've kept longing for over a long period of time.  this was the first dream about him where i actually turned him down in order to move on - it's usually been me longing for more from him.  when i woke up, thought about it, it came to me that after all was said and done, he wasn't good enough for me.  quite a turnaround, in my mind.  glad to put that to rest.

feeling a bit stronger today, which is nice.  it didn't seem so difficult to get thru the day, at least.