#8 - starting over

[Not Alone]

Hi San. I haven't been on the forum much. Just wanted to check in and see how you are doing and give you a hug. 

[sanmagic7]

thank you, tee - you're right about some people caring only for themselves.  it just hurts my heart when i hear such insensitivity.  thanks for caring.

thanks for the hug, notalone.  truly appreciated.  i'm doing ok, one day at a time.  that's all i have to do is get from today to tomorrow.

my holiday w/ my d was so wonderful, but the big surprise i'd ordered for her that was supposed to be shipped on the 14th still hasn't come.  i was so disappointed.  i was finally able to get thru to the company today, and not only wondered what was going on, but let them know how very confused, disappointed, and heartbroken i was that my d didn't get her surprise.

they did their best, but, you know, once that disappointment hits, it's hard to brush it away.  i understand about shipping, lower number of personnel, holiday crunch, but i was assured it would get here in time, and i spent all last week checking every time a vehicle came down our street.  in other words, always alert, waiting, wondering, confused, hoping . . . so many emotions.  on top of all that, we have my d's next book ready to publish, but we've been working overtime getting it ready, so the stress of that, too.

the upside is, since it's a cheese of the month club, they're giving me an extra month's order for free.  that's lovely, of course, but honestly, it just doesn't wash away all the tension i've been dealing w/ on their account for more than a week.  ugh!  it's always freakin' something!  and, i just don't have it in me anymore to absorb these kinds of things, shrug them off.  age? trauma? a lifetime of disappointment and confusion?  all the above?  i can't sort it out anymore.  i only know it continues to take its toll.

at least we got the book finished today, and i can shower tomorrow, take the day off.  oh, yeah, to add to everything, we got some tasty cheese for christmas, but also have a block of it still in the fridge from the food bank that's only half eaten.  my d wanted to open the spicy stuff, but i told her no, under the notion that the other cheese needs to be eaten first.  she was really disappointed!  i couldn't tell her that she's getting 1 1/2 pounds of it, supposedly, at the end of this week.  i'm not good at lies, and i hate to cause her any pain, but eventually, it'll be worth it, and i think we'll have a laugh about it all at the end of the day.

so, remembering that at least brought a smile to my face.  i guess i'm overwhelmed.  it doesn't take much nowadays.

[marta1234]

San, I know how hard disappointment can come and take a toll on us. I'm sorry it happened to you though. Sending you my care and love, so you can enjoy your holiday with your d  (which you very much deserve). 

[sanmagic7]

marta, your words are heartwarming.  thank you so for being part of my life.

i am full of anxiety tonite.  after christmas crash, still waiting for the cheese, we had to order a new tv cuz our old one doesn't work right anymore, and today we ordered a new computer for me.  it took till this afternoon for all that to do its thing in my mind, send me reeling slightly, and it just got worse.  suddenly, while i was coughing (i believe it's my lungs cleaning themselves out after this last round of smoking) my thoughts went to lung cancer.  then, intrusive thoughts about my ex barreled in on top of that.  and then i found myself wishing (only for a minute, but it scared me) that i could just retreat into a world of fairies, elves, magic, fantasy, and just live out my days there.

i know i can't do that, can't allow it, but honestly, for that moment, it felt good to believe in it and want to be part of it.  i wanted to start believing other things, too, like how many people in my life have told me i'm an angel and have agape love - for that moment, i wanted to believe that as well.  like it was something that could fly me out of this life of pain and heartbreak and fear and anxiety.  it's so hard to find good things to focus on.  my mind slips off those and whizzes past them to something neg. that happened to me.

part of all this, i'm realizing, is the idea of getting new, brand new things.  spending more than $10 on something. i've not had money to spend on anything but necessities (and both of these are) for so long, i don't really have a lot of practice at it. all my life it's been bargain basement (literally), second-hand, someone's toss-outs (including the food we get every month - believe me, i'm grateful for it, but it brought up something about my mex. hub this week, how he used to complain when he was in rehab about the food he was fed there.)

when i told him about the tv, he questioned me as if i was spending money foolishly, asking if we're paying off debts (or maybe that's what i was expecting from him, so i had to explain and defend our tv purchase).  all this is rambling, i know, but it's all part of what's added up to my current funk. 

sometimes, it just feels like too much, and tonite is one of those times.  i wish i could cry right now.  i just want to fade away.

[Tee]

  San I hope your current funk as you called it doesn't last long.  You don't have to defend yourself to your ex.  That's why he's your ex.  I'm glad you were able to get the things you need.  I'm taking the opportunity I have in having a little extra money right now. To but some long over due furniture. I don't think... No I know as a married adult I've never had my own living room furniture is always been second hand hand me downs from family or friends getting new furniture.  So I want me furniture.  So I bought it.    My H is like are sure we can afford it and I'm like yep. And bought it. Don't feel bad for but things you need San sometimes doing something for you is good. 🙂. Hugs 

[sanmagic7]

so glad you got new furniture, tee.  it sounds wonderful!  thanks for the support and hugs.

i'm just overwhelmed. 

[Bach]

 
Hang in there, san. We are with you

[sanmagic7]

i so appreciate knowing that, bach.  thank you very much for the caring hugs

once again, i feel like i'm teetering on the edge of my mind.  it's so scary, especially when those thoughts came in the other day.  i feel completely adrift, no sound footing, just moving from one chore to the next, one game to the next, trying to keep myself distracted enough that these thoughts go away for awhile, leave me in peace.  i'm on the edge of tears, completely deflated.  i don't like this.

[Sceal]

I'm sitting with you San.

Would a blanket and a cup of hot chocolate help over at the porch? I'll be sitting there, and if you need and/or want to, I'll be glad for the company

[sanmagic7]

thanks for the idea, sceal.  sounds perfect.  i'm heading there right now.

[Tee]

  if you want you can come check out my new couch is black and fits lots of people!  Maybe I'll buy duplicate for the cabin to sit in front of the fire place?😜. Hope you find your footing San, know I'm here with you always trying to make you smile through the years, with a hug and shoulder to cry on whenever needed. Sending love and support

[Not Alone]

                                                      

[marta1234]

San, I'm sending you my love and support to you, and I hope it reaches you  I care for you very much, here's a big, warm and safe hug  

[sanmagic7]

tee, notalone, and marta - thank you as always for the hugs, caring, and support.  so appreciated.  you all make a big, pos. difference for my life.

well, i'm just inundated, overwhelmed, and feeling pretty hopeless now.  talked to my t tues., everything is still on hold, i don't know where i'll be living in 6 mos., someone is showing our house to prospective buyers today, and yesterday i witnessed an attempt to overthrow our government, something i never thought possible, something i've never come close to experiencing in all my days as a political activist.

my sleep has gone down the toilet this week, i'm going to have to deal with a new computer and updated windows 10, which i've been resisting for a long time, and will have to call the cheese place again because i've received nothing from an order i placed nov. 30.  the past 2 times i did actual processing, while i believe it's helped with some of my issues, it took my legs out for a day both times.  the stress of both of those happening simultaneously adds to my sense of being overwhelmed, and i told her i'm now scared to process anything more because of that.

i know i have people here, and i appreciate you so much - you're one of the crutches i lean on, the others being my d and my t.  my spirituality is still intact, too, but my spirit is weakening, and that frightens me as well.  i can't even picture having enough energy to pack our things, find another place to live, and do the actual moving.  i know i'll do what needs to be done, but . . .

[marta1234]

San, my heart goes out to you  I'm so sorry pure going through this, everything you said is clearly overwhelming and exhausting (especially the whole house thing). I wish I could actually help you in taking some of the responsibilities off from you (I know, silly wish), but I'm sending you a bundle of energy that I have left and my own hugs, safe and warm from life's weight. Thinking about you, San, as always