#8 - starting over

[Bach]

I'm glad you're feeling a little stronger today, san.  Love and good thoughts and strong house wishes to you

[Not Alone]

San, you have been through so much in the last six months. It has been one big, painful thing after another. Your feelings will come and be sorted out over time. Be kind and gentle with yourself. It makes sense that you are smoking to help cope. Give yourself grace.

The thoughts and feelings that you and your daughter have about the house make a lot of sense. It really is a big deal. 

[sanmagic7]

bach, thanks so much for those wishes. could feel your heart in them. we're going to hear today from the loan company to see if we even qualify for something, so we're on pins and noodles until then.

notalone, i shared what you said about our house being a big deal for us and our state of mind - she said 'awwww' in gratitude.  thank you very much. and also for supporting me in reverting to a past coping skill - i really appreciate your acceptance and continued wishes that i be kind to myself.  so sweet of you.

so, yeah.  we're in a deep state of stress today waiting to hear about the possibility of a loan.  we have no idea, and the waiting is really difficult. i'm just distracting myself in different ways to make the time pass without going nuts.  i may even get into a political debate with someone from my past, a former cop, on his perspective of what's happening in our country.  as an activist, i've walked the streets in protest several times, so i have empathy for them on one level.  as a white american woman living in the midst of a dark-skinned foreign population, i have some experience w/ racial assumptions aimed at me without knowing me as a person. truthfully, i got angry at hearing them time and time again. i've also had some great relationships w/ law enforcement officers, both as friends and when i've needed help.

distraction is key right now for me.  i want to continue putting final touches on my latest book, but it's hard to concentrate.  i talk to my t tomorrow, and that will be helpful one way or another.  it's like i want to keep as many things on my plate as possible just to make it to the next hour.

[Not Alone]

notalone, i shared what you said about our house being a big deal for us and our state of mind - she said 'awwww' in gratitude.  thank you very much.

For both you and your daughter: 

[Hope67]

Hi SanMagic,
Really hope you get a positive outcome regarding the loan, and I hope that the wait will pass by more quickly, especially as you're distracting yourself in different ways.  Good luck with finishing your latest book - so exciting that you're doing that.   

I hope your session with your T is helpful. 

Sending you and your daughter a supportive hug at this time 
Hope 

[sanmagic7]

thank you, notalone and hope, not only for your support but your validation that we can let this house mean a lot to us.  too many people want to tell us that maybe it's for the best, or it's just a house, or we might find something better, etc etc etc...  we have already claimed this particular house as home in our hearts, and home is something we don't take lightly.  we've both lived in many places during our lives, but this feels like we want it to be our final resting place.  we are both so very tired from life.

thanks to everyone for the support i received when i reached out yesterday.  not quite as dark and desperate today, but still not in a good place.  this stress is simply being absorbed into our innards, distorting energy levels, concentration abilities, and even our eating patterns.  we both went in separate directions with that last bit.  horrible.

so, still hour to hour.  my session w/ my t went well - she reassured me that my smoking 4 or 5 cigs a day is not going to hurt me, that she's gonna help me get thru all this so i can put them away again.  that was truly helpful for me cuz i'd been sitting there hating myself, literally, for doing this, and it was stressing me out even more.  cigs had always been relaxing for me, so it was doing the opposite at a time when i really didn't need more stress.

we were able to process that self-hatred away, and now i can smoke one, relax, be under the trees, hear the ocean, look into the forest, listen to the birds and derive a lot of peace from it.  she said she's researched nicotine, and it can be a stimulant for some, a relaxant for others, and can increase focus and concentration as well.  using that, i also finished my next 'final' editing process on my book, so now it's to my d.  i'm sure she'll find more things to change, but it's pretty clean right now.  yay!

at any rate, after talking to another neighbor, who said this owner has tried this 'thinking of selling' with a previous tenant, both my d and i are wondering if we're not getting played.  this house has been on the market several times by this owner, with no luck selling it.  the price they're asking is completely unreasonable, and after talking w/ my d about this, she was able to say - if he's trying that with us, and isn't reasonable, he can suck it and we'll move.

it was good to hear that from her, calmed me down, too, a bit.  so, we'll do what we can and duck the rest.  to be continued . . .

[sanmagic7]

we just got back home today after evacuating because of the fires on the west coast.  divine intervention on so many levels played a part, and kind people, generous and helping people, kept the nightmare to a minimum.

we're still waiting to hear from the loan people, so that stress isn't over yet, but putting the evac stress on top of it . . .looks like i'm still waiting to actually begin starting over as my journal says.

[marta1234]

  we're here for you San. Sending my thoughts and prayers so you're all ok.

[Not Alone]

So glad that you, your daughter and the house is safe.

[sanmagic7]

your support and care, marta, and notalone, as well as from others is helping me get thru it all.

still smoking, still xanax-ing just to get thru the day.  because of the circumstances last week, i haven't been in touch w/ my t.  hopefully, tomorrow, altho a lot of people in our town are still evacuated.  in the meantime, i've relied on all of you.  still waiting to hear about the whole house thing.  it's all we can do, but as my d says, it keeps us from feeling safe.  we feel threatened by this owner, feel played by this ploy to seel (the neighbors told us it's been done before to tenants) but we're not taking one minute of living here for granted - never have - and my d also said that even if we have to move, at least we had this for a little while.

i know people have been saying that, but we had to get to that place of thinking like this on our own.  i'm sure many of you understand this.  all the platitudes in the world don't help one iota until you can get to a place where it comes to your organically.  in the meantime, i'll just do what i can to stay sane.  thanks for your help with that.

[Blueberry]

 

[sanmagic7]

thank you for the hugs, blueberry.  much appreciated.

just found out that another aunt died recently. since may, this makes 7 friends and family members dead, and going thru covid w/ my hub for a month.  don't have enough time to process all this - i'm a walking zombie right now.

[saylor]

just found out that another aunt died recently. since may, this makes 7 friends and family members dead, and going thru covid w/ my hub for a month.  don't have enough time to process all this - i'm a walking zombie right now.

What more can a soul withstand?  I'd be a zombie, too.

It seems the onslaught that you've been facing has been relentless, san. I'm so sorry about your losses. I hope you can at least hold onto the house (and I'm glad you made it through the fire scare—my head is spinning thinking of you having to evacuate amidst all the rest of the turmoil you've described)

[owl25]

I'm so sorry san, it's just one thing after another, and each of those things in and of themselves are hard to process. Wish I could fix it for you. 

[sanmagic7]

saylor, so many thanks for your thoughts and support. we're still waiting to hear about the house, which is a huge stressor all on its own. 

owl, i appreciate your wish so much. i've pretty much stopped processing anything.  just keeping myself as numb as possible until i can get to a place where i can move forward in some way.

have now included food, along w/ xanax, cigs, and coffee.  i can't numb myself enough.  started writing a new book, wanting to distract myself this way, but it's so hard to concentrate.  will try again later.

thank you all for your support.  you really are keeping my head above water.  i can come here periodically, take a peek, and feel the care and support from you all.  it's a lifesaver, a mind saver, a spirit saver.  you don't know how much you all mean to me.