#8 - starting over

[sanmagic7]

i know i've been away - it's been just too difficult to talk about everything, including some heavy processing i've been doing about my ex.  maybe another time.  right now, i'm holding myself together.  it's all i can do, plus i'm busy writing and editing, which i'm using as distractions.

sceal, thank you.  being able to stop the cigs wasn't too hard, actually.  my being just wasn't in that dark place anymore.  haven't had one for 2 weeks, and my lungs have finally been able to stop cleansing themselves, so that's good.

blueberry, thank you for your support. i'm just trying not to think of everything right now, which means staying away from here as well.  sad, but there it is.  i do want to eventually write about it all, but later.

[marta1234]

San, sending you so much support  . Take your time, and it's ok to not want to talk about things and get away from them, when you're ready we'll be waiting for you as always.

[Blueberry]

Take your time, and it's ok to not want to talk about things and get away from them, when you're ready we'll be waiting for you as always.

san, great self-care! 

[Bach]

 

[Tee]

 

[Not Alone]

Understand, San. I've been away too. 

[sanmagic7]

wow! such support - i'm so thankful for all of you.

marta - thank you for the reassurance. as long as i've been here and have had such wonderful and positive responses, sometimes i still go to a disbelieving place that this is real, you're all real, and you care. it feels foolish when i think about it. but i so appreciate hearing it. it really grounds me even when i don't realize i've begun floating again,

blueberry, thank you for your never-ending support. I so appreciate your understanding and acceptance and encouragement. you've become a rock for me, and it's wonderful.

bach and tee - i can't explain how much i appreciate those hugs and the care that's behind them.  it warms my heart to see them when i'm feeling strong enough to come here.  they shore me up and give me extra strength to keep going.

notalone, thank  you for understanding. it just gets too difficult sometimes, right? i hope this finds you in a better place, as it's found me today. 

just enough energy to write a little about what's going on. got my flu shot the other day, and it knocked me down for a couple days.  finally feeling a bit more like myself today, so i'll take it.

as i mentioned, i've been processing a lot about my ex the past few weeks. what's been most interesting to me (besides the fact that i'm basically wiped out the rest of the day) is that it's been producing dreams in which i am actually able to feel the feelings in my dreams about what's happened altho i can't always feel them for real.  it seems that my subconscious is processing situations/memories/instances and giving me a picture of how i would have reacted in real life if i'd been able to.  it's a strange sensation.

for example, we've been working on betrayal issues - of which there have been so many i've had to break them down into small pieces.  when we've talked about x, y, and z all falling under that category of betrayal, and start the eye movements, i begin dissociating. when that happens, i tell my t about it, and we find a smaller piece to process. as long as it's small enough, i can get thru the processing and find some resolution.

so, this past session, i needed to focus only on this past june and the wreckage he made of selling our family house w/o consulting me but putting me in financial jeopardy at the same time. there was a sense of injustice that will never be rectified, as well as the idea that to him, i don't matter.  we've had a relationship of one kind or another for 50 yrs., and i didn't really know him until i began researching misogyny and NPD behaviors. but, over all those decades, the amounts of abuse, betrayal, deception, etc. have taken a greater toll on me than i realized.

so, this idea that i really don't matter to him, even after all this time, kind of blew my mind.  it was the conscious awareness of what that means, has meant, for all those years of my life that smacked me in a way i'd never realized before.  so HUGE!  hence, having to break down the enormity of it into manageable pieces.  and,, the next day i dreamed about being betrayed by him (a friend in the dream told me he was cheating on me) and i was shocked, stunned, and so hurt that he'd do that to me. but the surprise was that while i was dreaming this, those feelings were being felt by me in the dream.

after i woke up and remembered it, i could feel the dream 'me' feeling those things, even tho when i thought about it irl, i couldn't feel them.  this emotional disconnect is so weird.  in the 2 weeks before, i also dreamt about him in 2 different ways, and , again the dream 'me' got so angry even tho i couldn't feel it while awake.  it comforts me in a way, tho, that at least my mind is releasing some of these emotions that were never felt or expressed while i was living them thru the years.

one other image that came to mind about my relationship w/ him was of us sitting on a teeter-totter.  he and his end was on the ground, while i and my end were way up in the air. what i realized was he's had his own agenda for dealing with me to his advantage all these years, so everything was weighted toward that, and there was nothing i could do about it. i'd been helpless up there, ungrounded, confused, not knowing what else i could do to even things out between us but constantly trying one thing after another to no avail.

in the end, my solution (in this image) was to jump off the teeter-totter, just leave that dynamic behind, let him play his ugly game by himself. it was quite a long way to the ground, and i landed on my hands and knees, got some scratches on both, dirt on them, but i did what i've always done in my life - got up, brushed myself off, and started over without him, on my own.  when i think of it, i've done that with quite a few people in my life. i'm done with those kinds of games.

once again, learning about myself, how i work, how i've worked thru the years, and how my mind has protected me from going literally insane or chucking it all in is something that inspires awe and wonder in me. when i was processing the justice piece, i was able to realize that sometimes there just isn't any justice available.  i even told my t how many times i've read on this forum about the idea that what's happened to us isn't fair, and i totally agree, it isn't. 

unfortunately, most of the time we will not get justice for what's happened. for me, coming to a concrete conscious realization encouraged me to know this as a means to letting go of trying to explain, trying to talk to him about it, trying to get revenge or anything like that. i feel more peaceful (altho i'll never forgive, and i still hate him - that hasn't changed).  but i'm ok with that.

so, it's been a rocky time again the past couple months, but i do feel like i'm making progress. the intrusive thoughts about him don't seem as strong as they had been, and it's easier for me to mentally brush them away. i'm still dealing with anxiety, but not as often now, and it's not as strong most of the time.  i've got a lot more unpacking to do, but it'll get there.  my t has been a gem (she told me she's going into private practice in another city, but since we've been working over the phone most of this year, that won't bother me), and i couldn't have done this without her.

couldn't have done this without all of you, either.  you have all made it easier for me to stay alive and kicking, and i'm grateful.

[Tee]

  sounds like some good steps forward.  Thanks for your encouragement. Big hug

[Not Alone]

San, taking things in small pieces sounds really wise. It is so interesting that you are processing things in your dreams. You are doing good work.

[Bach]

Want to let you know I care and am reading even though I can't get any words out right now 

[marta1234]

  sending you so much love, San very proud of you for the all the effort and progress you have made 

[sanmagic7]

dang, i didn't realize i nearly wrote a book here!  i guess being away for a while, lots of stuff wanted to spill out!

thank you, tee, for your support and lovely hug.  it's great and so are you! 

notalone, thanks so much for what you said. it is interesting about utilizing dream time for processing.  since i can't always feel or express my emotions, i'm really happy that my subconscious is able to at times.  that makes me feel good. 

Bach, i love that you found just enough beautiful words to let me know you care.  thank you so.

marta, i love the love, and am sending some back to you, and thank you very much for your acknowledgment of what i'm doing.  it's also a form of validation to me, and feels wonderful.  thank you

still not quite over my flu shot - my gut is not happy today.   stressed out from it, i think.  my reaction wasn't as severe as last year, but it's still there. 

otherwise, i seem to be doing ok.  anxiety taps on the door every so often, but it hasn't been bad enough for xanax.  i'm thinking the stress from the shot might be kicking it up, tho.  i may take a little just to calm my system down.  yeah, that sounds like a good idea.  off i go!

[Tee]

  glad your doing better with the shot.  Hopefully it will pass soon. Big hug

[sanmagic7]

thank you, tee, for the hugs and support.  love them, love you!

downhill slide - therapy was rough yesterday, bad night for sleeping, stress about the house has snuck out of the compartment into which i thought i had it safely stored.  talked to the doc today, gonna try trazadone along w/ my xanax, see if i can sleep better.  got 3 hrs. sleep last nite, feel extremely crappy right now.  sanax to help me take a nap.  this is so wearing, i can barely keep my head above water.    

[rainydiary]

I'm sorry to hear you haven't been sleeping well - that is the worst.  I hope you find relief and ease with the medication adjustments.