#8 - starting over

Started by sanmagic7, July 02, 2020, 05:12:07 PM

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Hope67

Hi SanMagic,
I really hope that your t will listen to you on Thursday, and I wanted to send you a supportive hug  :hug:
Hope  :)

sanmagic7

thanks for the support and the hug, hope. :hug:

today is my oldest d's birthday, the one i had to eliminate from my life.  she was first on my mind when i woke up, thinking that i can't even send her a birthday wish.  my heart is . . . .

sanmagic7

the talk w/ the psych went so much better than i could have hoped for. hopefully, today i'll be able to get to the pharmacy and pick up my new meds - elavil, which she thinks will help w/ both sleep and anxiety and depression.  fingers crossed.

and, yes, hope, she listened, and i told her at the end of our conversation how much i appreciated it.  it was a marvelous experience, as these things go.  i'll be calling to check in on oct. 9. 

otherwise, same ol' same ol'.  still waiting to hear from the loan company - the stress of this is hurting both of us.  my d's body is so tensed up she's in pain nearly every day.  i'm just still smoking away, propping myself up with that and the xanax.  and the support i get here, which i dearly appreciate.  i talk to my t this morning - because of the fires and evacuees (i heard a new term - climate refugees) her schedule got overwhelmed by having to go out and do trauma work w/ people who have lost everything, so i haven't been able to speak w/ her in more than a week.

in the meantime, i just have to continue existing.  sometimes that seems like a lot, right?

Snowdrop

It does, but hang in there dear San. I'm delighted it went so well with the psych. :hug:

Hope67

Hi SanMagic,
I am so glad to hear that your T listened. 
Sending you another hug  :hug:
Hope  :)

Tee

 :hug: hugs San sorry I've been awal.  It's been rough.  Hope you have been doing alright.

sanmagic7

snowdrop, hope, and tee - your support means the world to me. :hug: :hug: :hug:

am on day 4 of new meds.  elavil.  dry mouth and eyes, like an antihistamine.  it's an anti-dep that's also supposed to help w/ anxiety, and has a sedating quality, so i was hoping it would help for sleep.  so far, not so much.  it's a low dose, haven't been on it very long, we'll see where it goes.

i worked w/ my t this morning, emdr on the go-around i had w/ my ex in june about selling our family house.  just that piece knocked me out for 2 hrs. afterward.  but, i feel a bit lighter, so that's good.  that man really did a number on me!  i realized i have to have faith that my girls know enough about him to keep themselves safe, and that w/ him being NPD, i can't expect myself to have the correct words to help him be a better person.  so, i put all that aside now because it's more plain than ever that talking to him is like talking io a black void.

this past june, then, just that one month, became significant to me to be able to lay him aside.  for all his words about being in therapy and working on issues, it's clearer than ever that he gives lip service to me and anyone else around.  i think i began the untangling process this morning, but it's a nasty ball of yarn - 40 years' worth - of untangling.  still, i think i made a start now, and will keep going.

still no word on the possibility of a loan, so we're continuing in the stress of that.  i sit in the back of my house, have a cig, look into the fabulous forest, listen to the ocean, hear the chirps, tweets, squawks, and screeches of all the birds, and i am filled not only with gratitude but a deep, deep sadness at the possibility of losing it.  my d mentioned she felt the same the other night - she thought about taking a walk into the forest, just do some forest bathing, but she, too, was suddenly filled w/ this profound sadness.

we both know we're grateful for having spent this time here, being able to just be here, but the sadness at the 'maybe it will soon be gone/done' takes over both of us, and drowns the gratitude.  it's such a horrible feeling.  still, nothing's for sure yet, but it's like the grieving has already begun. a case worker told her about the ins and outs of renting in a tourist town - how fleeting it can be - but we'd never contemplated that cuz we only thought to live our lives out in this house.  it's frustrating to know that someone can simply pull the rug out from under us at the snap of a finger.  all we can do right now is wait, which is not doing either of us any good.  ugh.  just letting it out here.

Bach

Thinking of you, San  :hug:  I haven't been commenting because I'm struggling pretty good myself and just can't get my thoughts together, but I've been checking in and every day praying for good news for you on a loan :hug:

Not Alone

San, my time on OOTS has been limited lately, but my thoughts and care for you continue.

Quote from: sanmagic7 on September 29, 2020, 09:45:43 PM
i worked w/ my t this morning, emdr on the go-around i had w/ my ex in june about selling our family house.  just that piece knocked me out for 2 hrs. afterward.

That's a really big deal. I'm not surprised that it knocked you out. Recently I had a minor flashback. It really knocked me out. When I processed with my therapist, he affirmed how exhausting the flashback was. These things really do take a toll.

Tee

 :hug: hugs San sorry I haven't been here to give you support through this rough time.  I've been thinking of you. I'm sorry things have continued to be so rough for you.  Big hug. :hug:

sanmagic7

bach, notalone, and tee - thank you so much.  it sounds like a lot of us are struggling at the same time.  i'm with you all, too, even if i'm not posting.  you're all in my thoughts and prayers.  love and hugs all around :grouphug:

Sceal

Glad that your T listened to you, San. And that you felt a good connection with her/him.
I hope it'll be a continued positivity in your life.

Sending you warm, happy thoughts. I hope you get some relief soon, some answers.
:hug:

Not Alone


Tee


sanmagic7

sceal, notalone, and tee - love the hugs and support.  thank you all very much :grouphug:

today i slept till nearly 9 a.m., which is very unusual for me, but it felt great.  i even just laid and snoozed for another hour, which also felt great.

i think the meds are beginning to lift my depression - i don't feel the need for the cigs and coffee route today, only had one yesterday.  my lungs are also telling me "enough"!  so, i'm gonna honor them for today.  they've already been thru a lot in my lifetime.

it's almost awkward to feel not so down, altho we're still going thru the stress of not knowing about our house, loan, anything else pertinent to that situation.  i think the meds might be helping me with that as well.  i hope so.

i did a few things this morning, and now i'm already feeling tired.  even this little time here has kind of knocked me off center.  i'd better go.